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please be honest with me- am i wrong to do this?(112 Posts)
i need to know. i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decisions.
i have posted loads before about exp but to date the status quo has been that we dont text or ring each other except if it's do arrange contact for dcs and it's always him contacting me as his job dictates when he can see them so there is no point me contacting him it's better if he gets in touch when he knows his dates.
last saturday he requested me as a friend on the old FB. i declined. i dont want him having that sort of access to my life and what i've been doing. deep down i dont trust him and am always expecting him to use something against me when it comes to the dcs. i think he will one day (soon?) try and take the dcs from me now he is getting married and has a house here, is leaving his job etc. i accept that i may be totally paranoid about this as i really dont think he would have any grounds to have the dcs taken from me but it is a fear that i have.
so yesterday he rang, i asked if he wanted to talk to dcs as i always do. he did for a few seconds and then back to me and we actually had a really long conversation. we haven't done that since before we split up 2.5 years ago. we just talked about the dcs and why i moved house again and how my course was going. i asked him about his wedding plans and how is job search was going. it was very strange to be having that conversation with him. but it got me thinking last night about whether i am wrong in being so 'closed' when it comes to him. i dont tell him anything about my life. i dont want him knowing anything that he could use against me (again could be paranoid).
so today he has texted asking why am i not settled down with someone because i deserve to be. i replied saying that he wouldn't know whether i had or not. he says "well i know you're not living with anyone. you'll find someone" i said again, "how do you know i haven't?" (i haven't) and he said "i mean settling down, gettimg married having more babies, you know, starting your own wee family.obviously you got your fuck buddies etc, everyone needs them" (i dont have any fuck buddies, i haven't had sex in over a year and i've been with 2 people since i split up with him, one was a shortlived boyfriend). i told him that i settled down with my family 7 years ago (when ds1 was born) and that i didn't need to be married to be a family. i asked him if he thought my (and his) dcs are just a practise set.. he replied saying he had phrased it badly and that he really just wanted me to be happy and that when he's home permanently (next march) he'll do more for me and the dcs and that he'll 'mind' the dcs so i can have a hobby or two.
i haven't replied. i'm pissed off. i dont know why. am i just being a big paranoid freak. i dont want to feel this way. i would love to be able to have a good relationship with him but i cant get past the trust issue and i cant help feeling that it is me putting all the blocks up. i know it's me. he is clearly trying to, i dont know, build bridges or something but in the back of my head i think, what if he's just snooping for info to hold against me.
please be honest with me. i need to know if this is just me because if it is i need to change and start letting people in otherwise i wont ever find someone like he says. and i very much want to.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Anniegetyourgun, I learnt what I now know from you and mathanxiety!
I agree about the bridge. It's your prerogative to have no interest with a relationship with a person. You can be civil and leave it there. That's acceptable, that's normal. That reflects your true feelings.
ThreeTomatoes, I agree with you. Asking your xw if she has fuck-buddies!? what's that ? concern?! I don't think so.
OP dont rush into anything and instantly dismiss it. It seems like most people are just offended by the fuck buddies thing but im sure most of us have heard worse from men while on a night out.
Im not making excuses for him and i do advise caution but keep civil and see how it goes and see if a friendship can form. It will do your DC's wonders seeing there mum and dad being civil and getting on well.
I thought it sounded if he was feeling guilty. He has moved on and thinks you should to because it would ease his guilt and make drawing a line under you and he and his perceived obligation to you. Maybe he is worried (or hoping) you still hold a light for him.
again thank you all.
wrt to the abusive question. i dont know if he ever intended to be abusive but i certainly felt abused both physically and mentally/emotionally. i have posted loads before about him and dont want to go through it all again but there is a history of him crossing boundaries. he climbed through my living room window the day after i asked him to leave. i was in bed and i heard footsteps on the stairs. not sure where he was intending to go but he wasn't welcome. he also punctured all my condoms whilst he was babysitting the dcs for me when he found out about the boyfriend i had very briefly. when i asked him about it he blamed our then 5 year old. i haven't had him in my house since i found out.
no i didn't tell him anything about my relationship status at all. he said "i know you aren't living with anyone" and i said that i didn't want to live with anyone as i didn't feel it was good for the dcs to have too many changes in their lives (we moved twice in the last year).
Joanne, everyone has said that "civil" is good. "Friendly" however, in the face of him being somewhat of a dickwad is not
not for her, anyway (and by extension, her kids)
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
i really am being civil joanne. the only time it wasn't was when i confronted him about the condoms and told him he wasn't welcome in the house but the dcs weren't there so didn't see any of that. i made a mistake yesterday by letting him talk so long on the phone. i know he'll expect to be able to do it more now but i'll jsut go back to what i was doing before and offering the dcs to speak to him.
or sunday rather, it was the texting yesterday.
Ha! I suspect you'll change your view after the OP's last post, Joanne?!
and btw "im sure most of us have heard worse from men while on a night out." - Doesn't make it ok even under those circumstances! But anyway, we're not talking about them are we , this is an ex the father of her DC. He's basically being disrespectful, condescending, patronising and nosey, trying to make the OP feel shit about her situation and herself. i've re-read the OP -yuck. i can't believe anyone would think otherwise about this?
OP I've only read the first bit, but if my ex was saying stuff like that to me I'd feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable.
I can't say whether his motives are good or not but whatever they might be, he's making you feel weird and unsettled and I'd suggest not having any more conversations with him and making some very clear boundaries around that.
I would never be friends with someone who punctured my condoms and climbed into my window. In fact, if I found out one of my friends had done this to someone else, I wouldn't want to be his friend any more.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Btw I'm down to 'civil and polite' with ex myself, these days, because I don't get anything out of the contact we were having, which frankly was slipping into affair territory - he was asking to kiss me, saying he wanted to sleep with me etc.
I valued the closeness and the conversations but tbh fucking around like that when I know I mean very little to him is not on, and horrible, and seedy, and I won't get involved.
We text to arrange contact for ds, I don't call if he asks me to, I don't answer when he calls.
He isn't like your ex, his style is different, but he does get drunk and think I can't tell from his voice, then talks shite at me (not unfriendly - just pointless), so now I just don't answer.
You don't have to
You really don't
Have some confidence, some self-esteem, look down your nose at him a bit (in your head) and don't let him mess you about or patronise you like this.
Oh my Good lord he did WHAT?
abusive, manipulative liar then - yes that is abuse, that puts his words into SHARP perspective.
Don't trust him an INCH x
and definitely do not not consign his verbal disrespect of you as "it's just what men do and you would hear worse in a nightclub"
Joanne, I think you need to mix with some better men
Superior and controlling. That's what he sounds like to me. Don't know your back story but your last couple of posts are shocking. Puncturing condoms, breaking in?
You are right to trust your instincts. Be careful of him, he sounds loopy
I mean dangerous but don't want to alarm
Remain civil but tell him nothing. Once you've told him about something it can't be unsaid . I fell into the trap with my ex, we had a phase of getting on well. I opened up to him about a chap I was seeing and he has used it against me ever since.
yes he has called me when drunk since we have split up. i actually pulled him about it infront of his fiancee as i'm sure she didn't know but whether she reacted or not i dont know, she didn't infront of me anyway.
Yes absolutely, tell him nothing. Nothing at all about yourself.
Do you think he might have a personality disorder? He sounds very odd.
I think it very likely he has "entitled twat" disorder
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