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Controlling ex using son as weapon - help!

(8 Posts)
Angelv Mon 19-Nov-12 21:58:23

Hi all, wonder if you could give me some advice please.
I was with my ex for 9 years (1 year married), its only really over the past year or so I have realised how controlling the relationship was. I wasn't allowed to do anything without asking first, and would be ignored for days if I ever did anything that didn't please him. I was often called a terrible wife and mother as well as other insults. Most of it I learned to be normal, but am now realising that is not the case. I left him 3 months ago and he agreed to move out. Since then there have been endless games, everything is on his terms, he changes plans last minute so I never know what is happening. He is very manipulating, often I don't notice till after. For example it was our sons birthday the other week, he was 4. He didn't contribute to the party, organising or anything. He came to the party (more to spite me . He missed his other parties when we were together) he was rude and didn't speak to any of my family or guests. At the end of the party he convinced our son to stay with him. It was my weekend. I didn't want to upset him so let him go. He then dropped him home at 9pm that night, we had argued on the phone. He said I should take this as him trying to show he knows he did wrong. But after talking to a friend potentially he never intended on having him to stay, just wanted to prove his control. How do I deal with that manipulation??
We have set weekends but he often cancels his last minute, never for anything important, usually just his own social life, although I expect its more to try to stop me and control me having any kind of life.
I want to move on from this, accept that he will always be a part of my sons life, just wish he would put him first. He is convinced I am seeing someone. He has threatened to stop seeing his son 3 times and then got annoyed when I don't react, I still feel in his control, but he has told me he is dating, sleeping around (nice, I know) and now tells me he is in love. Despite the fact I don't believe him, I wish it were true so he would leave me alone and focus on his son. Why is he allowed to do what he wants, and move on, but I have to wait till he is ready to stop using our son as a weapon?? How can I deal with that, he knows that will always be my last weakness. Will it always be this way, can he just always use our son against me and any future happiness?
Sorry for such a long message just don't know what to do anymore

Teabagtights Mon 19-Nov-12 22:02:54

When he tells oh he is in love, say you are happy for him. Don't bite.

When he cancels say fair enough thanks for letting me know.

When he wants him when it's not his weekend tell him no and mean it.

He can only dictate and manipulate if you let him.

If he gets Ramsey, change your number and tell him contact only by email. Arrange pick ups and drop offs outside the home.

Time for you to take control with this bully.

Teabagtights Mon 19-Nov-12 22:03:34

Ramsey is arsey sorry.

colditz Mon 19-Nov-12 22:03:48

What you do is, you set a contact schedule, say every other weekend then one day in the week (Wednesday?), than you keep a diary of when he doesn't bother showing up. Change your phone number to one he doesn't have, but keep the old one to keep switched on while he has your son. That way, you don't have to think about him until contact time. Ad hoc contact isn't great for kids, they need to know when they will see their dad, so if he can't make the appointed contact time, that's it until next time. No swapping.

As soon as he realises he can't get to you via your son, he will probably disappear, sadly, but at least you'll know where you stand.

colditz Mon 19-Nov-12 22:04:45

And yes, child swapping takes ace in McDonald's or similar, not your house, not his house. If its in public he will have to be civil.

Teabagtights Mon 19-Nov-12 22:07:28

Take the control back. It's a good idea to have two numbers one for him that only gets turned on when he has your son.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 20-Nov-12 07:41:23

I think you need to get some legal advice and formalise the contact with your son by way of an access agreement. It is not right that he should swan in and out of your life causing chaos and changing his plans all the time. You're right, he's only doing it to make your life miserable - not to make a child's life better. Get a formal contact agreement, stick to it and, first hint of messing about, treat it as a breach of the agreement and cut down the contact. Anyone can father a child. Your DS doesn't need such a disruptive influence in his life.

Lueji Tue 20-Nov-12 08:05:49

I agree with the others.

Demand a contact schedule or no schedule.
And that he asks for changes well in advance.
Anything not scheduled will mean loss of contact until the next scheduled time.

Being late more than x time will mean loss of contact.
As being later than x time returning.

Also keep a close eye and make a record of the incidents. You may need them.

I usually send an email message mentioning the incident.
Not to have an argument but to have it recorded and his response too. And so that I can't be accused of making it up.

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