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Please help me help a friend...

(15 Posts)
bakerbakerfairycaker Mon 19-Nov-12 16:13:00

Ok, as an Aspie, I don't really have girl friends. I have a DP and one close male friend (my best friend).

Best friend is single and has been for a long time. As a child he was overweight and a naturally big build and didn't get much female attention as a teenager as a result. These days is a very good looking, well built male. Not overweight at all, but a nice stocky body.

He is kind, gentle and generous and a really good friend. He has a good job, good dress sense and his own (rented place). He is 28. At about the age of 22, he lost his hair. He also wears glasses.

In my opinion he still sees himself as the fat kid with glasses but is now bald to boot, which just isn't true. He is actually quite attractive.

Because of this he just can't, and doesn't want to talk to girls, yet he really yearns for a serious relationship. I think his own lack of self esteem really drags him down but can't seem to help him.

I tried talking him to a few Halloween parties but the failure to be able to socialise just made him depressed for a few days.

It's killing me to see him like this, what can I do.

I must mention, he is quite the meaningful type and isn't one to go about and get laid for the sake of it, he needs it to mean something. He is very shy around girls he doesn't know.


bakerbakerfairycaker Mon 19-Nov-12 16:15:24

I should also add, He is intellegent, funny and can hold a good conversation, so it isn't that.

Frontpaw Mon 19-Nov-12 16:16:02

The best thing is to try some night classes! Maybe cooking for singles (if they still do such things) or photography, a sports class (or join a tennis or squash league). Does he have hobbies or interests?

bakerbakerfairycaker Mon 19-Nov-12 16:22:00

He likes fishing, cooking and his PS3. He cooks fish but not meat, not sure if that puts people off?

He likes socialising, but mainly with his married friends. He smokes pot, but normally only when hanging out with other weed smoker friends. I wouldn't see it as a problem in a relationship in any way.

I'd also disgregard the PS3 comment...I'm sure that is just when he is home alone and a product of singledom. smile

NoraGainesborough Mon 19-Nov-12 16:32:15

You can't do it for him. He perhaps needs some counselling for his self esteem.

However He smokes pot, but normally only when hanging out with other weed smoker friends. I wouldn't see it as a problem in a relationship in any way

I think you may not realise that for plenty of people an adult who smokes weed is not desirable. Loads of people do it when younger. But i wouldn't look at having a relationship with someone who does it as a adult.

PickledFanjoCat Mon 19-Nov-12 16:36:20

Yes to finding weed undesirable. I would never start off a new thing with a weed smoker tbh.

If he finds chatting up etc would Internet dating be worth a try?

It's sometimes easier to start with texts and emails. And the women will have seen his photos etc.

sooperdooper Mon 19-Nov-12 16:42:18

Internet dating would be a good idea, but one of the paid sites, the free ones like plentyoffish are full of loons smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 19-Nov-12 16:45:06

How does he hold down a job if he doesn't talk to women? How does he communicate with you? How does he function in society etc.? As I suspect you mean he feels uncomfortable flirting or talking to women with a view to them as a partner, rather than a friend, colleague or someone else he engages with to get things done.... then the best advice is for him to avoid the whole stressful business of 'relationships' or 'dating' and instead develop more friendships and connections with people who share his interests instead. Cooking sounds like an in btw. Baking courses are massive these days. Tell him if he can talk to you, he can talk to other females.

(The weed is a killer... best to knock that on the head if he wants to meet grown-ups.)

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 19-Nov-12 17:26:07

As an ex weed smoker I suggest he gives that up to start with.

Very unsociable drug that makes you paranoid. If he has low self esteem that will make him feel worse.

PickledFanjoCat Mon 19-Nov-12 18:18:10

Yes to a paid one! My sis does pof and they are all after sex.

PickledFanjoCat Mon 19-Nov-12 18:19:48

Maybe suggest a relaunch Ion the new year

Give up weed
Try some courses to help with social things
Maybe treat himself to some new clothes
Internet dating when ready


lisad123 Mon 19-Nov-12 18:20:49

Tell him to give up the weed, and evenings spent on PS3 he should either take up a group sport or a night class.

Charbon Mon 19-Nov-12 19:44:21

I think internet dating for someone who hasn't yet had a sexual or romantic relationship could further damage his confidence, so endorse the 'shared interest' suggestions e.g. new hobbies, political activism or classes. You say he's got a job, so doesn't he have to work with women and develop collegiate relationships? Workplaces are often the best places to start friendships that develop into something more.

The weed smoking (and to a lesser extent, PS3 habit) will have to go though. Very few women want to get involved with a drug user.

bakerbakerfairycaker Mon 19-Nov-12 23:38:23

His work is shifts in a very male dominated factory, I don't think there are any women in his team.

OldernotWiser47 Tue 20-Nov-12 02:19:37
Agree, I would never, ever start a relationship with a drug user not even weed. He is 28, not 18, and even then it wasn't attractive!

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