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Trying to 'save' it....

(3 Posts)
NettleTea Mon 19-Nov-12 13:56:41

went off on a rant on another thread, so after reading thread after thread the last few weeks I am just so, so, I dont even know WHAT about the state of things..... and ironically I was IN a very abusive relationship for 9 years (the last but worse in a succession of progressively more damaging relationships through my youth)

why is it always the woman who seems to want to/have to 'try' to save the marriage, whilst the narc-y bastards just carry on as is with no trying whatsoever. what does that say to our daughters?

are THEYtrying?? or just trying to remain in control?

A relationship takes 2. Thats both people committed to being together, to loving and supporting each other, and working together to make life better for the both of them and any kids. Of course there are times when life is tough, when things happen, but this ongoing name calling and entitlement and just downright nastyness without a shred of love in evidence, and too, too many women just taking it, supposedly for the sake of their kids, for their marriage.

What is it about marriage, or even relationships in general, that so many women seem to just hang on in there? almost as if they have been brainwashed that putting up with anything rather than leaving. I know, I did it myself, and to this day I still dont know why, when I KNEW it was a bloody miserable existance, why I didnt just say 'fuck this' and go.

We only get one life, why waste so so much of it entrenched in the misery of being with such horrible horrible men (though I accept it can be gender reversed btw, but women seem more likely to cling on and try to 'save' something which died the moment they signed on the line/moved in/got pregnant/became dependant)

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 19-Nov-12 14:12:57

Why? Because we invest a lot of time, faith and emotion in marriage. It's an expression of hope for the future. It's also a repository of pride.... who wants to admit they made such a terrible mistake? We have lots of negative prejudice about single-parent families and we talk about 'broken homes'. We grow up with messages like 'taking the rough with the smooth' and 'for better for worse' so we make allowances and excuses and feel responsible for the outcome. There's even 'habit'.... live one way for long enough and you think it's normal.

Leaving is also daunting. Change is scary. Leaping into the unknown, maybe with no cash or nowhere to live, responsible for children or even just ourselves is difficult. So there's the temptation to rationalise it as 'not as bad as all that' because the alternatives are genuinely offputting.

Easy to look back with hindsight that it wasn't so scary, wasn't so difficult. Very easy to wonder why you stuck it so long. Easy to advise others that you see making the same errors to 'LTB'.. smile

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Mon 19-Nov-12 14:41:06

From what I have seen, its because the woman is usually left to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship. Childcare, making ends meet financially etc.

Who really wants to do that?

Without making sweeping generalisations, because not all men do it, but IMO most women try harder than the man because they know they will have do do everything alone without the support of a partner.

Being a LP is bloody hard.

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