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DH is sulking(105 Posts)
I just needed to have a rant, and I've namechanged as my DH knows my usual username on here.
My DH has always sulked a bit whenever we've argued, and he also sometimes just gets in sulks for no reason and says nothing is wrong. These sulks can last up to a month at times, but are usually 3 or 4 days.
On Saturday night we had an argument, over something very minor, just like most other couples have from time to time. Whenever we argue he always comes up with all these things he doesn't like about me, and on Saturday night it was no exception, and he even said that he hates me sometimes. What he does is he says things that are going to inflame things and upset me, then says that he's not prepared to argue and goes to bed or just ignores me so it's pointless talking any further about it. He kept saying to me 'YOU started it' as the thing I'd said had caused the argument but he had turned it into an argument.
Saturday he just went to bed, and I was very upset and tearful but I stayed up quite late watching TV and chatting to a friend online, and then went to bed thinking it'd be ok in the morning. Well yesterday he woke up all smirking and off with me and I just knew I was in for a day of sulking. I tried to speak to him in bed and said I was sorry for the argument and could we put it behind us and enjoy the family day out we had planned. I then asked if he would apologise to me as I felt what he had said about me had been a total attack on me and he smirked and said "I'm sorry" in a sarcastic, mocking voice. I got up and went downstairs to sort the children out and he came down after a while and I could tell he was going to sulk all day. He normally doesn't bother with the children hugely but if we argue he's all father of the year and interacting with them as if to make a point to me that "We are all getting on, it is you that's the odd one out". I asked if we were still having our day out and he said "No because you don't seem interested enough" and at that point I decided to just leave him to get on with his behaviour so I told him I'd be taking the kids out as planned, and he could either stay home or come, I really wasn't bothered which he chose as he was behaving like a child. He chose to come!
The day out itself was ok but when he sulks he walks round with a smirk on his face, and does things constantly that he knows will wind me up, to try to provoke an argument and then he can say I'm unreasonable. Yesterday he'd do things like wait outside a door to get in a shop with me, then suddenly randomly walk off quickly and go in another shop without saying he was going elsewhere. Then saying he was going for a wee and leaving me in a shop with the kids where the kids were buying/choosing things, and he came back half an hour later and he was dismissive when I said he'd been quite a while and I was wondering if he was ok. Or he'd be nice for half an hour and chatty then suddenly stop talking to me again, all the time with a smirk on his face. He went to bed early last night and didn't bother locking the front door, which is something he normally does each evening, then this morning when he got up for work, earlier than I needed to get up he just put the bedroom light on, not the lamp the main light, and walked out of the room leaving it on. I wouldn't mind so much if I hadn't have been up in the night with one of our DCs who was poorly, for 3 hours.
Sorry this is long, I just needed to vent. I've decided that now I am going to get myself more of a life and leave him to his pathetic little games, and try and make out I don't really need him that much anymore. If he's in a mood tonight I shall go straight out for a run.
Anyone got any tips in dealing with sulkers?
I was of the view that you would attend a joint session and then the counsellor may recommend individual counselling.
However reading this has proved food for thought.....
I agree with the leave the bastard brigade, however if you are not ready for that I suggest just ignoring him when he behaves badly. Take the children out for the day on your own. Visit friends or family, don't discuss with him where you are going. Don't try to persuade him out if it, just don't react at all.
One of my ex's was like this, but it's only on reading this thread that I've really twigged it.
I remember once when I was seriously ill with tonsilitis. ExP did not stop moaning once that I was ill "in case he caught it"
I remember spending one weekend huddled on the sofa as far away from him as possible so I wouldn't give it to him and apologising all the time that I was ill...and only at the end of the weekend did I think WTF? Why am I apologising for being ill? (and he didn't catch it).
Am to say I stayed nearly another year with him until other stuff just made it horrible being with him. I felt I always had to accomodate him and his wishes and walked on egg shells if he was unhappy until I worked out what was wrong so I could fix it.
I am now with DH who is the total opposite of controlling etc. DH's main wish is for me to be happy.
My dh used to be a bit like this, although not on this scale.
I sat him down and told him, calmly, that it was affecting my mental health and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. He had a choice - shape up or leave. He chose to shape up. I put up with it for a long time, stupid really, but when dd2 was born and dd1 was old enough to start noticing I decided that it was time to do something about it.
The difference with your dh, OP, is that when you try to talk to him he just escalates his behaviour. This is the difference (imo) between a man who has fucked up and is willing to try and fix it, and a man who's an abusive twat.
I won't pretend that everything's all rosy, I still have to pull him up from time to time, but the message now is that he either talks about what's bothering him, sorts it out himself so he's not taking it out on the rest of the family or just damn well gets over himself. He finds talking about things difficult, mostly due to the fact that his parents only ever talk about the weather and what happened on Coronation Street. He's realised that if he doesn't behave like a rational functioning adult then he will lose his family and he doesn't want that so he's trying.
If he's not willing to try then he's not showing you the love and respect you deserve and you need to get rid.
Am I right in thinking he will start being nice to you again when he decides he quite fancies a shag?
And what will you say/do then?
Hopes it's 'you're having a bloody laugh, aren't you?
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