Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH is sulking(105 Posts)
I just needed to have a rant, and I've namechanged as my DH knows my usual username on here.
My DH has always sulked a bit whenever we've argued, and he also sometimes just gets in sulks for no reason and says nothing is wrong. These sulks can last up to a month at times, but are usually 3 or 4 days.
On Saturday night we had an argument, over something very minor, just like most other couples have from time to time. Whenever we argue he always comes up with all these things he doesn't like about me, and on Saturday night it was no exception, and he even said that he hates me sometimes. What he does is he says things that are going to inflame things and upset me, then says that he's not prepared to argue and goes to bed or just ignores me so it's pointless talking any further about it. He kept saying to me 'YOU started it' as the thing I'd said had caused the argument but he had turned it into an argument.
Saturday he just went to bed, and I was very upset and tearful but I stayed up quite late watching TV and chatting to a friend online, and then went to bed thinking it'd be ok in the morning. Well yesterday he woke up all smirking and off with me and I just knew I was in for a day of sulking. I tried to speak to him in bed and said I was sorry for the argument and could we put it behind us and enjoy the family day out we had planned. I then asked if he would apologise to me as I felt what he had said about me had been a total attack on me and he smirked and said "I'm sorry" in a sarcastic, mocking voice. I got up and went downstairs to sort the children out and he came down after a while and I could tell he was going to sulk all day. He normally doesn't bother with the children hugely but if we argue he's all father of the year and interacting with them as if to make a point to me that "We are all getting on, it is you that's the odd one out". I asked if we were still having our day out and he said "No because you don't seem interested enough" and at that point I decided to just leave him to get on with his behaviour so I told him I'd be taking the kids out as planned, and he could either stay home or come, I really wasn't bothered which he chose as he was behaving like a child. He chose to come!
The day out itself was ok but when he sulks he walks round with a smirk on his face, and does things constantly that he knows will wind me up, to try to provoke an argument and then he can say I'm unreasonable. Yesterday he'd do things like wait outside a door to get in a shop with me, then suddenly randomly walk off quickly and go in another shop without saying he was going elsewhere. Then saying he was going for a wee and leaving me in a shop with the kids where the kids were buying/choosing things, and he came back half an hour later and he was dismissive when I said he'd been quite a while and I was wondering if he was ok. Or he'd be nice for half an hour and chatty then suddenly stop talking to me again, all the time with a smirk on his face. He went to bed early last night and didn't bother locking the front door, which is something he normally does each evening, then this morning when he got up for work, earlier than I needed to get up he just put the bedroom light on, not the lamp the main light, and walked out of the room leaving it on. I wouldn't mind so much if I hadn't have been up in the night with one of our DCs who was poorly, for 3 hours.
Sorry this is long, I just needed to vent. I've decided that now I am going to get myself more of a life and leave him to his pathetic little games, and try and make out I don't really need him that much anymore. If he's in a mood tonight I shall go straight out for a run.
Anyone got any tips in dealing with sulkers?
Wow at your last post, he's going to sulk more often just so you realise how nice he normally is? That's jaw dropping
I think your policy of disengaging is the only one if you're staying.
Maybe that would turn it around so he realises what a crap and lonely place sulking is
I just hope it doesn't have an impact on your kids as it sounds thoroughly unpleasant
Anna is right btw it isn't sulking. It is punishment and abuse.
Yes, I like your last post. I think that's the midset you need to get into, sadly.
He will pick up on it, you know. He will sense a change in you. If he asks, I'd be totally honest. You've had enough of the games and the sulks. Really enough -
'It's quite a scary proposition, isn't it darling? Sometimes I really think I'm getting to the end of my tether with it all. I do know that I won't live the rest of my life like this, and I do worry about the way my opinion of you is changing so drastically - that I'm beginning to see you as such a pathetic, childish person. Hmm, yes, very worrying for the future, don't you agree DARLING?'
Sorry I meant last post as in the telling him nothing post!
(quick moving thread attack)
Sorry just read your latest post- this guy sounds deeply unpleasant - he is deliberately fucking with you to make you feel bad and has so little respect for you that he tells you to your face that he is doing it.
I too think you need to realise that he is emotionally abusing you - he is not stroppy and grumpy he is cruel and twisted and deliberately trying to break you down. Please think seriously about getting away from him for your sake and your children's.
"He also said he's going to make a point of speaking to me badly more often as then I will realise just how nice he normally is."
He is here telling you he is nasty on purpose, and he plans to be even more nasty to you.
This in itself is the main reason to start divorce proceedings and get rid of him.
This is not love. This is quite the opposite.
doctor - from what the OP tells us about this man, I feel that the course of action you propose will escalate things. You're basically suggesting she plays her own form of games against his! Never, ever a good move.
Just to clarify, there has only ever been one month-long sulk and that was about 18 months ago when he was stressed at work. There was no argument or catalyst, he just started sulking for no reason. He wasn't abusive though, just awkward and stroppy. He does get the hump too if I'm ever ill. I usually dont' get talked to for a day or two after being ill.
I deeply disagree with doctor.
For you to play into his little games, it means you are giving your children a very unpleasant home life.
It would be abusive and neglectful to your children to join him in his games.
doctordwt Do you have children yourself, or are you a juvenile young person who enjoy mind games?
I have to agree with the others, it's not sulking as such.
I used to sulk a bit, which is not great, but it was basically just not talking to the other person, and yes, because I thought I deserved an apology and I was hurt.
In no way I would try to hurt them on purpose and play mind games, as your H is doing.
It's clear that you not giving a reaction will push him more and more into provoking you.
You may need to confront him and tell him that if he's not going to act as someone who loves you at all times (yes, even when having a fight) then he might as well leave. Problem is, you'll have mean it.
TBH, ex used to be quite like this and it just killed the relationship.
You think your dc deserve to grow up around this?
He has told you he is going to be more abusive than he already is.
He is using your dc as pawns in his abuse of you and therefor, abusing them as well as you
Please read this book
Your DH is in there and it will open your eyes to his behaviour.
I doubt you are ready to pack up and leave right now, but you can start to protect yourself by educating yourself and getting stronger and hopefully more detached from his mind games.
He does get the hump too if I'm ever ill. I usually dont' get talked to for a day or two after being ill.
That should tell you all you ever need to know about him and how much he
doesn't love you.
blonde he gets the hump with you for being ILL???? Please, go back to my first posting on this thread. Read it very closely. Then read all your postings to us. Then read mine again. Then read all the other ones that say this is abuse and that you should leave. PLEASE.
I would stop looking at his face, or looking him in the eye. This way, I wouldn't see the eye rolling and face pulling, and dickwad would be standing next to me, gurning his little heart out, to no effect, and looking like a right arse.
Be Lou, to his Andy.
These threads depress me no emd, really get me down.
Read back your opening post, OP, in the knowledge that a decent partner would do NONE of these things, none, apart from having an argument over nothing, that is the only bit that is "normal".
Him being a shite dad, unless he tries to prove a point, his sulking, his petty actions, his blatant disrespect for you, his bullying of you, his emotional abuse are all reasons for avself resoecting woman to start thinking of an exit route.
Really. I don ' t even knw where to begin here.
So, this man has said he is deliberately going to speak to you badly to teach you a lesson
I wouldn't try to play him at his own game, because it is likely he will escalate it. What then ?
I would disengage completely and start thinking very carefully about improving my life for the sake of myself, but mostly my children. If that means he isn't in it...so be it.
What an arseing bollock-face.
Seriously, just tell him to fuck off.
You say you talk to him during these periods, about normal stuff, and he does his stupid thing. But have you ever confronted him OP, and told him that it's not bloody acceptable? Month long sulks, one-day sulks, they're not normal you know.
What do you think he would do if you reared up on him and gave him what for verbally? You may not be that type of person, but this surely needs to be sorted, you don't have to live in a partnership like this, it must wear you down. He's a baby, a horrible manipulative, controlling baby.
blonde - OK, let me try another tack with you. How old are your children? Because the likelihood is that when they are of a certain age, he will probably do the same thing to them and treat them like this. Do you want that for them, even if you seem to be prepared to accept it for yourself???
Can we stop calling it Bullying? It's not bullying, it's abusive.
And you think you can make this better by being abusive back?
Sorry, I meant can we stop calling it Sulking - it's not sulking, it's bullying and abusive.
IMO your 'D'H is manipulative and abusive. He does not care for you one iota.
Much like my STBXH! I am sure that the day will come when you will look at him and see him for what he truly is and that will be when you realise you do not want to be married to him any longer.
I agree with NotQuint. Don't play silly childish mind games, especially in front of the children. They will copy you, so think hard about how you would like to see your children delivering sarcastic messages to you and their siblings with a smirk on their faces.
There is only one way to deal with something that you find unacceptable. Talk about it between the two of you, calmly, when the children are not around. Describe what he is doing, how it makes you feel and the consequences to the marriage should he continue in this way. Then listen to his response. It is possible that he has some strong feelings about the way you behave and that you also need to compromise. It is very very hard to accept criticism, even constructive criticism, so you both need to take a step back and listen to one another with an open mind.
Try to find a way where you can both move to a happier place. If the discussion merely becomes another point scoring argument (try hard to ensure this does not happen) then maybe it is time for counselling. Clearly, ultimately, if none of the above work, it may be time to think about separating. Growing up with point scoring parents is very depressing.
Oh yes he has lots of strong feelings about how I behave. I think he'd like to totally change me.
Behaving like he does takes immense energy, and thought, and I hate to say it but it is done to control you.
How dare you be ill, it means it throws his "plans" and what he wants to do all out of kilter and he probably has to tow the husband/father line.
I wonder what his definition of "love " is?
I would seriously re-evaluate your relationship.
I was married to someone like this, and it was very wearing, and frustrating it sucked the joy out of life and I found myself walking on eggshells to try and avoid these moods. It is immensely childish behaviour, and he is setting a bad example to your DCs.
If you are prepared to live with it all well and good but I know I couldn't, and didn't.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.