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advice needed ...if you were the one to leave, how did you leave?

(11 Posts)
tennesseyhennessey Mon 19-Nov-12 08:08:50

I cant carry on in this relationship. Its not fair on me, the kids or dh. Last night when i was asleep, he tried to instigate sex but i just froze. He eventually gave up but tried again later on. i dontkow why i freeze up. Our relationship isnt great but it seemed to bd getting better. I tjink the damage has already been done as i cant forgive and forget the past. He's not physically abusive, he doesnt drink, do drugs, he never goes out, i feel like i should count myself lucky.

I have family i can go to but i dont know how to actually leave. Im too scared to confront him, i dont want the arguments and threats of taking the kids.

Im not even sure if this is what i definately want. Im so confused.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 19-Nov-12 08:31:10

If something damaging happened in the past, there's no obligation to forgive and forget. You don't have to be abused or living with a drunk to be unhappy. Just because you're not being abused doesn't mean you're being treated kindly. In fact, if you're scared of confrontation and are anticipating threats, that doesn't exactly sound like an open and harmonious relationship either. Sounds more like a controlling relationship

Why do you have to leave? Why not find the courage to have the confrontation and ask him to leave? Give yourself time to think. Do some homework first... maybe see a solicitor and ask about your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. Find out about finances, accommodation (if appropriate). As for him 'taking the kids'... it is far more normal for mothers to be designated as the main carer and, unless there is some kind of abuse, 50/50 parenting is seen as the goal.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 19-Nov-12 08:44:25


I remember you from previous writings.

Your relationship with this man seemingly got better because he went into the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle but its a continuous cycle. If he has not reverted back to type he will do so soon enough. You are in a controlling relationship; he is the main cause of your unhappiness and he does not have to be physically abusive to hurt you. Words can be just as damaging. Controlling behaviour like he has shown you is abusive behaviour.

This is also the individual who detested your new hairstyle whereas everyone else loved it including you. This is also the individual who on another occasion smashed your son's pirate ship in front of him in a fit of pique. I have not forgotten that and I daresay you have not either.

Your family will help you here as will Womens Aid. Talk to others as well as writing on here. There will be people around to support you in real life as well as on here. You need a plan to leave, thats also how you leave. Threats of him talking the children are empty ones; this is often said by abusive types to keep their victim in this case you both compliant and subserviant. They are also not above using the children as weapons.

tennesseyhennessey Mon 19-Nov-12 08:57:30

Thank you for replying. At the minute i am trying to decide whether to leave now or wait until after xmas because rather selfishly he only gets every other xmas off, this year being the one he has off , i know he'd want them no take them to his parents to spend it there. The thought of not having my children with me makes me sick.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 19-Nov-12 08:58:30

What they said. He hasn't turned into a nice man overnight; he's just choosing to behave better for the time being. I posted somewhere else the other day that the nice things about her H were not really nice things, it was just that he wasn't doing worse things. Constant low-level cruelty, nit-picking, occasional explosions of temper may not be as bad as knocking you and the kids about, but they're still bad. You don't get many magistrates refusing to sentence a pickpocket because somebody else robbed a bank. It's all on the unacceptable spectrum.

And there's a word for trying it on when you are too sleepy to consent to sex. Not the R-word as such, as he didn't see it through, but it is technically sexual assault. It shows a lack of respect and consideration. You are entitled to a decent night's sleep if you want one, rather than being there as a convenience. I'd be insisting on separate rooms if that keeps happening.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 19-Nov-12 09:03:28

Re Christmas: it's just over a month away. If you are not in immediate danger you have time to make plans for a getaway. Christmas next year is going to be great.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 19-Nov-12 09:03:51


I would be very brave and get the ball rolling sooner rather than later. You need to know where you stand legally and a conversation with a Solicitor would help re such matters.

There is never a good time to leave but delaying it won't help you or your children any.

Christmas is but two days after all. And the time of year when Solicitors are generally at their busiest?. January.

tennesseyhennessey Mon 19-Nov-12 09:54:19

Ok so Re: solicitors what do i need to ask about? We have no money, neither of us have savings. We have a joint mortgage but due to us buying just before market went down there's no equity in it. Realistically he cant take the kids he works permanent lates so noone to have them unless he moves back to where he's from but i cant see a judge giving him full custody to take them away!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 19-Nov-12 10:19:30

Describe your situation and tell a solicitor what you'd really like to happen - things like being the primary carer for the children, financial support, him leaving the property because he's emotionally abusive, and how you start the divorce ball rolling. Make a list so that you make the most of the time you have with them. Keep notes or even make a recording of the conversation so that you can play it back if you miss a bit. See how much of what you want is realistic and how much isn't. Understand your rights and responsibilities so that you have good arguments to come back with if/when he throws things at you like 'taking the kids'.

aefondkisses Mon 19-Nov-12 12:26:39

I could have written your post TH and I'm sorry you're in this situation as I know how much it hurts. Keeping someone in a state of confusion is a form of abuse, it's like "playing the fish", tiring it out so it stops fighting back.

He won't get the kids, don't listen to him that's just a guilt game. Get all the info and keep listening to yourself.


Teabagtights Mon 19-Nov-12 12:59:49

You will need a months deposit and a month in advance for a rented house, also a landlord that will accept housing benefit if you do not earn enough to cover the rent.

You will need to disassociate yourself from your current home as being classed as a homeowner may impede your right to housing benefit.

Work out how you are going to manage financially on your own, don't assume you will get maintenance, work along the lines that you won't and if you do that will be a bonus.

Use an online calculator to see what benefits you would be entitled to.

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