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Is this normal???(10 Posts)
Hi there MN I have been seperated from my H now for 6 weeks. It has been very hard not in the fact that I am missing my H because I am not but the fact I don't know what to do for the best. My H is coming to terms with the fact I don't want him back and seems to be starting to make plans although most of it sounds like a pack of lies when I ask him. H is paying all the bills, mortage food etc at the moment because I am not working at the moment as have taken a sabatical and not due back until the new year. At first I was made up in y head that I was going to sell the house and move back to where we were living previously which is proving to be so exepensive as will have to rent, we have animals so this is proving very difficult as well. Need an address to get the DC's back into their old school, the problem is that I don't really want to go back, I don't want to go back to my old job or where I used to live but not sure I can cope here on my own with not a lot of help, what would you do in my position??? I am making myself ill with thinking about it and can't make a decision for toffee.....
six weeks is still early days. Not surprising you are feeling unsettled. A couple of questions:
- why are you considering moving back if you don't want to and can't afford it?
- what happens to your job if you move?
- will your ex still see the children as much if you move?
I would get much better informed about what your real options are. Do the maths, work out the money, investigate the practicalities in much more depth and be very realistic about it. If you want something badly enough & there are only small hurdles in the way, there are ways to make it happen I often find. When my marriage broke up, for example, I thought I would have to sell my house but I found a few new sources of income, budgeted very carefully and managed to hold onto it. OTOH if you get all the information and it's obvious it really won't work however you look at it, then that can be the spur to doing something different.
Hi Deckswabber and Cogito, I would have to resign from my job in order to do something else where I a living, saying that I have been looking for a year and applying but so many others are doing the same so not had a look in. I could extend my sabatical further to look for something else and if all else fails I can still go back to the job. My DP's think I should stay put and leave my job go on benefits and get a part-time job. In theory yes but a lot easier said than done. Heres the deal if i went back I would have work nearly or full time to earn enough to rent somewhere so I can stand on my own two feet, downsides are that I would not see the DC's , It would be paying out hand over fist, thats why I did what I did, move where I am for a better life, it has worked on my part but unfortunately H didn't see it like that told me he never wanted to move here, won't transfer his job and wants to stay in London, so it became a self fulfilling prophecy on his part. So here I am on my own no money only his for as long as he will do it for without a fight, sounds grim but I do love it here, my mortgage is cheaper than rent up where I have been looking, DC's love it here too, I have a few friends. I really don't know what to do for the best. H is staying here down here at weekends to see the DC's but staying with relatives which he keeps complaining about everytime I see him and wants to get somwhere near his work, so he chose the job over his family. Thats why got rid along with a catalogue of other things
"Heres the deal if i went back I would have work nearly or full time to earn enough to rent somewhere so I can stand on my own two feet, downsides are that I would not see the DC's ,"
Welcome to my world Sorry, but that is generally the reality of being an independent woman making your own way in the world. Being reliant on an ex is a hell of a risk, I think. For my personal feeling of security I'd much rather be able to point to my own money and treat anything I get in maintenance as a 'nice to have'. If it's any reassurance, as a LP since birth, I have a pretty close relationship with my DS despite me having worked his whole life. You find that you compensate for the day-time absences by being more engaged at evenings and weekends.
I wouldn't move back somewhere more expensive where you don't actually want to live. You and the dc would get used to you working full-time and you would get to stay where you want to be. No point moving back to be miserable.
Your ex would still be expected to contribute and you may be entitled to help, tax credits etc.
But life isn't easy, you have to make compromises, it's just which ones.
Thank you for all those that have taken the time to reply to my dilema. I know either way won't be easy then life with children isn't although we love them dearly. I just want to do whats best for all of us really, and feel the decsion has got to be the best decision all around. What made you make your minds up what was going to best for you, as one day I feel I know what to do and the rest of the time I keep feeling I really can't face doing it all again.
From what you've written here, it sounds to me like you want to stay where you are. So do that. Make that decision in your head and stop wasting further energy on the moving back idea. Then you can start to think about how you can build your new independent life around where you are now.
Please please dont give up owning a home for a rented one unless you really have to. Its awful, i used to own my own home but gave it up. Now im left panicking that i will have to change schools every time my landlord decides to sell the house / put the rent up etc etc. Let alone the back of your mind worry about things breaking, never being able to make it your own home.
Thats my first point, secondly like the others have said its early days so dont stress you have the rest of your life to decide what and where you want to be. Deal with the immediate situation now and then the rest will work itself out. xx
Thank you again, I do want to stay but H has been on at me to sell the house to pay off debts so he can walk away debt free, meanwhile I have lost the roof over my and the Dc's heads, more like he doesn't want to continue paying the mortgage and I am making it easy for him to do so. I don't want to be fighting over money for the next god knows how long as I have seen so many friends do so when they have seperatated or divorced it always gets messy and bitter from what I have seen thats what I am dreading. I can't afford a solicitor at this stage and trying to keep it civil, which is working so far but it is taking its toll on me as feel awful today.
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