Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't know how to handle this situation.Offended and upset MIL and DD.

(54 Posts)
alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:12:00

Saturday Dd (7) was at sleep over with Mil and Fil. Everything was fine until bedtime when DD got upset, saying she misses me and dh cos she doesn't see much of dh cos he works lots and late and she wants to go home. Mil did the comfortimg thing youll see them tommorow etc then dd said either; I like it at nans because I get to see mummy and daddy when they come home from pub.(she doesnt sleep over at my mums as no room) Or; I Want/like it better at nans because etc.
This has really upset my mil and she was nearly in tears when telling dh about it when she dropped dd off this morning, and has said she doesn't want to see dd for at least a couple of weeks.
Dh understandable was cross with dd, 'what have you been saying to gran,shes upset etc' and dd was in tears all morning.
Talking to dd over the course of the day I get the impression she was over tired. She also says she can't remember everything she said to gran but she didn't say she likes nans better.
Dh says his mum, said 'dd was crying for us two, then saying she would rather be at nans.'
Now I can understand this might hurt mils feelings. Mil and Fil don't see dd much because of work comitments on both sides and dh is not one to ring up everyother day like I do with my mum. Also we live a lot nearer my mum easy walking distance so they see more of dd than the inlaws. So inlaws might feel a bit left out.
But on the other hand dd is 7. She was overtired. (she loves going to grans and prefers to eat grans food rather than going out to eat at mcdonalds, enjoys snuggling up to watch a film, she always gets a comic and pocket money off them and mil has done up a small bedroom just for her so she is spoilt)
Mils strength of being upset is disconcerting.we are torn between thinking dd must have said something awful that she darn't admit to us and mil didn't tell dh the full story, or mil is taking the percieved slight too personaly. (She said she didn't want a phonecall off dd either knowing that we would encourage dd to phone gran and appologise.)
Is there any grans out there who can shed some light on this?
Any parents who have had a similar situation?
I really don't know how to handle it.
I know that if there is a problem I will get the blame. Other 'offences' have been comited unwittingly /taken the wrong way.
Dh is upset too as he is stuck in the middle he also re-enforced my knowing I would get the blame by saying 'you know that it will all boil down to being your fault'
Dd want to make a card to send to gran saying 'sorry I said I liked it at nans' Which sounds really petty when its said like that.
Anyway sorry its long What do I do?

DameFanny Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:33

What's your mil like generally? Would she have made it up or exaggerated it? Why does your DH recognise that his mother is likely to somehow make it your fault?

vigglewiggle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:20:20

It sounds like your DD knows exactly how to play the adults around her to get what she wants. Your MIL's reaction is child-like and ridiculous. She needs to tell your DD that what she is saying is rude and leave it at that. Getting emotional when a child is clearly manipulting you is a huge mistake.

I also think it was a mistake to draw DD into the aftermath. She now knows exactly what power her manipulations have. She has learned nothing else from this experience.

I think the grown-ups need to act like grown-ups and the children need to be told when they are being rude.

difficultpickle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:21:07

How old is your mil?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:22:13

You tell your MIL to grow up. End of. This is ridiculous. She's either misunderstood or vastly over reacted. Your DD is 7, she should not be shouldering the blame for this adults twattery. It doesn't sound like your DD said what your MIL thought she said anyway, but even if she did, she's 7 - they say stuff like that, she's just as likely to say to your Mum that she likes it at her other granny's more because she gives her nicer biscuits or something. The adult response to any of that is simply 'Oh do you dear, that's nice'. Yes, it can hurt a smidge sometimes, but jesus, she's 7. Your MIL is being particularly nasty not wanting to see your DD or talk to her - totally bloody pathetic.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:24:36

There is nothing in your OP that makes me think your DD was rude, nothing at all. Upset yes, but not rude. Sometimes children do just want to go home to their Mum & Dad, that's hardly rude.

chocolateorange Sun 18-Nov-12 20:25:01

She told the truth, would you rather she lie to spare mil feelings?

My dd told me the other day, "I wish Lara's mummy was my mummy. She's pretty with lovely swishy hair." I shrugged and said lucky old Lara's mum and forgot all about it - she's 7.

bamboostalks Sun 18-Nov-12 20:25:41

Wow your mil sounds a bit unhinged. Doesn't want a see a 7 year old for a few weeks because she said she liked her other nanny more! obviously she would be hurt but a normal soul would swallow it and accept that 7 years olds can be unthinking and possibly a bit nasty when tired. What an over reaction. Send letter saying sorry for hurting your feelings and then ignore. Certainly take no personal responsibility for the fiasco. Your husband can drive this one.

PropositionJoe Sun 18-Nov-12 20:28:16

This is ridiculous. All DD should have had in response was "ok, now snuggle down" or something similarly bland. Your MIL is in the wrong , IMO.

vigglewiggle Sun 18-Nov-12 20:29:36

I think it is rude for a 7 year old to list the reasons why she prefers the other grandma's house. I have a six year old and she knows that kind of behaviour is rude.

Having said that, I think she is only behaving like that because she knows she gets a reaction. The bigger issues are working out why she wants to get a reaction, and coaching MIL so she doesn't over-react so massively.

ajandjjmum Sun 18-Nov-12 20:29:43

It all seems a bit childish - but it's allowed from DD, because she's a child. Your MIL comes across as a drama queen. It sounds like what you DD was trying to say was that she liked staying with your Mum, because she got to sleep at home - all quite understandable at 7.

Maybe say that you're sorry DD upset her, but she didn't mean to and loves her very much.

omletta Sun 18-Nov-12 20:30:05

Complete over reaction.

My MIL gets a cats bum face if one of the DC mention another grandparent, but I don't thnk she would actually say anything.

AnyaKnowIt Sun 18-Nov-12 20:30:46

Your MIL needs to get a grip ASAP what an over reaction!

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 20:31:41

Your MIL has reacted ott about this perceived slight and saying she doesn't want to see your DD smacks of your MIL wanting to punish your DD as she must know that she enjoys seeing her.

I suggest you don't bother with her until she grows up ignore as not feeling charitable tonight.

DowagersHump Sun 18-Nov-12 20:33:54

OFGS - what a storm in a teacup!

Your DD was honest and your MIL is being stupidly oversensitive and very childish.

I'd just laugh at an adult who behaved like that

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:38:09

Mostly Mil is fine though sometimes I feela s if I am walking on egg shells so I don't say anything that might be percieved wrongly.
A few times I have done something said something that has been taken the wrong way or missunderstood. There was an incident when dd wasn't feeling very well we still went to mils adn dd was very quiet and sat with me nearly the whole time. Whilst there I told dd that some people call a cats bottom a rose bud. Dd laughed and said she wouldn't want to smell that one. Mil has cats, thought Dd was being very whispery and giggly with me, Sil over heard something about cats bottoms and they thought we were being funny about the cats. Mil of course told dh, he told dd off thinking that she had been funny about the cats and it was myfault because I'm not over fond of cats. Dd was devastated, she loves gran she likes her cats. I sent a message to mil telling her dd was really upset, explained that dd was sat with me quiet because she wanst very well and that she hadn't been mean about the cats. I got a message back with the gist being 'we'll forget about it and the less said the better.
Another occasion I had told dd not to spend a long time on the computer at the night time so dd had told gran 'mum said I can't go on it' (She could have still gone on it the next day). That was taken as Me being bossy and spoiling mils time what she chooses to do with her. She was a bit funny with me for a couple of weeks after that. a bit quiet with me.
I aslo asked my mum if she wanted to go swimming with me and mil. and mil then backed out and now I suspect it was becasue I had asked my mum without checking it was ok with her.
I also didn't let dd start having sleepovers until she was about getting on for 6 ( shes now 7 3/4) because till then she was still waking throught the night when she wet her sleep pants or just was waking and calling for me and I thought it unfair for inlaws to be disturbed through the night because of it. This was taken as me not wanting to 'let go' which was implied and hinted at.
So I know that this will also be blamed on me.

LittleBairn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:39:35

While your DD may have been rude your MIL is being manipulative and a bully to say she doesn't want to see or speak to her a couple of weeks. Your DD is being punished for being honest that she wanted to be at home many 7 year olds aren't ready to stay overnight with others regardless of their family connections.
It could have been avoided if your MIL respected your DDs feelings and called you or brought her home notepad she ignored your DDs wishes upsetting her further only then to come home and be verbally abused by her own father for upsetting his mummy. They both owe your DD a massive apology.

LittleBairn Sun 18-Nov-12 20:41:33

Cross posts Your MIL sounds controlling and hard work and your Husband seems to back her bailout no wonder your DD is uncomfortable at her house!

Pinkforever Sun 18-Nov-12 20:42:00

Your mil and dh both sound like twats. Tell them to get the fuck over it.

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 20:44:27

vigglewiggle hmm. You think the OP's 7 year old dd was being manipulative? I actually found your overuse of that word with regards to an upset child really odd. Is that your first point of call for all emotions displayed by children? My dd is 6 and I would be quite sad if she had been upset like that, manipulation would not even have crossed my mind.

OP agree with poster who says MIL needs to grow up. Dd is A CHILD! I am afraid I would tell her quite categorically to get a grip. I'd be embarrassed for her actually. Honestly do NOT buy into this, it's pathetic.

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 20:46:37

Oh and if she said she wouldn't see her for however many weeks because of it, then she would be told very bluntly what a tit she was being and that dd will see her when she (MIL) has stopped sulking!

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:48:54

Gosh thanks for all your replys. I type so slowly by the time I had finished responding to first comment all those had come in! Our D.d is very polite, we always remind her before she goes anywhere to remember her manners don't ask for anything or expect acertain thing because it has been done/given before etc.. We are really proud of her how she behaves normally (sometimes we have to give her a gentle reminder like 'p' if she has just being given something and then she will remember and say 'please' or she might talk about biscuits at someeones house hoping to be given one and we'll give her a look or just say her name and she'll realise or if not later we will remind her or tell her depending on the situation that she is not to do that it is bad manners etc..
She isn't manipulative either she doesn't ever play me or dh off against each other or anything like that.
A few times at home when she has been particularly tired she has cried and said to me I want daddy, And I've just given her an extra hug and told her that when he gets home dh will come and see her and that shell be asleep by then..

I think the letter and then forgetting about it is a good idea. I think we'll do that.

SingingSands Sun 18-Nov-12 20:52:27

I think your MIL has overreacted. And now made things worse with her "I'll not see her for a few weeks" response. How does that make things better? How will your DD understand that?

She sounds like a right piece of work - HARD work. Is your DD the only grandchild I wonder? It sounds as though your MIL is being rather possessive of her affections.

alwaysworriedtoo Sun 18-Nov-12 20:54:47

And yes Littlebairn I wondered why she couldnt have rang us and told us dd was upset, we could have talked to her said goodnight and told her sweet dreams we'll see you in the morning.

HellothisisJoanie Sun 18-Nov-12 20:56:10

why are you on this topic?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: