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Unsure what's best for my daughter

(17 Posts)
Pamelad18 Sun 18-Nov-12 13:07:04

I split with my daughter's Dad at the beginning of Sept. He was emotionally & physically abusive towards me. He has been having regular contact with our daughter but recently he did not see her for 9 days (although I contacted him asking if he wanted to see her). When he did see her he had her overnight and when I got her back she was very clingy and screamed when I left the room (she is 14 months).
I have not contacted the Police regarding the violence towards me so basically it would be my word against his. What do I do regarding his contact with our daughter?

bananaistheanswer Sun 18-Nov-12 13:13:08

It could just be separation anxiety mixed with the effect the split has had on her. Or he might not be caring for her the way she needs to be cared for. You could suggest supported or supervised contact? I'm not sure how that works if you have not been to the police about any DV Pre-split. It's always difficult when they show distress but can't verbalise what is wrong. Was your ex's treatment of your child cause for concern before the split or was the DV aimed solely at you?

Pamelad18 Sun 18-Nov-12 13:27:35

It was aimed solely at me but since we have split he has shouted at me in front of her and also punched my car when I drove off with my daughter in the car.
I just don't know what to do for the best.

bananaistheanswer Sun 18-Nov-12 13:32:50

I think you would be best to speak to woman's aid to get some advice on how to address his ongoing behaviour towards you. I am no expert on this but your local police station might have a dept who deal with DA and you can talk to them about what's happened, what is still happening and how you can best deal with any future incidents if aggressive and/or threatening behaviour.

bananaistheanswer Sun 18-Nov-12 13:34:02

Then you would have a good case for suggesting supported or supervised contact, at the vary least so you don't have to see him at hand overs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 18-Nov-12 13:53:52

Your DD is a helpless baby. She needs stability and she needs you, not some aggressive, car-punching, shouting man in her life. He probably only wants her overnight to get back at you, not because he wants to be Dad of the Year. Report his actions to the police so that you have it on record that he is a nasty piece of work. Then keep her home safe with you and, if he wants to set up contact, make him appeal for it legally and accept supervised access only.

I'm guessing you're not married?

Pamelad18 Sun 18-Nov-12 13:56:55

Thanks. No we're not married, thank God! I've already rang Women's Aid and got another number to call. Think I'll ring again tonight.
What is DA?

bananaistheanswer Sun 18-Nov-12 13:59:14

Domestic abuse. Covers verbal aggression as well as many other aspects of abuse I.e. physical emotional financial sexual abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 18-Nov-12 13:59:17

Domestic Abuse. When your partner is vicious, all bets are off. 50/50 parenting has to be earned, not assumed. Protect yourself and protect your DD at all costs and, to that end, get yourself proper legal advice and make that complaint against him, even if it is after the event.

LadyLapsang Sun 18-Nov-12 23:17:46

A child that witnesses abuse is being abused so I would contact the police and get advice from women's aid. Personally I would not let someone who had abused me have unsupervised contact, especially with a child that could not speak for themselves. Think it may be a good idea to investigate contact in a contact centre.

AgathaF Mon 19-Nov-12 07:36:01

As other posters have said - police, Women's Aid. Also speak to your health visitor. You need the abuse and violence on record and you need to protect your daughter from being exposed to it. Do not let him have any further unsupervised access.

Pamelad18 Tue 04-Dec-12 11:53:49

Thanks for your replies everyone. Where do I stand with regards to contact for his family? They are pushing me for access and are being quite unreasonable. So much so that I've had to change my mobile number but they are making me feel so guilty!!

prettywhiteguitar Tue 04-Dec-12 12:09:59

they are emotional abusers as well, them them to back off until things have calmed down. Dont think they have any rights and if they are being upleasant to you more fool them.

izzyizin Tue 04-Dec-12 12:27:48

Is your ex named as the father on your dd's birth certificate? Are you in England/Wales or another part of the UK?

With regard to his family members, they have no right in law to have contact with your dd. Don't hesitate to report them/their actions to the police if they continue to harass you.

As previously advised, talk to Women's Aid - find your nearest branch which will open during usual office hours here: www.womensaid.org.uk

Pamelad18 Tue 04-Dec-12 13:43:55

Thanks. Yes he is on the birth certificate.
I have been in touch with Womens Aid and they have put me in touch with another organisation who are very helpful.

Brenboo Tue 04-Dec-12 13:50:18

I wouldn't give him or the family any further contact with your daughter. Let him seek legal advice about contact but until this happens you are the parent with care and your duty is to take care of your daughter. Don't contact him again asking him if he wants to see his daughter. Its the time of year that abusive men escalate and further their abuse, its coming into Christmas time, emotions are running high. Until he behaves responsibly (and that is not evident from his last contact with your daughter), then get some peace away from him. I would most definitely say your daughter is too young for contact away from the home and this was causing her more distress than happiness.
Don't get sentimental about him not seeing his daughter, as he clearly didn't consider how he treated you in the past. Take care

Pamelad18 Tue 04-Dec-12 13:52:47

Thanks Brenboo.

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