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If you had the opportunity to email the OW, would you?

(29 Posts)
doinmybest Sun 18-Nov-12 09:10:43

My husband has recently left me for a woman he had an affair with last year. Their feeling were too strong.......blah blah. I have found her email address and have the urge to tell her what he said about her last time, the things hes saying to me now - keeping his options open obviously, and generally point out his flaws. Childish or an opportunity not to be missed?

Abitwobblynow Tue 20-Nov-12 21:11:45

I fight this all the time. I would love to let her know how much she helped hurt me, what she helped do to my children (for which I would like to kill her [not literally]), ask her what she was thinking, what he said to her, what she got out of it, WHY?

Because, being a woman she would be able to tell me the story.

But then my rational self kicks in, it wasn't about her, she got used, she won't be able to give me any answers that will take the pain away, I could get hurt more...

Until the next time I have to fight the urge.

youliveyoulearn Tue 20-Nov-12 21:01:31

When I discovered my H had been in contact with an ex girlfriend for 2 years I demanded her phone number which he gave me straight away. All he said was "she'll tell you I love you and friendship is all it is"!
I called her the following day and sure enough that's what she said. She didn't fancy him apparentely! I'm ashamed to say that I ended up apologising and crying. What message did that convey!
About a month later I sent a text to which the the reply was - yes you do need to learn to trust again and believe it or not people of opposite sex can just ne friend! How dare she! I did reply only to be confronted by my H because of course she phoned him to tell him I'd text.
I know it's really hard but not a good idea to get in touch because it just makes you more angry.
What I'm now finding difficult is that he has no intention of being with her so I've got to forgive and forget. he has deceived me and I'm finding it hard at times not to look at him and eliebe that he isn't/hasn't contacted her since. I'll never know 100%.

izzyizin Tue 20-Nov-12 12:08:46

That is the only way to do it. Anything less than maintaining a dignified silence towards the ow gives them opportunity, real or imagined, to 'bond' against you.

doinmybest Tue 20-Nov-12 11:37:12

She'll be obsessing about you, you know? Scared he'll go back to you, wondering what's going on when he sees you etc

this along with some really wise words from others has made my mind up. If I scream and shout and make life awkward Im just feeding into the image she has of me and the image he given her. I am going to be calm dignified and self controlled. It will not onlly freak the lives out of them but it gives me time to get myself sorted before I cut ties completely. At the moment I am totally dependant on him financially so while that continues I will be best behaved scorned wife you will ever meet (mmmwwwahhhhh ha ha)

Distrustinggirlnow Sun 18-Nov-12 18:26:13

No, I wouldn't. Well not in the context that you are referring to anyway...

I was extremely tempted to email one of the OW (yes there was more than one) or even text her, but in the end I didn't as I wanted to maintain some dignity. I saw all of their email and IM correspondence and would like to have told her that everything he said about me was a lie. But in the end I decided against it as what difference would it of made...?

I did however email some of his historic contacts, chatty little numbers, so that I could ascertain if he had met shagged them or not.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 18-Nov-12 16:02:52

Well she's certainly got herself a real prize there.

Would leave them to it.

Conserve your energy for moving onto better things. They deserve each other. Sounds like you're well shot of the prick that she's now got.

If you really feel compelled to write to her, perhaps a thank you note that you don't have the lying, deceiving twat under your roof anymore.

I was obsessed with ow of an ex from way back. They didn't last v long and he was desperate to get back with me but by then I'd moved on. Even now, all these years later I want to get in touch with the ow and thank her because without that affair I might still be with that ex. I haven't contacted her but maybe if our paths crossed one day, I'd say something, no bitterness but genuine appreciation that she expedited our break up.

Hope it all works out for you OP.

BornToFolk Sun 18-Nov-12 15:49:27

I Facebooked the OW (she was a family friend). It didn't help me feel any better and made the whole situation worse.
Totally not worth it. Anyone that can have an affair has already deluded themselves about their actions (i.e. marriage not working anyway, wife is an unhinged harpy, etc etc) and anything you do just reinforces this.

CrispyHedgehog Sun 18-Nov-12 15:40:24

I used to forward to her all the emails exp sent to me begging me to take him back and telling me how much he loved me blah blah blah

She challenged me to pistols at dawn in regents park wearing converse trainers

HoolioHallio Sun 18-Nov-12 15:07:10

No because it feeds into the shit he tells her about you being unhinged, unbalanced and all of that other stuff that the sad cow believes wink

Type it out and either delete or save a draft.

scarletforya Sun 18-Nov-12 14:36:03

Please don't, she might 'get off' on the sense of power it gives her, rather than feeling ashamed. She probably thinks she is irresistable at the moment, don't give her any reason to feel that even more with any kind of attention.

My Mother always said 'love me, hate me but don't ignore me' and I think there's a lot of truth in that. Deafening silence shows far more contempt than giving her attention.

Let the realisation of the anti-climax of having your ex-H sink in nice and slowly. She hasn't 'won' anything of value, just a dick led man who lies.

Keep your chin up x

doinmybest Sun 18-Nov-12 14:26:09

You're right. I hope shes happy with him. I couldnt start a relationship with someone I knew had already cheated. Stupid thing is shes divorced from someone who cheated on her so I guess they deserve each other smile

Abitwobblynow Sun 18-Nov-12 10:31:04

No, don't. What it does is give her credibility (as an equal to you) which she hasn't. She is irrelevant.

Write it here, we understand your hurt and anger.

LovesPeace Sun 18-Nov-12 10:26:30

I have the ability to send the girls that my ex had cyber affairs with, an e-mail.
I am swithering whether to do so. On the one hand, I want to tell them that he's a liar, who was still sending me love letters etc even as he was persuading them to photograph themselves naked and send him the pics. I want to warn them that, if I have the pics (and I do) then he's obviously not keeping them securely - and not to put themselves in such a vulnerable position at their young ages (early 20s, ex is 40).
On the other hand, they knew about me, and fell for the 'my partner didn't understand me' bullshit (I understood him only too well) so perhaps morally they deserve what they get (him, ha ha ha!).
So I think I probably won't contact them. Of course, I could just post copies of the pics to their father (one is from a very strict religious background) but hey, I'm still a fucking wonderful person and not going to stoop to their gutter level.

cozietoesie Sun 18-Nov-12 10:01:12


....when I think about the future its definitely without him......

So start today. Let it go and don't email her.

akaemmafrost Sun 18-Nov-12 09:59:26

No, because whatever you get back will make you feel worse. You are giving her even more power over your emotions, waiting for the response, getting upset over the response and so on. She will NOT be decent, why would she be? She's only got his version of events, which no doubt will be unfavourable towards you. She probably thinks she's rescuing him hmm.

She'll be obsessing about you, you know? Scared he'll go back to you, wondering what's going on when he sees you etc. Don't let her have that window into your life. Let her glean bits of information that can only add to insecurity with her "prize of a catch", your ex.

Fuck her, she deserves not one more second of your time.

ImperialBlether Sun 18-Nov-12 09:58:51

I would do it if we had no children together and if the financial side of the divorce was sorted, but I wouldn't otherwise.

Write it out, burn it, yes, but don't send anything. I agree with Bouche that if you get one back showing he's screwing a complete fool then you'll feel much worse.

meditrina Sun 18-Nov-12 09:52:34

Write if it will help you to get out all the things you want to say and yell, but do it on paper or a laptop that has no Internet connexion.

Don't send it.

ErikNorseman Sun 18-Nov-12 09:48:22

I wrote her an email and posted it on here grin it really helped. Fwiw I am very relieved I never sent it to her.

FermezLaBouche Sun 18-Nov-12 09:46:13

Oh hello doin - I've just written on your other thread as well. You are doing the right thing by taking practical steps forward. "Only moved in with her cos he's got nowhere else to go." Right. And I bet he's sleeping on the sofa?
You sound lovely and it's obvious you're hurting, but this bloke is an absolute cockend. Hope you're ok x

FermezLaBouche Sun 18-Nov-12 09:43:58

I emailed a woman my twattish ex shagged behind my back, years ago. (She was one of many, sadly.) I wrote a really heartfelt email I thought would portray me as dignified, but at the same time would express my hurt that a woman could do that..blah blah etc.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I got back a foul mouthed, poorly spelled, garbled load of shite, and what hurt me most was that my P had been shagging someone who was obviously really, really thick. I know that sounds irrational but that hurt a lot.

So - yes I would be tempted, but it might bring you unexpected hurt.

ByTheWay1 Sun 18-Nov-12 09:33:11

Depends how much you hate her/them.....

Three words sent to her "by mistake" from an anonymous email -

"she suspects something"

(was a plot-line in some cheesy US detective series)

doinmybest Sun 18-Nov-12 09:25:23

Im doing ok. Devestated about what hes thrown away, thinking about what we had etc but when I think about the future its definitely without him. If you had asked me last week how I would cope I wouldnt have thought Id be able to get out of bed never mind look after me and the DC's and the dog. He sits outside in the car crying. Hes told me hes only moving in with her cos hes got no where else to go. Hes told my DD Its because he cant afford a place of his own. hes done this before too but didnt leave on that occassion I think these are the things I wanted to tell her, but you're right Northern, hes probably told her some things about me she will just throw back.

MirandaWest Sun 18-Nov-12 09:23:02

I was actually more tempted to email her partner of the time as there was a point where I knew OW and XH were having the affair and it bothered me. Glad I didn't do that either - was better he found out in his own time.

MirandaWest Sun 18-Nov-12 09:20:41

I could have emailed XHs OW. Thought about it a lot but am glad that I didn't in the end - was better to keep my dignity.

NorthernNobody Sun 18-Nov-12 09:17:56

Agree about rising above it. She would counter with hurtful comments he has made about you which would fester.

Tempting though it is, it won't make it all better.

I suggest both of you would be well rid of such a delightful man, but for now you are one step ahead of her because you are on the way out and she is blind to it all.

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