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When nasty fights happen to nice people

(4 Posts)
loveonashoestring Sat 17-Nov-12 23:43:17

Hi there haven't posted before but just wondered if anyone in similar situation had any advice. I think my DH of 15 years and I are both pretty nice people and day to day try to look after each other and show each other respect. But we are both incredibly sensitive which means arguments can come out of nowhere as the other one has taken something the wrong way or been over defensive about something. We both had difficult childhoods in different ways and we have both said that despite being seemingly well adjusted on the surface we must have lots of unresolved feelings and stored up anger which seems to to leak out in our rows. We never argue about anything concrete like money or mess which would be easier to deal with. We always fall out because of some perceived slight or tone of voice. But this year the fights are getting increasingly intense and tonights ended with a bit of a shove which has freaked me out. One min we were watching Strictly with the kids all cosy and 10 mins after they had gone to bed we were rowing about ' a tense atmosphere' that neither party would admit to creating. By 9pm DH had gone to bed as he was so angry and I am installed under duvet on sofa wondering what the hell happened. We are both so tired from long hours, three small DC and never enough money to get to end of month so I know this must contribute. But am so tired of nice times going bad because of our over sensitivity and inability to do anything about it in the heat of the moment. We now seem to be forever having big heart to hearts a few days later with the promise of turning over a new leaf but its not working and am now seriously worried one of us will call it quits.
Just wondered if any highly sensitive MN's were married to other highly sensitive types and how you make it work. Most of my friends are in relationships where one seems stronger than the other so not so much gets taken to heart.
We both know we would benefit from counselling but no way could afford it and DH works until mid eve and every Saturday.

ImperialBlether Sun 18-Nov-12 00:14:51

Who shoved who and what was the reason behind it?

amazingmumof6 Sun 18-Nov-12 00:41:39

talk to gp, you can get counselling free on NHS, though there's a waiting list

write him a letter if talking ends in fireworks, and ask him to do the same.

you must reassure each other that however difficult life is right now you are in it together. that feeling of safe, might ease the tension to start with.
remember, you love each other, so try and apologize and forgive.

try and use humour as an aid to defuse stressful situations,

could you work out a little rota at the weekends when one of you have an hour or 2 to sleep/relax/pursue a hobby while the other takes care of kids? then swap.
I know that tiredness makes everything look so much worse!

Also I find a walk after Sunday lunch is a nice time to reflect on the week gone, the week ahead, swap ideas, work out short/long term plans.
It's a good time to reconnect, have time for each other while the kids chase each other.

And don't go to bed angry.

I was once furious with DH just as he was taking boys camping for 5 days and the argument would have gotten even bigger if he had stayed. but I just couldn't let him go like that so, I said that although I'm still angry I'm happy to forgive him in advance until I actually feel that I can forgive him. it worked!
I actually stopped feeling angry just by saying that I would!

you can forgive him, no matter what, even he's not "sorry", so do it!
forgive him and yourself.
you can work it out and you can be happy.

loveonashoestring Sun 18-Nov-12 11:27:48

Thank you so much for replies, I hadn't noticed how late it was when wrote op and fell asleep soon after.
I will definitely talk to GP about counselling, didn't realise it was available. Not sure when we would find the time to go though. Think we are both feeling a bit shell shocked today that things got so ugly after a nice week of feeling pretty close. Hard to believe we are back here again. Can't stand the thought of another Sunday where the kids pick up on tension so have decided he will spend the day taking them out and we will stay out of each other's way until we can chat later. Remember how sick it used to make me feel as a child, just want them to enjoy the one day they get with their dad.
You are so right amazingmumof6 that a walk on a Sunday is so restorative if we manage it but don't think on the cards for today.
ImperialBlether he shoved me first which made me see red so I shoved him back and then there was a weird tussle for a couple of seconds. Could almost have been a play fight under diff circumstances but we both acknowledge today that it was a new and scary low. Must stress though he is a lovely guy and not prone to any physical stuff before last night.
I know we will talk, make up and move on but I wish I could flick a switch to stop either of us being so easily hurt and defensive when we perceive criticism. Like I said lots of history that needs unravelling, so will get on the waiting list and see what happens. Thanks again for posts x

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