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Any tips on moving past this feeling so i can get on with my life....

(10 Posts)
monstermissy Sat 17-Nov-12 22:18:52

I'm having big problems letting go of anger and upset after splitting with ex partner just over a year ago.

Bit of background... we got together very young, i was 18 he was 20. We were both immature. I adored him straight away and quickly fell head over heels. I fell pregnant with ds1 after about 7 months and we moved into a little flat. Looking back he never treated me well, he drank all the time and still to this day has massive issue with alcohol. He never took me anywhere, treated me kindly etc ive no idea why i thought he was so awesome. He has told countless lies about his past, lying about previous children, divorce and his parents. (no previous kids, no divorce etc) He has been controlling and i believe very EA. I think he has big issues. He has lied countless times about alcohol, hidden his drink, gone into work drunk, drunk throughout the day, told the children they are lying when the kids have tried to tell me things whilst ive been working etc. Its been a pretty crap 16 years, i hear songs now that remind me of sad times and they go right back to the start. However, i was brought up to believe you make your bed and you lie in it so that was what i did. After so many years he battered me down and made me feel worthless. Anyone living or who has lived with an alcoholic will know how i feel i should imagine.

Last year i begged him to leave, he has before but ive always fell for the tears and promises to not drink. I had to give up my job and started on anti depressants, i actually think if he hadnt left i would of got very ill, there were some very dark thoughts etc.

Now the sheer relief of him leaving and being able to breathe again has worn off im really struggling with anger. I do not know what to do with such a feeling. He four months ago has met another women and left our town to live 200 miles away with her, they are planning to get married in the new year. He has introduced her to the kids all very fast. He very smug about moving on and being so happy. All very quick. I have three boys, 16, 10 and 5. My eldest isnt interested in seeing his dad at all. Claims to not give a shit but then he has grown up seeing things no child should. The little two stay with ex and exs mum every other weekend and now the new gf stays two. They love their daddy and do want to see him. He still drinks and that is why i insist on them staying with his mum. The two times he has had the boys alone ive had to pick them up because he has got pissed to the point of passing out. Last weekend he didnt change their clothes or underwear all weekend so i have concerns about him having them alone.

Im need some help to work through these feelings of anger though as he is still controlling my feelings and i want to be free of him. After years of finding empty vodka bottles hidden all over the house and living with him being so horrible i just feel its so unfair that he can just walk away and be happy when he really deserves to rot and be miserable forever. I would love him to be a great dad but he isnt. Its all for show for all his new friends and gf. He has completly re invented himself and its all bollocks.

God sorry its so so long, im just completly broken by him and i want to fix myself and ive no idea how i can do that. I hate him for what he has done to me and my boys.

can anyone help?

monstermissy Sat 17-Nov-12 22:21:35

excuse the mistakes trying to type so quickly.

monstermissy Sat 17-Nov-12 22:34:51

little bump sorry

ledkr Sat 17-Nov-12 22:47:24

Hi there I don't really have advice as such but anger is all part of moving on I have been divorced for years and happily re married but if I think about how shoddily he treated me and our 4 dc and how he does south with his new kids and nothing for ours, I feel furious.
I'd just feel the anger when it pops up and then get on with your life. Don't waste much time on him though.
Although he's moved on and seems happy and different hrs still the same person who caused you so much stress. People don't change long term without help so I'm sure his true colours will reveal themselves in time only this time it won't affect you and your dc. Lots of love xx

monstermissy Sat 17-Nov-12 22:59:55

Thank you ledkr, that's what my family tell me, i don't like to keep on about it to them. I'm ok when i don't have to deal with him but of course i have to. He done nothing with the boys, hes never taken them to play footy or helped them climb trees or even read them a bedtime story (unless ive nagged him to then he did to shut me up and then not again) Now all these people thinks hes Mr wonderful?? after how he treated us. It is the stuff of fury. Cant you just tell ive had to speak to him today.

ledkr Sun 18-Nov-12 07:58:59

I will see mine today when he picks up dd. he will always mention al the things he's been doing as he picks up his dd for the short visit of about 4 hrs. She thinks the sun shines out of him and his gf arses. He took gf away on holiday over our sons 16th birthday and didn't give him anything.
However I look at my life and am far happier than he will ever be. He hates who he is and tries to act young which makes him look stupid. He told me he gets asked for ID in clubs he is 42 and looks older.
I just try not to let him bother me tbh. You will do in time.
My family seemed to think I should be back to normal after a few weeks but it takes ages as you know.
When you are getting on with your life and are over the break up then you will find the anger subsides but in the meantime just acknowledge it then get on with your dsy

monstermissy Sun 18-Nov-12 09:22:21

Thanks again, I guess its a process I have to work through. I just crave indifference. It's no good to feel such anger is it.

ledkr Sun 18-Nov-12 09:25:38

No but normal. Can you talk to a friend? I once raged do much that I wasn't sure if I'd broken anything. My friend was in a similar situation so we re named our ex's knob heads and just moaned as we saw fit. You need to let it out even if its just on here

I'm not surprised you are angry, it's sounds like a very very difficult situation you've been through and still go through with contact. It's like a form of grieving for everything you've been through and recognising now how awful it was and the affect it has had on yours and the children's lives.

Have you looked into counselling? I had to have counselling after separation and it has helped me a lot to reach the place of letting go and moving on. It's taken me 3 years really to feel free of it all.

Do you have an Al-anon group near you. You may find meeting and talking to people there a big help.

monstermissy Sun 18-Nov-12 16:19:17

I think i will look into conselling for sure, living with him for so long has completly ruined me. Which just makes me more angry. Will also look for an Al-Anon group, i did look at that years and years ago but i think that it may of been a new thing then and not rolled out much. Plough on though and hope every week, month gets easier. Its only now im out the other end of it that i can see how abusive and controlling it was. Thanks again. smile

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