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Was this rape?

(10 Posts)
TricksyBee Sat 17-Nov-12 22:04:02

I've been going over this one event in my mind a lot. Need some perspective before I drive myself crazy. It was with my ex-partner, who I've since dumped and am still the evil bitch from hell for it years later. Most sided with him, even my parents were confused and my baby brother was so upset. There was a whole catalogue of beheviour hidden to everyone else but this event has always upset me and to be honest was the start of me getting it together enough to end it. Its only really occurred to me recently that it was rape and I'm so confused, it definitely happened, he always went on about the great sex we had that night after a dry spell while I fucking hated it.

I woke up that night and he was having sex with me. I was so shocked I went on with it. I didn't tell him to stop. I even made appreciative noises, I didn't know what else to do and just wanted it over. I've blamed myself, how could he have known if I made him think I was enjoying it? I was as dry as a fucking bone, that should have been a clue and I was so dry it hurt. He treated me like a rubber doll, shifting me into positions that he wanted while I hurt.

He went on and on about what an amazing night it was and how I loved. All I can think is that I didn't say no.

Really hating myself at the moment, but whats new. I just want to have a functional relationship once in my life and I don't think that is ever going to happen.

RichardSimmonsTankTop Sat 17-Nov-12 22:09:18

Yes, it was rape. There is no way someone who is asleep can consent to sex. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It sounds like you need to talk to someone. Can you see your GP about some counselling?

I'm sorry, I don't have anything really useful to add, but I didn't want to read and run.

Milkandlotsandlotsofwine Sat 17-Nov-12 22:13:34

Yes it was rape. You were asleep and therefore could not consent. No decent man takes it upon himself to enter a woman whilst she is still sleeping. He is a vile specimen and I am very sorry that this happened to you.

I agree with Richard that you would probably benefit from counselling. Perhaps contact Rape Crisis if you do not wish to go though your GP. There are people out there who will understand and will help. You do not have to be alone with this.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 17-Nov-12 22:15:39

Yes it was rape. It's happened to me in the past too. I found the rape crises helpline useful.

TricksyBee Sat 17-Nov-12 22:35:08

Thank you. I've been trying to sort through some of my issues recently and this keeps coming to the forefront in my mind.

I just wanted it over, I was so shocked and confused when it happened and I just wanted it to end. I thought it would end quicker if he thought I was into it and since then I've blamed myself, how could he know etc etc. But I was asleep! I'm going to ring rape crisis to see if they can help. Doctors is useless, been referred to mental health 4 times in 2 years, never even got the promised enquiry letter. New doctor referred me for counselling, got a letter a month later saying due to waiting list if I didn't respond in a week from the date of the letter they'd assume I didn't want counselling. The letter was dated 3 weeks earlier and had a postmark the day before! Phoned and was told I was too late and needed to see my doc again and 'not to waste their time when people need help.' Just fed up with the whole thing.

Just for once in my life I'd like to have a normal functioning relationship and be happy. I just feel so lost. Its not all due to the above incident, many more factors are in play. But this is one of the issues that comes to the forefront, along with why I feel so little about myself that its taken until now to question it.

cronullansw Mon 19-Nov-12 00:06:01

I've woken up and found DP having sex with me.

It wasn't rape for me. The broad declaration, 'Yes, it was rape. There is no way someone who is asleep can consent to sex' is crap.

Legally people who are unconscious cannot consent.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Mon 19-Nov-12 00:25:44

It is rape to stick your dick in someone who is asleep. The OP says she was dry, uncomfortable, etc, and had not wanted sex with the rapist for quite some time, so he decided to rape her.

Tricksy: He's a shit and you are well rid of him. It was not your fault in any way, and his insistence that it was 'great sex' shows what a vile man he is: whether that's because he knows damn well he raped you and is making a big noise about it being 'wonderful' to convince everyone that he's not a rapist, or whether rape is what turns him on.

TiredBooyhoo Mon 19-Nov-12 00:31:14

so sorry OP. yes it was rape. as others have said, there was no consent given so it was rape.

you were not to blame! i agree totally with SGB, i'd say the reason it was so great for him was because he knew he shouldn't have done it.

Lueji Mon 19-Nov-12 00:48:24

I bet he fully knew you didn't enjoy it and his comments were essentially gaslighting and normalising it so that you didn't call it by its true name.

Possibly hoping that you actually said you liked it and consented to more of it.

Chase the docs again for counselling.

And make an official complaint to NHS or whoever about the appointment letter.

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