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What was this?

(23 Posts)
bidibidi Sat 17-Nov-12 21:27:36

Trivial in grand scheme of things, but plays on my mind.

Reception-DD is best friends with Amy in y1. The girls seem to adore each other, I am on quite friendly terms with Amy's mum Jane. Jane & I go for coffee a few times a month, she has been around to ours often, we've shared drinks & (I thought fairly friendly). Jane & I both have older children who seem to get along okay, civil or even friendly.

Jane often moaned about going to soft play every Saturday morning, how bored she was with the routine. Just so DD could see more of Amy I popped into softplay a few times on Saturdays, but Amy never there. I mentioned to Jane how disappointed DD was to not see Amy there, Jane seemed to brush it off.

Few weeks ago went swimming on Saturday for a change. Amy & all family were there! "I didn't know you went swimming!" Jane laughed & she said they've been swimming "every" Saturday for months.

Was Jane just a bit thoughtless, not realising that I was making repeated efforts for DD to meet up with Amy? Amy is very shy so doesn't come on playdates without Jane, btw.

RancerDoo Sat 17-Nov-12 21:31:48

I suspect Jane simply isn't psychic.
If you want your children to play on the weekend you need to ask her.

bidibidi Sat 17-Nov-12 22:00:13

Ouch. Didn't ask because I didn't want to hassle. Jane makes out she is too stressed out by the strict weekend routine & activities she must do with all her DC, she'd explode if she had to juggle anything more. So I was trying to make it easy by not pressuring her to commit to meeting up with us, but hoping we could go to same places same times, anyway.

Also sometimes DC change minds & don't want to go to something (like soft play), so I didn't want to let Jane down either, by failing to make a commitment.

but okay, I will more pointedly ask.

RancerDoo Sat 17-Nov-12 22:21:31

Why don't you ask her if she wants to drop her child at yours for a couple of hours on a Saturday? She might welcome the break.
Sorry, op, don't mean to sound terse - I am not v patient when it comes to one fingered ipad typing!

SoleSource Sat 17-Nov-12 22:44:28

Jane doesn't have anything to feel guilty about.

What a very odd thread.

CoolaSchmoola Sun 18-Nov-12 02:11:18

Your DD sees her friend every day at school, they have play dates - do they really need to see each other on a Saturday too?

I have to admit that I found it a bit well very odd that instead of saying "how about we meet up at softplay one Saturday?" you took to dropping in there a few times to try to engineer a meeting and then told Jane how disappointed your child was that they weren't there....

You sound like you have a bit of a "crush" on Jane. DD and Amy see each other all day five days a week and they have playdates. DD doesn't need to see more of Amy. DD wouldn't have been disappointed not to see Amy at softplay unless you had told her she would be there - and you didn't know she definitely would be because it wasn't arranged.

Perhaps Jane's uber busy weekends are actually a polite way of saying she doesn't want to meet up with you and DD on a weekend. Maybe it's family time - or maybe she thinks the level of contact you/the children currently have is enough.

Perhaps saying they are at soft play but really being at swimming was because she got a feeling you might "drop in" uninvited to their activity so she told you they were somewhere they weren't. She brushed you off because it's really not that important to her, there was no arrangement to meet, she isn't answerable to you, she wasn't responsible for your daughter's disappointment.

You actually sound pretty pushy - "dropping in" to someone elses activity without asking or being asked - and trying to do it repeatedly then passing comment when they weren't there, passing comment again when you bumped into them somewhere else "I didn't know you went swimming!" - why would you? Then posting on here overthinking the whole thing and talking about Jane this, Jane that, didn't want to hassle Jane, didn't want to let Jane down.... And your "Just so DD could see more of Amy" sounds like justifying your tiny bit bizarre stalkerish actions to yourself and us.

You actually come across as a little lot desperate.

OP - it's hard, but Jane is just not that into you....

BertieBotts Sun 18-Nov-12 02:17:25

It's not hassling someone to ask if they want to meet up, it's polite.

I agree it's a bit odd to keep going to a place trying to engineer a meet up and then being disappointed when they don't show up - as someone else said, this mum isn't psychic.

If you want to meet up with her, then send her a text if you have her number, or just ask at school pick up time "Would you and Amy fancy meeting up with me and DD at soft play/swimming/whatever one weekend?" and then you can judge from her reaction - she might be enthusiastic or she might make an excuse or she might suggest something else "I'm getting a little bit fed up of soft play. We usually go swimming instead, would you like to join us?" And if she does make an excuse, just meet up with someone else instead. You must know some other parents with DCs around your DD's age?

TiredBooyhoo Sun 18-Nov-12 02:22:27

perhaps jane wanted to have a saturday activity with her family away from anyone else. she doesn't owe you an explanation as to why she wasn't somewhere that she never said she would be.

TiredBooyhoo Sun 18-Nov-12 02:26:38

in fact reading the OP and op second post over again it's quite odd what you have done. i would be a bit freaked out if i was jane.

mumblechum1 Sun 18-Nov-12 02:31:34

When ours were that age we would never have arranged to meet with another family at the weekend. Weekends were family time, maybe that's how Jane feels?

sleeplessinsuburbia Sun 18-Nov-12 03:48:33

I think if I were Jane I'd feel uncomfortable with your actions and comments if she has more than one dc she probably doesn't want to make weekend commitments.

bidibidi Sun 18-Nov-12 09:04:03

They don't have playdates, sometimes meet up in the park or organised event. The girls don't see each other at school except at start/finish (different lunch and playgrounds). After school is awkward for Jane due to walking distances & clubs. Jane's weekends are already full with her regular routines, I was just trying to fit in with that.

I will ask if Amy is braver about coming with her mum & would be available to come play without her. I could drop her off home in the car later.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sun 18-Nov-12 09:52:49

Encourage your child to make more friends.

Im struggling to see how they have a friendship if there are different lunches and playgrounds. Am I missing something apart from the fact they are in different years at school. Amy will have her own friends in her own year group.

You sould like you are pushing the relationship between the girls. I agree turning up unannounced at someone elses activity is just not on.

Do you have any other friends or have you homed in on Jane because she talks to you at the gates? She's been to your house for coffee a lot - do you ever get invited to hers?

I think you are trying to manufacture a friendship where none really exists.

CoolaSchmoola Sun 18-Nov-12 11:37:30

How are they best friends if they don't spend any time together at school and only see each other at the odd event?

You say they don't have playdates - are they not there when you and Jane have coffee/drinks?

I think this is just a case of young girls enthusiasm than actual best friends - they can't be best friends - according to you they barely see each other.

As Ophelia says I too think you are trying to manufacture a friendship where none really exists - both between the girls and you and Jane.

Do you have many friends OP? Because you seem to be very focused on Jane, to the point where it's actually crossing some pretty big boundaries.

bidibidi Sun 18-Nov-12 11:53:36

Dunno about "best friends"; DD seems to have lots of best friends, lol.

Nursery+reception are mixed at DC school but not with y1, and we went to lots of toddler groups together before that. That's why DD so fond of Amy. So adult coffee is usually when girls at nursery/school, iyswim. We met up a few times over summer but Amy's family away a lot. Jane + family used to stop by afternoons for half an hour sometimes, too, when her other DC at after school clubs.

No not focused on Jane, but I guess I did think there was more friendship there than there is, which makes me feel a bit put out. It's also tough (have had this before so why I'm not used to I don't know) when DD is saying how much she'd like to see more of Amy, and I can't help much.

I guess I should be very grateful Jane is at least friendly. Other DC have chosen friends with parents who were downright hostile (not just to me but to everyone). <<Shudder>>

TiredBooyhoo Sun 18-Nov-12 14:54:02

"I will ask if Amy is braver about coming with her mum & would be available to come play without her."

this actually sounds quite PA tbh. had you considered that amy maybe just doesn't want to play with your dd but that the 'shy' thing is used to save your dd's feelings.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 18-Nov-12 19:59:07

In this instance I read it as Jane has a full weekend and doesn't want to commit to anything else. Unless people have been close for years I don't know many famiilies who mix socially at weekends. We all moan about this or that but sometimes it's letting off steam not asking for solutions. Maybe Jane gets fed up with certain routines but if she didn't set up a playdate it's bad luck she & her DD Amy weren't around when you hoped they would be. Either it's a deliberate snub or as likely, hail fellow well met but keeping it casual.

Why not leave things as they are, nice for your DD to bump into Amy occasionally but try and focus on DD's playmates instead?

JustFabulous Sun 18-Nov-12 20:04:00

She moaned about going to soft play every Saturday but actually has been going swimming every Saturday instead? hmm. I suspect she has been taking the piss tbh.

Hassled Sun 18-Nov-12 20:06:37

I don't understand - why did she even mention soft play when she was actually swimming? Is she one of those competitive-suffering people - does she have life harder than anyone else in the world ever? Did she throw in soft play to add to the whole "how hard her life is" thing?

sleeplessinsuburbia Sun 18-Nov-12 21:02:10

She probably did soft play to death and has since moved on to swimming.

BertieBotts Sun 18-Nov-12 21:26:29

You're massively overthinking this. Just leave it for a few weeks, and then text/ask casually if they would like to come round for tea or meet up one weekend or in half term or whenever. Don't turn up at places hoping they're there, don't suggest swimming if she usually goes with the whole family (let her suggest it if she wants to) and don't make any suggestions about Amy coming on her own, just send a casual text and if you get no response just drop it.

I don't know if you have a DP OP but I don't tend to ask my married friends if they want to meet up at the weekend as it seems an unwritten rule that weekends are family time if one or both parents works mon-fri. I meet up with other single mum friends or families I know someone works weekends, or we meet up with my family/DP's family.

bidibidi Thu 14-Mar-13 09:54:39

Not healthy to come back to this, but I need to vent and have nowhere else.

After this thread (being accused of stalking! shock) I completely pulled back and have made nearly nil effort to be friends with Jane; plus she changed her routines so we rarely see Amy or Jane in school yard nowadays, fine really, although DD obviously still adores Amy. DD has lots of friends we can and do invite around instead.

Dd went to Amy's birthday party and Amy came here (hooray!) for DD's birthday (only guest,just a play & early tea after school) about 6 weeks ago.

I asked the other day if Amy would like to come around again to play, but Jane said that she thought Amy was too attached to DD so they needed to discourage friendship with DD so that Amy would make more effort to befriend others.

I was cheerful & understanding but privately I think Jane's mad. Aside from the 2 birthday events (in 4 months) the girls only rarely see each other, just a few minutes (literally 1-3 minutes) very occasionally in the yard after school. Plus yr1-2 get mixed up at school so they might well be in the same class with each other from September, anyway.

I will give up completely now, I guess that's what you all were trying to tell me.

claudedebussy Thu 14-Mar-13 10:04:33

wierd. well, i think you're right. best back off completely.

sometimes when getting to know someone something happens or they say something that makes you realise you're totally not on the same wavelength. not to say you've done anything wrong, just that you're not compatible for some unfathomable reason.

maybe, maybe not.

but try not to take it personally and just chalk it up to experience.

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