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Money in relationship.

(17 Posts)
biryani Sat 17-Nov-12 18:25:19

I'm in a long term relationship with my DP, and we have a DD, 10. I'm not having a go at him as he's a hard-working and decent sort of bloke, but he has what I regard to be a strange attitude to money in our relationship.

I've given up full time work to look after DD, and now work casually and part time. Luckily for me, I have built up assets over the years, and in terms of wealth we are matched.

He has a business which is newish and sucks up a lot of money. He also has a job for whiich he gets paid a consulancy rate. He doesn't earn megabucks and claims tax credits.

The issue I have is that he doesn't contribute financially to DD. This is the way the household works:

Him: mortgage, bills, himself.

Me: myself (car/ phone/ clothes/ entertainment); food, holidays, Christmas, DD (clothes, school trips, birthdays, etc), childcare.

Friends are flabbergasted that he doesn't pay anything towards DD. Personally I'm not sure. What do you think?

vodkaanddietirnbru Sat 17-Nov-12 18:27:42

all our money goes into the joint account and then we both spend what we need from that. He sounds a bit selfish really

AnnoyedAtWork Sat 17-Nov-12 18:28:59

Well you don't pay anything towards the mortgage, doesn't seem that weird to me, ESP if you both have similar amount of disposable income after all the expenses. It might be better for you to contribute half to the mortgage and he contribute half to childcare etc (just in case for the future so you can prove you paid into the mortgage if you split)

RandomMess Sat 17-Nov-12 18:30:06

well the mortgage and bills do cover your DD indirectly however after such a long time together I do think the set up is strange. Joint pot for all essentials then some spending money each as agreed.

lovemenot Sat 17-Nov-12 18:31:34

Sounds similar to our house with the exception of dd's school fees, he pays the yearly fee but I pay for all the books, uniform, lunches, extra curricular etc. Do your outgoings match?

Ours do on a pro-rata basis but my problem is my contribution is belittled.

MikeLitoris Sat 17-Nov-12 18:31:37

So he pays mortgage and all bills for where you all live?

Personally I would say that was pretty fair.

How would it effect you if you started to use a joint account? If you paid into the mortgage and bills and he did likewise for dd?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 17-Nov-12 18:33:22

Is the mortgage in both your names?

MummytoKatie Sat 17-Nov-12 18:36:31

Personally I'm a joint account person and have been since dh married. The only separate accounts we have are our ISAs and that is only because we have to by law.

However, not everyone sees it that way and I do try to respect different ways of doing things.

He is contributing towards your dd by paying the mortgage and bills and so presumably providing her home.

What you don't say is how much spare you have and he has a month after all the "bills" are paid. That is what really matters.

biryani Sat 17-Nov-12 18:40:54

Thanks all. The mortgage is his. I also pay for (or do) all the DIY in the house, I have furnished and carpeted it, so I see this as a sort of contribution to the household as well.

I doubt he'd consider a joint account as he is, basically, tight with money and I have a far more relaxed attitude to it. Like lovemenot, I feel my contribution is belittled, so perhaps I'm a bit resentful too.

RandomMess Sat 17-Nov-12 18:43:24

Hmmm so if you split he has a house and you have nothing to show for x years together...

He certainly is tight!

ThatBastardSanta Sat 17-Nov-12 18:44:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTwankey Sat 17-Nov-12 18:48:23

Everyone has a different way of managing their money. Some couples have joint accounts others have separate accounts.
As I understand it's not that he is not paying towards his daughter you just pay different bills and are sharing out the household expenditure.

vodkaanddietirnbru Sat 17-Nov-12 18:52:16

I would seriously consider getting added to the mortgage as he could basically sell the house out from under you if he wanted to and you would be left with nothing

Fairylea Sat 17-Nov-12 18:54:33

The only way this would be remotely fair is if the house was in both your names and you both have exactly the same disposable income.... as it stands, no this isn't right. At all.

Personally me and dh have two joint accounts. All money in goes in the household one where all bills come out ofand all spending money is siphoned off into the other joint account which we both spend as we wish.

We are married and have a joint mortgage with the house in both our names.

You need to be aware that if you're not married and the house is in his name only then you are absolutely screwed if you do split.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 17-Nov-12 19:18:32

How did it come about that the mortgage is only in his name?

biryani Sat 17-Nov-12 20:45:46

I'm not on the deeds because I already have a mortgage on another property, which I rent out and which forms part of my income. I know how I stand legally, as I've taken advice. If he threw me out, presumably he'd have to support D anyway? He's canny enough to know he would probably be in a worse position financially then, as he'd have pretty much the same household expenses anyway.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 17-Nov-12 21:02:06

Surely you would be worse off because you would have to pay everything you do now plus your own bills and mortgage (presumably you would live in the house you rent out so would lose that income) ?

I know everyone does things differently but we share one account and spend jointly.

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