Property and seperation

[Nomorepain]

Ex h left in April after he had an affair. I am in maternity leave so not able to pay mortgage etc but he is high earner and covering bills. I feel utterly trapped and upset.

He is now with someone else and got a completely seperate life and home over 3 hours away. He still treats this house like it is his and regularly tells me that he pays the bills he can do what he wants. Today he let himself in. Wanted to stay here with the kids. I am ill with migraine like headache and sickness and need to have some time on my own - he ignored both mine and sister in laws requests for help to look after kids and turned up an hour late. I look after the kids majority of the time. he has them for 6 hrs every other sat and sunday. He has also just taken my car off me as his company pays for it. I feel utterly trapped. He won't have the kids overnight and says only way he will is if I fuck off out of the house as the house if for the kids nothing to do with me. He is so horrible to me, refuses to communicate or make decisions about important things - mortgage, Christmas, divorce and just either yells horrible things to me or winds me up and then turns in silent treatment.

What can I do to get off this horrible rollercoaster?

[dequoisagitil]

You are married, you have rights and claims on the assets of the marriage. He has no right to swan back into your house when he feels like it. He has left, is living elsewhere.

Get yourself down to a lawyer or CAB, get legal advice, get things in motion. You don't need his permission to get divorce proceedings etc going. Communicate through lawyers if he won't speak civilly to you.

[Nomorepain]

I have just appointed new solicitor but what can I do in the meantime. I am left here crying, my head is about to explode it hurts so much, he has taken the car off me again and refuses to have the children overnight to give me a break. I cant take anymore of this

[ecclesvet]

"He has no right to swan back into your house when he feels like it"

Well, yes, he does. Which is why you need to sort things out with courts, solicitors, etc.

[dequoisagitil]

You can't rely on him to do right by you, so don't look to him to take the dc overnight or anything that will help you, love. You have to write him off.

Ask your family or your in-laws or your friends for help instead. Or spend money on a babysitter even if it's just for you to go up and get some kip. See if someone you know can help you with transport or finding a cheap runaround.

I'm so sorry, it must seem like a massive mountain to climb, especially while pregnant and him being such an evil shit, turning on you so completely . But you can get through it.

[dequoisagitil]

Perhaps a legal right, although he left of his own volition, but no moral right.

[Nomorepain]

I am getting through it but I cannot deal with the control anymore. He constantly turns things around like I'm in the wrong and I haven't even done anything. He winds me up then just walks away. I hate him. I need him out of my life but that will never happen because of the kids.

[Nomorepain]

He has no morals, no remorse and no emotion. Just very cold and heartless. Not at all the person that I married. Treats me with such disgust and makes me feel disposable. Called me nothing more than a live in nanny last time I said it wasn't fair on the kids that be turned up 2 hours late.

Really how can I stop this behaviour. I am at my absolute wits end

[dequoisagitil]

You can't stop his behaviour, but you can limit his access to you. All you can do is create distance and don't engage with him. Don't ask him for things, let the lawyers sort that.

If he rants/sneers at you, don't try to defend yourself, just walk away. You don't have to put up with verbal abuse. If he's verbally or physically aggressive, call the police.

I'd be tempted to change the locks - but certainly put bolts or a door-chain on so he can't just walk in.
Don't agree to pick-ups from your house, but have a third party do it or meet in a public place. Tell him times/days he can have access to the dc and take control back. Have someone with you if he must come to the house. Get a neighbour on side.
Have a separate phone for him, tell him you will only make arrangements through email/text - save them all.

[Fairylea]

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? Look on entitledto.com for help and advice.

What kind of equity is in the house? Would it be possible to sell and buy somewhere smaller you could afford on your own so you are not dependent on him paying the mortgage? You really need to try and get to a point where he pays you maintenance which you can use towards the mortgage but where he isn't paying the mortgage directly ie the house becomes yours and in your name. A solicitor should advise on this. This would help stop him viewing the house as his.

[Nomorepain]

Whenever I try to call the shots he turns on me. I have tried to tell him when he can/can't see the kids and he won't agree to anything or just turns up when he wants to then tells the kids that I am stopping him from seeig them. He has no moral boundaries and is unable to think of the damage that his behaviour is causing to the kids. I went through horrible break up with my parents and have tried everything to avoid it getting horrible but I just give up now. He has won.

There is some equity in house and I have negotiated increased hours at work to try and bring but more money in but childcare is so expensive that I am not going to have huge amounts.

Feels like everything is closing in on me - no relationship, no money, unhappy children, me unhappy. Don't know what I done wrong to deserve this! I don't have any family support. Have great friends but its not the same!

[Fairylea]

I would consider moving out and putting the property up for rental or asking him if he wants to live there instead and then just refuse to pay your side of the mortgage. The worst that can happen is that your credit rating goes crap and you go bankrupt. I wouldn't normally recommend doing this but if you are on a very low income and need money to help with living and the kids then you may be better on benefits (employed with tax credits or not employed and on income support etc) for a while. It would mean you would have your own space.

Are you claiming tax credits solely in your name? Are you getting help towards childcare?

I would stop asking him to help with childcare. He seems to get a kick out of feeling you need him. So don't. Frustrating I know.

If he turns up at the wrong time then get your coats on as soon as he gets in and tell him now is not convenient but xxx is an appropriate time as you suggested. And go out. Even if just to the end of the road and hide for a bit until he sods off .

I would also tell him that if he continues to behave in this way you will do him for harassment because that's what it is. This is what my ex was like. I know how you feel.

[Nomorepain]

He was due back at 6 with the kids and he hasn't shown. This is driving me crazy. What am I meant to do. Any way he can push me, he does!