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I told him it was over - he handed me a suicide note.

(104 Posts)
Kixicle Sat 17-Nov-12 12:52:38

I didn't want to say anything in front of the kids, I had been putting it off because I knew in my heart that I couldn't make it work. So he wormed it out of me by asking what was wrong and pushing even after I told him to please wait until the DC were picked up to go out.

He phoned his mum in front of me, having said he didn't want the DC to go out because he would "do something stupid" if they weren't around. His father had already left, so we did a charade while he picked them up - I guess my MIL told him when he got hte DC back to their house.

He kept saying he didn't want it to be over, and then a little while after they left he came and handed me a suicide note. I stopped him going out and managed to talk him down - he's sat in a kind of stupor in the living room now while I'm upstairs. (I can hear him every time he moves.)

I don't know what to do. I want the DC, to hold them and hug them because I still don't know what happens next. I didn't want it to be like this, and now I just feel lost and trapped here, because I can't leave him alone. I'm sure deep down he knows that. He won't talk about what we do next, won't talk at all. I'm scared to call his parents and tell them he wants to kill himself, but I have to don't I? I just want the DC to be okay and not see their father like this.

It's all gone horribly wrong and I'm just totally lost.

BerylStreep Wed 21-Nov-12 18:10:34

I would check with the police whether they did indeed give him back the note. I too would be very surprised if they did. Another lie maybe? I bet he doesn't realise you have a photo of it.

I 2nd the suggestion of printing out a hard copy (or two) of the photo.

amillionyears Wed 21-Nov-12 17:20:54

I would print out some hard copies of his note, and keep them somewhere safe.
You dont know if and when you might need them in the future.

Am surprised that the police gave his note back to him.

Kixicle Wed 21-Nov-12 16:30:50

I don't have the note any more. I gave it to the police officer and H said they gave it to him and he destroyed it. I do have a photo of it though.

BerylStreep Wed 21-Nov-12 16:22:25

Women's Aid might be able to recommend a good solicitor. They did for a family member of mine.

Yes, remember, he lies. He lied to the police and said he hadn't threatened suicide, until you showed them the note. Make sure you hold on to the note.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Wed 21-Nov-12 11:21:46

If you can stay at your dad's for the moment then do so. As to the H, don't engage. Just repeat 'The marriage is over, you will be hearing from my solicitor' and put the phone down on him. If he acts up in other ways ie turns up at your dad's and starts performing, remember he has no right of entry to your dad's house, and you can call the police to remove him.

He's a pathetic, contemptible, selfish man and you have no need to feel guilty about ending the marriage.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 21-Nov-12 11:16:30

Have been reading and now delurking to wish you all the best, he sounds as if he is living "through the looking glass", his reality isn't yours no matter how he tries to spin it and you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 21-Nov-12 11:09:26

Oh and hand the phone to the kids and when they have finished put the bloody receiver down, dont engage, and who the feck cares who is saying this that and the other, they have his word for it, and how is that worth a fcuk these days?

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 21-Nov-12 11:06:38

if that is how long it is going to take, then dig in the for the long haul, better you wait for the best advice then short term not so good.

if you can hunker down at your Dads then I suggest you do so if you cant get him out of the house. Dont let this turn in to a stale mate, this is and will play in to his hands. he is using emotional black mail of the kids, xmas the house everything inlcuding the kitchen sink.

If you fold this early then its game over, he knows you cant legally get him out of the house for now, but think on this, if you go back then it really is going to be hell on wheels, he will work on you till your head is screaming, nothing is worth that. Take the view that this is a long term plan, and needs to be done in stages, none of this is going to move fast, but its going to be a damn sight quicker if you start now, then if you went back and found your self at rock bottom in a few years time, isnt it?


Kixicle Wed 21-Nov-12 10:56:08

Okaay, and now I can't get hold of a solicitor - they're all telling me either they're not taking on clients or it will be a couple of weeks. Head going down a bit at the moment.

Time to get googling I guess.

amillionyears Wed 21-Nov-12 09:55:49

Some good posts on here.
Hope you get good advice from a solicitor today. And especially about the children and your seizures.

1 of the things I would try and especially remember about him, is that he lies.

sausagesandwich34 Wed 21-Nov-12 09:46:09

my ex has suffered from 'untreated depression' for years

when we split he offered to get treatment but we had been down that route many times over the 13 years we had been together, so why I should I believe anything would be different this time

he accused me of 'not trying' when actually I had been trying for years and was exhausted by it -conversely he has been saying he was trying for years but always put all the onus back on me to fix things -everything got turned into being my fault -I was making him depressed by doing all the housewrok/childcare/working fulll time while supporting his efforts to start his own business/doing his accounts/doing all the household accounts/looking after his mum when she was ill/and being at his beck and call in the bedroom

'untreated depression' is a great excuse for behaving like a twat

he is emotionally abusing you -I got the suicide threats, told I was depressed and unstable and he was going to take the kids away from me etc

it was all empty threats -took a while but he got fed up of living in the house before I did when he realised that I didn't care anymore and he wasn't getting into my head

don't get involved with conversations with him, carry on regardless with your life and he will get the message
it's bloody hard and if I'm honest I'm still getting over it 3 years later but it's massively better than living with it day in day out

good luck with the solicitor x

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 21-Nov-12 09:26:04

Firstly well done for making the jump xxx stand strong your doing the right thing

What he wants is for you to go home and play happy families. Hopefully the sight of skiddy pants when your doing the washing will be enough to make you realise you've made a terrible mistake.

Please don't move back until he's out, this manipulative bastard can't be trusted. Xxx

Anniegetyourgun Wed 21-Nov-12 09:03:45

Ah, I had all that too from XH, self-pity to aggression, changing from one to the other in the middle of a sentence sometimes. He's spent all your relationship learning which buttons to press to keep you in line. Now you're beginning to break away he's panicking and mashing all the buttons at once! It's weird and it makes your head spin, but it doesn't mean anything at the end of the day. Just someone who may lose his cosy situation (you think it's hellish but it's what he's used to, and he's more afraid than you of change), and is trying everything he knows to stop that happening. Try to discount pretty much everything he's saying at the moment. He may have valid worries about his future but he won't be listening at the moment to any practical suggestions you can offer, because he doesn't want to manage by himself. You, however, can't afford things to stay as they are, because it's affecting your mood and your health, and ultimately will affect your sanity. So keep strong and wear virtual earplugs.

BerylStreep Wed 21-Nov-12 08:56:19

He sounds like he's having a full on pity party. None of it's his fault then? You just fell out of love with the perfect man?

I personally wouldn't discuss it any more with him, it is just giving him an opportunity to re-write the story with you firmly in the wrong.

Whocansay Wed 21-Nov-12 08:53:17

I'd be tempted to call his bluff, if possible. Can you and the DCs stay with your dad for a period?

Make it clear to everyone, especially h, that the situation is untenable (which it is) and that you feel its unfair on the children to be around your 'suicidal' h at the moment.

If he's happy to use your seizures against you, use his emotional manipulation against him.

Of course, legally the above may be counter productive, so get legal advice first.

Kixicle Wed 21-Nov-12 08:45:10

I had a bit of a hopeless day yesterday in terms of productivity, though it was nice being with the children.

I still need to get hold of a solicitor today - I made a couple of calls yesterday but the ones I spoke to either weren't taking on clients or appointments were in a couple of weeks.

I spoke to H this morning (he says good morning and good night to the DC) and he's laying blame squarely on me for not trying, and says he doesn't want to move out straight away, and that if we can get on amiably living together (in a tiny 2 up 2 down) that would be his ideal situation in the short term. He says he has his parents in town who will support him in looking after the DC if it comes to that, and after this time away is over he doesn't want me "taking the kids away again".

He says he's down and sad and everyone he speaks to keeps asking what went wrong and how can we patch it up. He wants me to try, he wants to know what happens when he gets better and can we try again then. He says I have betrayed him and he can't stop thinking of all the times I said I loved him and wondering which was the first time I lied.

He is convinced it is inappropriate for me to have the DC by myself and asked how I have been with seizures. He says it is his home too, and he doesn't want to have to leave, that he has nowhere else to go. (He refuses to stay with his parents.) When I told him about the fact there were plenty of benefits he could claim and options he would have now we are separated, that's when he brought up the "it's my home too and I don't want to leave" thing. He kept harping on about how I had done this, how we had said we would try but had only ever talked about it, not done it.

I don't feel beaten down, not any more (though I did while we were talking which is I guess his point), but I am starting to see the fight I have ahead of me. I really really hope I can speak to someone today - I can't physically get to a solicitor so I will badly need to speak to one on the phone who can advise me.

spongebob5 Tue 20-Nov-12 13:02:25

I separated from my husband almost 2 years ago, and like you, he stayed living in the house for a good few months afterwards- as its 'our' house (joint names on mortagage). Let me be blunt, it was hell! He would shout at me every day , in front of the children. didn't seem to realise that they already had to deal with our break up (yes, I know it was my decision) as well as his OTT emotions. he'd complain he was 'depressed' and couldnt sleep, when I told him to go to the GP, he would agree but never did anything about it. He then told me he was taking sleeping tablets but they werent working- he let slip they were the type you can buy over the counter, but the fact he was drinking multiple red bull type drinks had nothing to do with this!

I'm also a psych nurse and my ex also played the suicide card, obviously I know him well, and in my fury told him I knew he never would & if he did he was extremely selfish. I would like to say before I get flamed, that my professional and personal lives are separate and I don't speak to people in my care in this way. Plenty of other posters have given you good advice about your DPs issues so I won't repeat what they've said. However, if he needs a GP appointment, he can make it himself, you shouldn't do it.

As someone who's been there, and is still there to some extent. I would stay with family/friends until you can find your own place ( your own keys!), sort out your finances/benefits and separate any other things that connect you. You can't expect to leave him & then want him to look after you during the night. Stick to your guns and look to the future, good luck! x

Jux Tue 20-Nov-12 08:30:31

Kixicle, well done. Relax with your dad, remember what it's like to be normal, get your head clear. Then you can plan what you're going to do next, and take the first steps towards acheiving it - getting legal advice etc. Regain strength and health as far as you are able, in the comfort of a loving home.

How long can you stay there?

amillionyears Tue 20-Nov-12 06:52:12

ccarpenton, you do seem to be blundering all over the place.
Can I ask that you post carefully, especially in often delicate situations.

It is also often not normal or necessary to put what may or may not be a real life name on the end of posts.

amillionyears Tue 20-Nov-12 06:49:25

So glad you are at your dads. And are receiving good, helpful advice.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 20-Nov-12 03:15:39

I'm glad you have gone to your Dad's - Dad's are good for hugs as well you know smile

Stay strong, you can do this

ccarpenton Tue 20-Nov-12 02:29:12

Sorry. My mistake. Didn't see the date on the original post.

Glad you're in a better place now.

Claire X

ccarpenton Tue 20-Nov-12 02:27:50

Definitely tell the parents. Definitely tell NHS Direct. Definitely keep the note.

This is not your problem. You don't owe him anything. This is a control tactic.

Hand the problem to someone else. They will be in a better position to act on this threats. You are not in any position to help with this current problem.

He can blame you all he likes, but your kids will only blame you if he has his little cry-for-help whilst in the house with you. You need to get him out of there. Call NHS Direct and hopefully (unless you get a moron on the end of the line) they will send someone round to take him away for observation. If he actually does attempt suicide (only enough to guilt you probably) then he'll do it somewhere else.

Even then. Stay away and keep the kids away until he quits being something distressing. "Daddy is very sick. We can't see him till the doctors say it's okay."

Kixicle Tue 20-Nov-12 01:33:54

Just to update, I am currently at my dad's house, having a few days to clear my head and call solicitors and such. I spoke to my local women's aid equivalent I guess, and they gave me lots of good advice.

It still feels kinda surreal, and I've had more tears because I will miss having someone to hug. And I know that there will be a lot more heart-wrenching to come before I'm out the other side of this, because H is really not taking it well. But I'll get there.

I couldn't quite believe what a relief it was to be here. It's like the calm after a storm. My dad is very laid back anyway, but the contrast in lifestyles is just so marked. I had forgotten how happy I was here, I think.

Jux Mon 19-Nov-12 17:56:52

I have known one person kill himself. He never said a word to anyone. When he did it, he was very thorough, too. Made absolutely sure that it was going to happen and there was no way back.

I have known, probably, about 20 people threaten it. None have actually done it. There were a few half-hearted attempts clearly designed to be easily stopped.

I tell you this, simply so you don't worry about it too much. It really is highly unlikely that he was ever serious about it, and I suspect that he would have been kept overnight at the very least at the hospital if they thought he was serious.

How was today? Hope you had fun with your friend.

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