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I told him it was over - he handed me a suicide note.

(104 Posts)
Kixicle Sat 17-Nov-12 12:52:38

I didn't want to say anything in front of the kids, I had been putting it off because I knew in my heart that I couldn't make it work. So he wormed it out of me by asking what was wrong and pushing even after I told him to please wait until the DC were picked up to go out.

He phoned his mum in front of me, having said he didn't want the DC to go out because he would "do something stupid" if they weren't around. His father had already left, so we did a charade while he picked them up - I guess my MIL told him when he got hte DC back to their house.

He kept saying he didn't want it to be over, and then a little while after they left he came and handed me a suicide note. I stopped him going out and managed to talk him down - he's sat in a kind of stupor in the living room now while I'm upstairs. (I can hear him every time he moves.)

I don't know what to do. I want the DC, to hold them and hug them because I still don't know what happens next. I didn't want it to be like this, and now I just feel lost and trapped here, because I can't leave him alone. I'm sure deep down he knows that. He won't talk about what we do next, won't talk at all. I'm scared to call his parents and tell them he wants to kill himself, but I have to don't I? I just want the DC to be okay and not see their father like this.

It's all gone horribly wrong and I'm just totally lost.

ImperialBlether Sat 17-Nov-12 12:57:31

I would call NHS Direct and ask for help. He clearly needs medical help.

Does he suffer from depression? Does he work and have friends? Is he a decent bloke or is he generally manipulative?

Why do you want to end the relationship?

BerylStreep Sat 17-Nov-12 12:58:06

So you are alone in the house with your suicidal DH who you have just split up from?

Phone 999 for an ambulance for him. He needs medical help. You need to protect yourself and get out of there in case he does anything stupid.

He might be trying to manipulate you, or he may be serious, you can work that out later. But you need to get professional help NOW.

Doha Sat 17-Nov-12 12:59:19

Phone the police, give them the suicide note..they will take this seriously and get him help. You MUST let his parents know what he is threatening
You cannot be held to ransom like this.

Bubblenut Sat 17-Nov-12 12:59:28

He handed you a suicide note? That's attention seeking and guilt tripping as it makes him a very bad person. It's most likely an empty threat - honestly, think about why he HANDED you a note.

He sounds pathetic and manipulative

Doyouthinktheysaurus Sat 17-Nov-12 13:00:53

He handed you the note to manipulate you into changing your mind and staying with youangry Don't give him the benefit of getting his own way!

He's a grown man, he is responsible for his actions, you aren't! Think about yourself and the children and do what's right for you, your DH is a prat and needs to grow up!

You aren't trapped, you rally aren't! Whatever your plans were before shouldn't change. Your 'h' needs to reflect on his own situation and get help himself if he genuinely feels suicidal, but I suspect strongly he is manipulating you to get what he wants!

Bubblenut Sat 17-Nov-12 13:01:10

Don't pander to his tantrum. By phoning places like the NHS on his behalf is giving the attention he wants. That's a stupid idea

Phone the police, hand over the note and close the door behind you as he leaves.

MrsTomHardy Sat 17-Nov-12 13:02:49

Sounds awful OP but you cannot stay with this man.

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice but I would do as others have suggested. Can't you get his parents to come and pick him up and let them deal with him and you get your dc's back??

Kixicle Sat 17-Nov-12 13:03:11

He has depression but it is untreated. That's one of the big problems, but it's also that we have grown apart. I was young when we met and have grown up a lot more, and he is controlling at times.

He has a lot of problems, but manipulates in therapy so he can be signed off the system. He said he wants to change now, that he would sort his health out, but I can't do that again. It's been 6 years of this and my heart isn't in it, and it's not fair to string him along.

I called NHS direct and they said all they could offer was advice unless he was actively harming himself. He doesn't seem to be doing that at the moment but still won't speak to me, and I don't know where to go from here. I hadn't wanted it to rush like this, i had hoped it could be more amiable with us working together.

Right now I'm just so worried about him and the DC. He walks past and shoots me evils, and when I suggested he stay at his parents so he wasn't alone he just said "it's a bit late for that".

I feel horrible.

bitsofmeworkjustfine Sat 17-Nov-12 13:03:51

Spot on bubblenut

My Dsis ex threatend to kill himself when they split, so she told the police, they went round two days later, by thier schedule not hers.

he siad to the police.... if shes that bothered about me, why did it take her two days to call you out...

the policeman said... she isnt bothered, mate!

dont get me wrong, its tough slpitting up, but at least you know there is a day when it will start to get better, when you are in a shit relationship its only ever going to be bad

MrsTomHardy Sat 17-Nov-12 13:03:59

Also wanted to add the majority of people who talk of suicide never do it!!!!

The ones who commit suicide never usually speak of it sad

TheMagicToyshop Sat 17-Nov-12 13:04:26

I actually think phoning the police, on non emergency 101 number, is a good idea. If he's serious they will help, if he's trying to manipulate you it will call his bluff. Either way it takes the responsibility off you.

Proudnscary Sat 17-Nov-12 13:05:10

Replying so that you don't feel alone but have no words of wisdom other than that from reading on here it seems surprisingly common for men to threaten suicide at this point - esp if they have abusive tendencies - in order to regain control.

And it's worked because you feel unable to leave now sad.

I am so sorry you are going through such a dreadfully sad and stressful time.

Others will come along to give you advice soon


Proudnscary Sat 17-Nov-12 13:05:32

Wow X post times a million sorry

HecatePropylaea Sat 17-Nov-12 13:06:15

He's being very manipulative.

I suggest you ignore him. Chuck the note in the bin and ignore him.

If he does anything, call for an ambulance. If he becomes dangerous, call the police.

Don't worry about him not speaking to you. That's all part of his attempt to emotionally blackmail you.

Just carry on with your day as if he isn't there.

And don't feel horrible. When someone decides to try to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you - they should lose all sympathy from you, imo!

dequoisagitil Sat 17-Nov-12 13:12:08

Call his parents and follow your original plan.

If he's manipulating you, which seems likely, he won't go through with suicide.
If he isn't manipulating you, you cannot help him, only professionals can. Tell his parents to call in the mental health professionals.

It's just putting off the final confrontation to back down now - you're not going to suddenly want to try again, are you? He's just hoping to cow you into sticking around and STFU - and that cannot last. You have to look after your dc and they don't need to see this, get them out.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Sat 17-Nov-12 13:13:54

You need to focus on yourself and your dc's, he should not be your concern.

I know it sounds harsh but he is almost certainly doing it to keep you where he wants you!

Get angry, don't let him manipulate you! Relationships end, it's a fact of life. People change, life changes, whilst its never easy to break up, sometimes it happens and he needs to accept that!

I am very angry at him on your behalf! What a twat!

RandallPinkFloyd Sat 17-Nov-12 13:15:53

What a manipulative wanker angry

Exactly the kind of stunt stbXh would pull when we first split up.

After a firm talking to on here I called his bluff. He'd disappeared telling me he was going to end it all then stopped answering his phone.

I text him and said "right, if you don't reply in the next 10 minutes I'll ring your parents and tell them you've told me you're going to kill yourself. Surprisingly he replied!.

Seriously I fell for this kind of crap for years. It took MN to make me realise just how obviously fake it is. I could kick myself for being so gullible.

Call his parents, call the police or call and ambulance. Either way absolve yourself of any responsibility.

That's the crux it really is. He's trying to manipulate you. If you take yourself out of the equation you take all that power and control away from him.

You'll be amazed how quickly he'll change track. Just be prepared though, next will come the anger for not playing his game.

You need to get him out of your house and put some distance between you.

You CAN do it, stay strong, do not waver. He'll shit his pants, I can guarantee it!

HoolioHallio Sat 17-Nov-12 13:23:16

Manipulative, abusive behaviour.

Do not let him do this to you. Ring 999 and tell them that he has threatened to commit suicide and ask for police. When they arrive, give them the note and walk away. Closing the door behind you.

GeekLove Sat 17-Nov-12 13:26:49

Those that shout the loudest about suicide don't tend to do it except by accident. I know from experience it is those you don't expect eh

GeekLove Sat 17-Nov-12 13:28:28

Stupid I phone
What I meant to say was it was those who didnt speak about suicide who did go through with it sad

AnyaKnowIt Sat 17-Nov-12 13:28:43

Agree with everyone else, he is being very manipulative.

Phone for the police saying that he has handed you a suicide note, let them take care of him.

senua Sat 17-Nov-12 13:35:21

Keep the note, or at least a copy of it, in case there is ever any dispute about who is suitable to have custody.

winterhill Sat 17-Nov-12 13:36:40

I would be concerned tbh because I know of two occasions somebody has carried out there threat.
One was in my mum's town which is miles from me and it was my mum's neighbour's son that carried out the threat.
The other was in my colleagues son when the DIL ended the relationship.

I know some are saying it is emotional blackmail and take no notice. I agree that it is emotional blackmail but I couldn't/ shrug it off that easy.

winterhill Sat 17-Nov-12 13:39:42

Keep the note, or at least a copy of it, in case there is ever any dispute about who is suitable to have custod
Senua Just because he may be mentally unstable now doesn't mean he will be in the future.

An ex DH of a colleague tried to use that against her after she had been suicidal and he tried to get full custody of the children. THe ex wife had treatment and came back stronger. The judge praised her for doing so well and repremanded the ex for trying to smear his ex wife. The ex W got full custody.

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