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Upset by what dp said but am I over reacting?

(34 Posts)
ChocolateCoins Sat 17-Nov-12 12:02:08

I have a 14 month old dd and pregnant with dc2. I'm also a SAHM.

I've been suffering from all day morning sickness, I'm really scared im going to get hyperemesis again. (extreme morning sickness, I was in hospital during last pregnancy) anyway, because of this, and the fact I have a toddler to look after, I haven't really done much housework this week. Just the essentials.

This morning, me and dp had a bit of a disagreement and it just escalated all of a sudden. He then said, I had an easy life because I don't work (Id love to know who'd pay the £700 nursery fees if I did!) and he was fed up because he had had to everything this week. He then went on to say I was lucky he didn't come home from work and beat me up because I hadn't done much housework like other men would!

I'm really upset by this. I know it sounds stupid but it scared me a little bit. I already feel quite emotional as I feel so sick and I'm worried about the future with having 2 under 2. I have no friends and all my family are hundreds of miles away. Dp doesn't help me with ddand even admits this.

Do you think I am over reacting? Is it just the pregnancy hormones making me feel like this?

FromEsme Sat 17-Nov-12 12:05:01

What the ACTUAL fuck?

Of course you're not over-reacting. He does nothing around the house, you have no support and your husband thinks you're lucky he doesn't beat you.

He sounds like an utter utter cunt.

BloominMarvellous Sat 17-Nov-12 12:06:18

I don't think your overreacting at all!!!!!!!

How was he during your first pregnancy?

I am shock at the comment about other men beating you up for not doing the housework!! I speechless to be honest!

Is he always like this or is it new?

MyLastDuchess Sat 17-Nov-12 12:08:22

That sounds like a thinly-veiled threat to me sad

When I was really ill thanks to pregnancy my DP would come home, do the child care, shopping and cooking. Same now that I am 40 weeks. When he is ill I look after him too, not make remarks about committing violence against him!!!

Haughtyculture Sat 17-Nov-12 12:09:14

Oh my word, that's just awful sad

No wonder you are a bit scared by it.

Does he make a habit of saying things like that?

ChocolateCoins Sat 17-Nov-12 12:10:15

The 'lucky not to be beaten' is the bit I'm most upset about.

He was fine during my first pregnancy although I was with my mum for most of it as I was so ill, I needed someone to look after me.

BitchyHen Sat 17-Nov-12 12:10:38

No you are not over reacting. What century is he living in if he thinks women should be grateful for not being beaten?

You are caring for a toddler and have been ill due to pregnancy. I should imagine if he is ill then he gets time off work to recover, whereas you have to carry on.

His comment really concerns me, it sounds like a thinly veiled threat. Try to get some real life support if you can - even a phone call.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 17-Nov-12 12:11:04

Hmph, he's got you where he wants you, hasn't he? Long way away from family, no friends (why?), ie nowhere to run to, and no income, so he can be as unpleasant as he likes - and you're supposed to be humbly grateful he isn't worse.

Run away, run away!

izzyizin Sat 17-Nov-12 12:11:16

He sounds unhinged odious and about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Why is he in your life?

Next time he comes out with another load of crap, tell him that if he lays a finger on you he'll find himself in jail with other unsavoury domestic violence offenders - and tell him from me that prison may be his spiritual home but he won't find it as comfortable as anything he's got on the outside.

I suggest you look into the possibility of taking yourself and dd off to stay with your family for a while and don't rush back.

ChocolateCoins Sat 17-Nov-12 12:13:15

He's mentioned dv before but never like this. His dad used to beat his mum but he never remembers this as she left when he was a baby. He always says he would kill his dad if he ever saw him which makes me wonder why he said this to me as he's so anti dv. Iykwim?

MyLastDuchess Sat 17-Nov-12 12:13:35

Yes it is an outrageous thing to say. Does he realise that it's more common for DV to begin during pregnancy?

Anyway it's against the law to hit someone, it makes no difference whether you are family or not.

I would say that most men would be disgusted by the suggestion that they would break the law and harm a loved one just because the house wasn't tidy, regardless of the reason.

izzyizin Sat 17-Nov-12 12:16:19

What is it with these lowlife creatures? They're not fit to call themselves 'men' and they're certainly not fit for polite society.

There's only one way to deal with a tosser like him and that is to adopt a policy of zero tolerance to anything he says that hints of threat and/or intimidation.

He's had his one strike - now get him the fuck out of your home or leave yourself. If he should kick off, call 999 and get the police to remove him.

Jemma1111 Sat 17-Nov-12 12:16:37

What a WANKER he is!

Only an abuser would talk like this . Seriously, I would think long and hard about staying with someone like him. His attitude will only get worse, he's trying to 'put you in your place' so you do as he wants regarding housework or whatever and he's letting you know that he's more than capable of beating you if you don't 'bow down' to him.

Don't put up with it

Haughtyculture Sat 17-Nov-12 12:17:25

Are you ok, OP? I too agree with those that say you need to get out of this relationship.

ChocolateCoins Sat 17-Nov-12 12:21:47

I have to go now as he is home but I will check back later. Thank you all for your replies.

MrRected Sat 17-Nov-12 12:22:37

I won't say that you should leave him. We don't know the full context.

I will say that I feel extraordinarily sorry for you - caring for a toddler whilst puking and feeling like death is a type of hell that only a woman who has suffered morning sickness can understand. It's debilitating and very soul destroying. I was sick with dc3 for 32 weeks and it was horrendous.

I would, pack a bag and head to family for a while for a bit of support and r&r. While you are away you can assess what you need and want.

PickledFanjoCat Sat 17-Nov-12 12:26:09

I'm shocked op. was this his idea of a joke?

It's an awful thing to say.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 12:26:33

Well my DH (a SAHD) does practically no housework. Should he be grateful I don't come home and beat him up? He's in a wheelchair - you're suffering from dreadful morning sickness. Do stay-at-home partners need a reason if they are to avoid taking a beating at the hands of their spouse?

Why doesn't he help you with your dd?

Conflugenglugen Sat 17-Nov-12 12:27:13

"He always says he would kill his dad if he ever saw him which makes me wonder why he said this to me as he's so anti dv."

Unfortunately, it doesn't tend to work this way, OP. DV begets DV, and what some adults grow up promising themselves they will never do becomes the very thing that consumes them.

I would take his threat very seriously.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Sat 17-Nov-12 12:36:46

Gosh OP, that's awful. I'm also pregnant, don't work (no children to look after either) and have done pretty much bugger all for the past 2 months. My husband works exceptionally long hours and his response to coming home to a pigsty and no dinner is 'are you ok, what do I need to do today? Make a list of other stuff and I'll do it at the weekend'.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 17-Nov-12 12:42:16

He then went on to say I was lucky he didn't come home from work and beat me up because I hadn't done much housework like other men would!

You can't stay with him - and why would you want to? His thinly veiled threats will become your reality sad

I am sure that the thought of 2 under 2 on your own is a bit scary - but he will not help, he will only make things 1000x times worse. You need to sort this now.

What is your housing situation own/rent privately/rent from HA ?

BristolBanshee Sat 17-Nov-12 12:46:23

There is little correlation, according to NSPCC, that links children of DV being perps. A person that has never experienced this can also become a violent bully. It's not an excuse.

I'm not sure, OP, how you can remain living with this guy.

Notmadeofrib Sat 17-Nov-12 12:51:05

He has a very upsetting and distorted view of life. I don't think I'd run for the hills just yet (but I'd be ready). You need to talk to him about this, it is a very threatening and frankly vile thing to say and very worrying that he believes this is how other people conduct themselves.
I hope I'm not being optimistic to believe you could discuss this with him.

Good luck.x

SamSmalaidh Sat 17-Nov-12 13:10:31

It sounds like he has you in a very vulnerable position - pregnant, ill, caring alone for a baby and responsible for all the housework - and now he's making sure you know how vulnerable you are by threatening violence sad

This is not normal behaviour. Most men in his situation would be helping their partner out with childcare and housework, not expecting her to do it all, and definitely not making threats!

I think you should take this very seriously too, and try to make yourself safe - have an escape plan, call your mum and tell her what he said, go and stay with her if you feel unsafe.

OxfordBags Sat 17-Nov-12 13:12:13

If you needed -or need - some looking after, why isn't HE doing it? If you are pg, feeling rough and looking after a boisterous toddler, why isn't he showing sympathy and cutting you some slack by helping out instead of moaning and threatening you? And why, most of all, why, is he bringing domestic violence into anything?! He sounds totally selfish, uncaring, immature, unable to deal with reality and abusive.

Even without the being beaten up comment, he sounds a total prick. Not lifting a finger to help when any normal, decent man would want to both do stuff with and for their child and give their partner a break, is disgraceful but then to moan about you not doing enough is vile.

My love, you are UNDER-reacting! Just the fact that you'd question yourself or try to excuse hormones shows he's done a real job on destroying your self-esteem.

You need to get away. Even without the abuse aspect, if you do get very sick, you need someone to help you with your DD, and it's clearly not going to be him. She can't be allowed to suffer because her father is a nasty, self-centred pig. Furthermore, you can't let her grow up in a house where men speak to women like this,otherwise it's just training her to be a future abuse victim.

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