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We can't even have a verbal row, only text!

(7 Posts)
lovemenot Sat 17-Nov-12 02:14:12

I swear the man is impossible to talk to. Any sign of criticism and off he goes on a rant. Accuses me of being hostile and angry - probably true to a degree.

Background - met 15 years ago, together 4 years, split up for 5, back together 6 years, married for 3 of those with a 13 year old dd, and he has 4 older children.

When we got married he took out a loan but he used most of it for business expenses. He then asked me to put honeymoon on my credit card and when we came back he asked me to put part of the venue bill on my card too, he told me he would repay it as soon as possible. Total of 5k. Recession hit his business hard so I kept chipping away at it but never really getting the total down and it cost me 3.5k in interest.

He is now in a better position financially but has agreed to pay for one of his sons to go back to college, this son also defaulted on a loan and fw has to repay it.

When I tell him I'm struggling with the credit card bill, he gets all defensive and rants about how much money he has to spend and why he has to sort everyone's money problems.

This morning he asked me if this son (22) could move back into our house to ease the financial pressure on fw. I say I will think about it, but I had asked this son (who lived with us for 4.5 years) to leave when he was almost 21 as his behaviour and disrespect was dreadful.

I then mention the credit card again and off he goes on another rant.

Then, by text he apologises for being aggressive. So by text, I tell him to stop. Explain what I had been trying to say that morning. Ask him if he has had a chat with his son about being accountable for defaulting on the loan. He tells me (by text from the pub) that he doesn't need a lecture and that, unlike me, he doesn't expect perfection from his kids.

I asked does he shout his son down when he needs money or is that nicety reserved for his wife. I said I was not lecturing but his inability to listen might make it feel that way to him.

I was told to find someone else rather than his son to spew my spleen on.

My last text to him was "I tried asking, you shouted. I tried again, you shouted again. Keep on shouting, I will not hear". So I was told to enjoy my anger, it obviously makes me feel better.

I am tired trying to talk to him, my feelings and opinions do not matter. He criticises my tv choices, only "chats" when he has beer on him and talks but doesn't listen, has given all discipline responsibility of our daughter to me....called me a fucking bitch when I would not let him take her out when she was grounded.

Oh, and he unilaterly ended our sex life 21 months ago, no hugs, no kisses, no cuddling.....

And yet, he is nice and funny, good to our daughter (so long as there are no discipline issues), works hard, is intelligent. Doesn't have many friends, only drinking acquaintances. Never gets rotten drunk, doesn't like to lose control.

LTB or keep trying to talk to him? Counselling is not an option as he doesn't see anything wrong about his behaviour.

NicholasTeakozy Sat 17-Nov-12 05:41:37

Fucking hell! Honestly, what nice things does this 'man' bring to the relationship? There is no talking to him, he will not change. LTB sounds like the best option. Sorry. sad

Pondlily Sat 17-Nov-12 06:09:03

Sounds to me like you can't stand him, why be with someone you clearly don't even like? Whatever the route cause of that feeling is it seems a bit irrelevant by now from what you've said.

tallwivglasses Sat 17-Nov-12 11:17:31

What is there to salvage? This man has no respect for you. I wouldn't prologue the misery. 'Spew your spleen'? Hateful.

lovemenot Sat 17-Nov-12 15:52:20

Thank you.

It's not that I don't like him, it's just that it's impossible to have a conversation with him that doesn't turn into a row. He seems to feel he is being nagged, lectured, whatever and turns into a martyr. Says he works hard to pay for the house and the bills etc, belittles my contribution.

It's just so frustrating to not have a voice. He is quite content in his world so any "issue" I might have is mine alone and he has no responsibility for it.

The son I kicked out of the house bitched about me to his older siblings, so now they don't talk to me. (Despite the fact that they know how much I looked after him for the 4.5 years previous). This led to one of his sons not inviting me to his wedding - he only invited fw and dd, and it never dawned on fw how insulting and painful that was. In fact, he intended to go to the wedding without me rather than let his son know his behaviour was out of order.

I guess that's when I finally knew he didn't have my back and I lost trust in him.

I'm heartbroken.

Pondlily Sat 17-Nov-12 17:41:03

That's horrible for you, sorry for sounding so curt before, it's easier from outside IYSWIM

Take care xx

dequoisagitil Sat 17-Nov-12 18:01:03

I don't think he has any interest in listening or talking to you.

I don't think you have a relationship to save.

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