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Calling his wife a cunt under his breath

(182 Posts)
toomanydaisies Fri 16-Nov-12 20:12:07

* [Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. Just saying...]

Please give me advice.

My friend called me in tears just now. She and her husband had had an argument - but she said it was nothing major. He went off into their bedroom and called her a cunt under his breath.

Not the first time he's done this apparently.

She told him she'd heard and he wasn't apologetic - just said he was speaking to himself.

I think this is terrible. Is it emotional abuse? I just don't know what to say to my friend...

pog100 Sat 25-Nov-17 06:49:44

6 years old ZOMBIE ffs

merville Sat 25-Nov-17 06:15:16

Whether cunt should be just another genetalia based swear word and shouldn't have particular 'power' or not .. Fact is at this time (outside of jokey interactions) .it's the worst, harshest and most derogatory word someone can call someone else. He used it for that reason. Under his breath or not, he was being as nasty, verbally aggressive and detogatory as he could be.

The poster who suggested subs he was somehow calling himself a cunt on some kind of soliloquy .. For real?

He's nasty, he's disrespectful to her, she'll only get more of it in the marriage I'd guess.?

PhukMumz Sat 25-Nov-17 05:51:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

serialcheat Sat 25-Nov-17 05:32:24

Generally, I would agree it's an insult too far. But you have to also consider the context......

If the wife took the husbands brand new Audi without his knowledge and slammed it into a wall, ( By accident ), and wrote it off......

It would be hard not to give the husband some slack.....

PugLover71 Sat 25-Nov-17 03:39:50

A lot of women don’t think twice about treating their husbands like forgetful oafs, calling them lazy, dick, asshole...
But, if a man calls us a cunt, we run crying to our friends or mothers.
I know plenty of women who don’t even bother to leave the room or try to say it under their breath. Most women are happy to treat their husbands like children in front of their friends.
Personally, I’ve never treated or spoken to my husband that way and in turn, he’s nicer to me than anyone else.
Maybe you should take a step back and try to see how you emotionally and verbally treat him that would make him feel he has the right to say that.
The woman isn’t automatically innocent in all things when it comes to relationships.

Lavenderice Sun 12-Jul-15 10:28:36

I have a particular fondness for the word cunt. I used to mutter it under my breath at my last partner, usually when he'd finish screaming at me, or gas lighting me, or when he was curled up in a ball sobbing because of something I had supposedly said or done. It was my little victory.

Anyhoo, I think if you carried out a random survey of people's opinions of the world, very few of them would say that they used it because it was abusive towards women. I just did one here in my sitting room, my DP says he's never thought of the word like that and the dog was strangely quiet, although I'm sure I just heard her mutter something under her breath as she was kicked off the sofa. Not sure if it was cunt thought.

What I do find really shocking is the abuse on this thread, people calling each other dense and 'minimisers of abuse'. Now that's rude.

TTWK Sat 11-Jul-15 18:28:22

If your DH calls you a cunt, just reply saying
"I would never call you a cunt, mainly because a cunt is useful and it occasionally brings me some pleasure, and you aren't and you don't!"

Job done.

CatMilkMan Sat 11-Jul-15 14:25:55

I'm so glad I'm not married to someone that would have such a huge issue with 1 bloody word.

alongcamespiders Wed 08-Jul-15 23:29:52

I'm also with happygirl, n fact I could have written her post word for word.

I have this discussion regularly with friends, mostly all down to earth, pragmatists who become pearl clutching ninnies at the thought of the dreaded C word.
A collection of letters meaning the same thing as twat, really, why is it treated as something with this great sinister power?
I'm sure people have mythologised it through the ages, generations of women repeating the same sentence 'I don't mind swearing but if there's one word I can't bear, it's cunt'. Cue much nodding and shaking of heads.

MamaMotherMummy Wed 08-Jul-15 23:08:27

What an idiot.

If it was my DH who did that, I'd take it as a signal that things in our relationship need seriously working on, but that wouldn't put me off staying together.

To be honest, when felt pushed into a corner (through a partner's misunderstanding of my emotional needs/struggles) I've said and done a lot worse. People almost universally get awful when pushed to their limits. If it was me in this situation I'd try to work out what corner I'd pushed him into.

When things are calm, I'd try to have a (non defensive truly trying to understand) talk with him to try and understand his experiences.

If I worked on what I could work on, communicated to him that I wouldn't accept him calling me that, and it continued for a long period of time, I'd get out. But only after working very hard on myself and what I bring to the relationship. That's not because I would have been at fault for calling me that, he would, but because I can only control me.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared Wed 08-Jul-15 22:25:41

oh bloody hell! Fucking Zombies!

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared Wed 08-Jul-15 22:23:55

wouldnt bother me, Name calling isn't the issue if its around an argument and the relationship isn't 'abusive'

DH and I are just very sweary people, so we don't get offended if we catch each other muttering things after a row when we're still worked up!

What the REAL issue is here, is that she doesn't like it and DOES get offended, if she's told him that and he continues to do it, then he is being very disrespectful!

lilacblossomtime Wed 08-Jul-15 22:16:46

Arghh zombie thread

lilacblossomtime Wed 08-Jul-15 22:13:45

I think in this case it depends how her husband sees the word. Was he intending to insult her in the vilest way he could possibly think of or does he think it is insulting but not truly degrading (as some people see it). Even if she thinks of it that way she should consider how he intended it. Obviously mutter an insult in an audible manner is pretty PA and she is right to be upset.

oabiti Wed 08-Jul-15 22:10:26

Didn't realise this was a zombie thread hmm

oabiti Wed 08-Jul-15 22:07:16

getthef#ck, Sorry if i have misinterpreted, but it seems as if one minute you say you agree with those who say as it is just a word, and in the next breath you're saying you would never use it.

oabiti Wed 08-Jul-15 22:03:10

It is an awful word. Forget this 'stop giving the word power' nonsense, don't you understand, the word itself is already powerful, no matter how you downplay it.

asdf1 Wed 08-Jul-15 21:44:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Joysmum Sun 16-Nov-14 19:54:30

My husband is a wanker, he was one today and I called him on it wink

Are either of us abusive? No! We just have arguments and disagreements.

getthefeckouttahere Sun 16-Nov-14 17:55:18

interesting discussion this.

I agree whole heartedly with those who side on the 'its just a word' argument and i believe deep down thats true.

However i would never ever (and never have) used this word in anger in any relationship i have ever been in. I would find it beyond the pale, and i would never forgive myself.

Perhaps its because i grew up in an environment of physical abuse and heard my dad scream this at my mum. It was hate filled, horrible and left a young me absolutely shell shocked.


LostPuppy Sun 16-Nov-14 17:22:55

All the time. Not ask. Stupid autocorrect.

LostPuppy Sun 16-Nov-14 17:21:52

The word means far less to men. My friends and I call each other cunts ask the time. It's a standard retort when you feel the other person said or did something stupid.

Screaming it in her face is abusive. This is just casual cunting. Google it.

Moominsarescary Mon 19-Nov-12 01:18:29

Prick and cock arnt hate words? Can't say I've ever told someone they're a prick and meant it in a nice way

Gennz Mon 19-Nov-12 00:52:35

All this thread proves is that every relationship is different, context is everything and some people are more offended by some things than others.

Yes it may very well have been abusive in the context of the fight/their relationship/their background/how offensive the wife found it – and so on. But to extrapolate from that, that “any man who calls his wife a cunt has zero respect for her” or “not much respect for women in general” is totally illogical.

DH and I sling the word around like nobody’s business. People at my work use it. I’m not offended by it. So in my life, this scenario wouldn’t be abusive. My DH is certainly no misogynist (if he was I wouldn’t have married him) – he’s a hard worker, supports me in my career, does his fair share round the house, yada yada and because he uses the word ”cunt” he has no respect for women. Come on.

HappyGirlNow Sun 18-Nov-12 20:21:28

Not respecting her (if that is the case) is not the same as being a misogynist. As I said, we'll agree to disagree..

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