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Calling his wife a cunt under his breath

(182 Posts)
toomanydaisies Fri 16-Nov-12 20:12:07

* [Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. Just saying...]

Please give me advice.

My friend called me in tears just now. She and her husband had had an argument - but she said it was nothing major. He went off into their bedroom and called her a cunt under his breath.

Not the first time he's done this apparently.

She told him she'd heard and he wasn't apologetic - just said he was speaking to himself.

I think this is terrible. Is it emotional abuse? I just don't know what to say to my friend...

OneMoreChap Sat 17-Nov-12 14:27:27

^OneMoreChap, it would be the the end if my husband ever called a me a cunt too, and that's after 30 years together, it's a truly awful thing for a man to call a woman, any man calling a woman that has absolutely no respect for her.
My husband wouldn't stand for me saying it to him either^

Cool. So if you call him that word, that's finis after 30 years. He'd walk and divorce you. Vice-versa, too.

You actually mean that?

Wow, relationship sundered on a word. That's one stable relationship.

before you start your usual "but what about the menz"

Grow some new lines, and try them on someone who either cares or is interested.

HellothisisJoanie Sat 17-Nov-12 14:29:05

oh fgs people row

hurricanewyn Sat 17-Nov-12 14:36:50

I call DH names under my breath when he annoys me - gobshite, most frequently. I probably wouldn't apologise straight away either. Don't get me wrong, once I've calmed down I would - especially if I thought I'd hurt him, but mid row isn't the right time for these kind of discussions.

I have a mouth like a sewer though.

CabbageLeaves Sat 17-Nov-12 14:42:35

Maybe if you are used to using the language, used to insulting each other and it's more normal for you OneMoreChap then it's not such a big deal.

I've never used that word. I wouldn't say fuck off to DP. We don't row. We talk. If my relationship involved him calling me a cunt it would symbolise the fact that it was over.

Yes I would leave

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 14:43:09

Do I really have to explain that it's not about a particular word, just that the words used signify such a massive lack of respect, that's what I would never be able to come back from - he has never , ever , sworn at me, not once since we met in 1980, because he respects me.

I dont actually think that you know much about stable relationships tbh, not going by some of the utter rubbish you post on these boards anyway.

If people didn't put up with being spoken to like crap, this board wouldn't be full of women asking if being called a fat, lazy cow is abusive, there is no place for abusive language in happy, healthy, respectful relationships.

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 14:45:25

I agree onemorechap , who would honestly end a marriage over one word..
No good will come of name calling.. but it's just a word!!
But I suppose once you're on that 'oh but that's the nastiest, meanest, most awful word in the whole wide world' bandwagon it's hard to get off! Such a cliche.

HellothisisJoanie Sat 17-Nov-12 14:46:55

oh ffs oyu sound so PRIM - get over it

HellothisisJoanie Sat 17-Nov-12 14:47:31

i dont swear and we rarely row. I wouldnt divorce anyone for thought crime either

HellothisisJoanie Sat 17-Nov-12 14:48:26

lol at me
i obv DO wear but not to h.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 14:48:34

Yes, such a cliche, wanting to be treated with respect by your partner. hmm
A man calling a woman a cunt is an act of abuse, always .

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 14:49:20

Oh goodness.. Ok, we'll clearly if there's a pattern of name calling and disrespect, of course leave.. But to say you'd leave after being called a bad word once ? hmm

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 14:52:46

There are a whole lot of women on this board who wish they would have left the first time they were verbally abused, instead of putting up with it/thinking they probably deserved it, for years on end.
A man who speaks to his partner like this is not a good partner and is abusive.

CabbageLeaves Sat 17-Nov-12 14:55:00

grin at OneMoreChap suggesting a woman who's been married for 30 years to a man who doesn't call her a cunt .....hasn't got a stable relationship

I am physically chuckling at that one

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 14:55:42

It may well be a red flag, but c'mon, no one in their right mind would end a long marriage just because of that one instance.. hmm

She might have called him a mealymaggot dicked peadophile first though, mighn't she?

You don't know the context of it. She might have the mouth of a sailor. She could have done or said something to really really upset him.

He muttered it under his breath, so it could have been an exclamation about the argument, or he could have been saying "obviously I'm a complete cunt" or something similar. He didn't spit it directly into her face whilst she was backed up against the wall.

He should be entitled to have some time to cool off in private too, if he is a reasonable level tempered bloke.

But she should be talking to her husband about it surely.

CabbageLeaves Sat 17-Nov-12 14:58:16

It's choice. You get what you choose. Bela doesn't get called names and has stayed.

If you're happy with name calling then you stay and presumably you also use names - which is fine because that's your normal.

It doesn't mean one relationship is better than another.

Some partners stay with others who are lazy, repressed, extravagant, wtc. It's just what you decide is acceptable to you

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 15:00:39

I would bet my house on it not being just that one instance, abusive behaviour can be very subtle in the beginning, abusive men never start by calling their partner a cunt, this is just pushing the boundaries to see if she will accept more.
I depspair for young women if they don't think that being called a cunt is much of a big deal within a relationship.

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:01:21

I don't believe even someone extremely averse to name calling would leave a long relationship after one instance of it

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:03:31

Well we can only go on what were told can't we??
And nobody is saying being called names isn't bad because it clearly is and should be strongly addressed. But cunt is no worse than many other words.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 15:03:45

OP said it wasn't the first time though. wink

JugglingWithPossibilities Sat 17-Nov-12 15:05:32

Hmm, my DH has said similar and worse quite often - sometimes in a very angry and shouty way - not good at all sad

CabbageLeaves Sat 17-Nov-12 15:05:47

Happy - no possibly I wouldn't
I was in an abusive relationship. It started like this.
You tolerate one instance
Next time... is also only one more instance

and so on

My tolerance levels are set on zero currently. I would rather be single than compromising and I know how it starts. You fail to see it until you're right in it

But that's me and I'm a fairly non confrontational, even kind of person who doesn't swear much

BelaLugosisShed Sat 17-Nov-12 15:05:50

HappyGirl - it is worse when it's man calling a woman a cunt, it's intended for one purpose only , to remind a woman of her status, just a woman, not a real person like a man .

CabbageLeaves Sat 17-Nov-12 15:08:05

What would I want for my DDs

Would I say... it's just a word. Don't make such a fuss.

Or You're worth more than that...don't accept it <---- this

HappyGirlNow Sat 17-Nov-12 15:08:41

Oops blush missed that bit! oh well that's different and really does need addressed.. But I still maintain its about name calling in general not because of that particular word..
I do award biscuitto myself though blush

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