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Anyone in a relationship with a widower?

9 replies

hurryup · 16/11/2012 15:50

I'm struggling a lot at the moment and wondered if anyone is in the same place for some hand holding?

OP posts:

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IslaValargeone · 16/11/2012 15:58

I'm not now, but was some years ago.
Will help if I can?

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HMTheQueen · 16/11/2012 16:17

I am a widow and I am with a widower. Can I help?

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hurryup · 16/11/2012 17:01

Its so dificult and I'm going to sound like a complete cow but at the start all dp did was talk about his wife, he told me everything. She'd died 2 years before from cancer. They lived in same village, kids at same schools etc. Now I've moved in to their house, with my children having split from abusive H 18 months ago. All I can do is compare myself to his late wife and our relationship to theirs. It's tearing me apart and because of what he told me, I'm never going to feel good enough. I feel like a consolation prize, and have just stepped into her life and that I can't be myself. I've so little self esteem I don't even know who I am anymore.

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IslaValargeone · 16/11/2012 17:09

Does he speak much about her now you and the kids have moved in? I would suggest that unless it is him that is doing the comparing you have no reason to feel inferior. His late wife will always have a place in his heart but that doesn't mean that you mean any less.
I would use the fact that Christmas is approaching to start some new family traditions, it is a great opportunity to stamp some of your own personality into the home.

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HMTheQueen · 16/11/2012 17:18

I know what you mean hurryup

To some extent, I'm in the same situation. I've moved in with my child into DP's family home. We have photos of his wife and my late DH up, and of course it is natural to compare yourself to her.

But you must remember that you aren't a consolation prize. He is lucky to have found love again (as are you) and it is a different love - not better, not worse - just different.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 16/11/2012 17:30

i am a widow of 19mths ( 16th april 2011) and in a new relationship and he has recently moved into my house (the one i shared with dh)

i did say to him that if too weird/hard etc then i would seriously think about selling but all is fine, but maybe it is something you can discuss with your partner - and move into a house that has no memories and is both of yours

i still talk about Mark, and have got photos up of him, and always will - Gary knows this and he is fine with this - tbh if he wasnt then he isnt the man for me - but he is the most caring, considerate, respectful, loving man i know and sometimes feel that mark sent gary to look after me

Mark will always have a huge place in my heart, but doesnt mean i dont love gary, the new man in my life - so i am sure that he he has agreed to live together that he has feelings/loves you - esp as he/you have kids - he will not just move in any woman as he has his childrens feelings to consider

i like to think of the love i have for them both as the love we have for our children - im not a mum, but those who are parents, like you and him

you love your first born so much, but when no 2 comes along, you dont love no 1 any less and you dont love no 2 any more - you love them both equally

does that make sense

tbh you do sound a little selfish (sorry) your new man will never see his wife again, she is dead and NO THREAT to you

please talk to him - he is with you as wants to be

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gobbledegook1 · 16/11/2012 17:42

I am in a similar position too. I don't live with my DP yet but feel very much the same way at times. He's told me a lot about their relationship also and I too find myself comparing and sometimes feeling like the consolation. His house has lots of photo's of them together and wedding pics etc up and at times I find myself feeling a little awkward about it. He has a memento of her tattoo'd on his chest and it just makes me feel like its constantly being shoved in my face that I'm only second best. His Mum makes comparisons between us always in the negative towards myself which doesn't really help either.

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IslaValargeone · 16/11/2012 18:15

I would like to add to those of you with a widower feeling threatened/awkward, please don't. As blondes said, she is dead, no threat.
I was child free when I moved in with my widowed man, he had 2 teenagers still at home. There were photos of his wife in the house, but I never had an issue with that, I didn't expect him to erase his past life, it was my job to help build a new one. Not one that meant more, not one that meant less, just one that was different.
I think marrying a widower can often naturally bring it's own problems, maybe resentment from friends, kids etc without creating ones that aren't even there yourselves.
If your new man starts making comparisons, then it's time to worry.

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hurryup · 16/11/2012 21:03

Gobbledygook - i feel for you, a tattoo on his chest? I'm lucky in that dp has removed all photos except one of her with children and all her things have finally gone from the house so there is little to remind me. Except the knowledge of their love affair, how he left his first wife for her, the fabulous things they did etc etc. Sometimes it feels like a word association game - I look at something or he mentions something and I'm off thinking about the two of them again and how we dont compare.