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Jealousy and insecurity regarding his ex is creeping up on me

(8 Posts)
FooThaiFighter Fri 16-Nov-12 10:40:23

Been with my boyfriend about 6 months. I was aware when we got together that he'd been married for 18 years previously and had been seperated/divorced for two years when we met.

At first it didn't bother me. Probably because I hardly knew him so my feelings for him were not that deep. But over time, it's started to grow into a bit of an issue to me. I never mention it to him, but it's starting to eat away at me a bit - the fact that the man I am falling in love with spent 19/20 of his life with another woman. They had children together, they suffered together, exchanged rings together, shared numerous homes together, holidayed together, shared a bed for years and years, knew each other inside out. She watched him climb up his career, he held her hand whilst she gave birth to his children - how can I ever compete with all of that??

I know people will say it's not a competition and there is no need for me to try and compete (and obviously my attempts would be futile anyway!) but I can't help this feeling of jealousy creeping up inside me as my feelings for him grow sad I'm not normally a jealous person. But this is making me feel awful and sick.

What's wrong with me??

izzyizin Fri 16-Nov-12 10:52:31

What were you doing during the 19/20 years he's spent with his first wife?

LemonDrizzled Fri 16-Nov-12 11:01:26

Foo your feelings are valid and you need to acknowledge them and explore them, but actually YABU! If you want a fully functioning adult male BF then he is going to have had meaningful relationships in the past. If he comes to you as a virgin without a past then he is either going to be 19 or have spent 20 years in a monastery. Surely it is better to have someone who has been in a long term committed relationship and knows how to rub along with another person sharing the bathroom and the shopping?

Does your insecurity come from trying to compete with what he had before? That is crazy because it didn't work out and he wasn't happy or he would still be with her. I think you have to think of him as a recycled husband and appreciate what you have together now as a different relationship.

Does he harp on about his Ex and their life together? or is he looking forward to a future with you? 6 months is hardly enough time to get to know each other really.

pylonic Fri 16-Nov-12 11:14:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi Fri 16-Nov-12 11:37:06

She is his ex for a reason. You have no reason to be jealous of her.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Fri 16-Nov-12 11:56:23

I know how you feel OP. Been there, done it etc etc.

I noticed a pattern with my insecurities. Usually when I was feeling crap about other things in my life. Weight gain, stalling career wise, PMT to name but a few.

One thing I have learnt, through feeling like this in previous relationships and the relationship I am in now, is not to let my relationship be the be all and end all. Divert this negative energy into other aspects of your life.

When my last relationship came to an end with my DD's dad, I was devastated but I had a job I loved, great friends and hobbies. He wasn't my whole life.

I don't want to go too much into my relationship with DP and stuff with his ex but believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
Like I said, fulfill your life in other areas.

I adore my DP. I want to marry him but if my insecurities are confirmed in the future and they ever get back together, I will be heartbroken but I know I will survive.

WakeyCakey Fri 16-Nov-12 12:59:36

I told my DP when I had a few of these feelings. he was married 10 years, one dd and one dsd with her.
He made me realise that yes they have had a marriage, but also a divorce.

I find it lovely to think that we are 4 years in. One day we will be 10 years in also. And then who knows.
What I'm trying to say is try to focus on your relationship. He has had two years to mull over what he loved about his wife and what he didn't, and that makes a huge difference to someone's feelings.

He's picked you, he obviously wants to be with you. So try to relax and see yourself as the person he has chosen after a long term relationship. He's picked someone who filled all the gaps he had in his marriage, if that makes sense.

mumsknots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:33:07

Foo, look at it this way. Me and my ex were married for the same amount of time, went through all those things together but now it's like he's a stranger.

We divorced for a reason, there was no
love anymore and our marriage was dead. We'll always have the dc that bind us together but as they get older even less so.

Everybody has a past, don't let this eat you up.

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