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What do I do now? Please , please help

(38 Posts)
eedeeot Fri 16-Nov-12 10:35:38

Please help, even if to tell me I'm not going insane.

My boyfriend and I are finally over - we have had the rockiest time. Initially when I met him he wasn't working and I later found out he'd fibbed about being on jobseekers - he was actually claiming incapacity for depression - which he did have years ago but certainly not when I met him.

Things came to a head and I felt used - he was staying at my flat all the time and not contributing - his electric was off and virgin cut off so he'd sit in all day on facebook and I started to get resentful as he wouldnt do as much as put a washing on. I eventually told him to shape up.

He managed to get a job in a call centre which he hates - I badgered and badgered him and even had to dryclean the suit and get him a belt for the interview. I sound such a resentful bitch (and I am?) but I was just so delighted at him - now he could afford to go for a few drinks with his pals and we've been able to go out together without me paying for everything.

His house was an utter state and he was more or less at mine all the time - his landlord was doing repairs and a few months back he was given a months notice to leave. He couldn't afford a new place as he's having to save up for a laptop for his daughters Christmas so I agreed to let him stay til Christmas was over with. He's offered some money for shopping but that's been it.

Since then, we've fell apart. He's been phoning in sick with hangovers and I'm terrified he'll end up doing nothing with me paying for it all again. Ive been getting him up for weekend shifts and running him in at times to save him being late.

We've had awful rows. He's also got a terrible relationship history in which he's been cheated on a lot. I thought in time with loyalty he'd learn to trust me but an old boyfriend sent a general how are you text the other night and things just blew up. It's his response to these things - he's suddenly screaming that I know his history and how dare I and I was an evil bitch and a cow.

I did though do something wrong. After he blew up at me I actually called a friend for some sanity (but i didnt tell him who I was calling - maybe deliberately as I knew he'd think the worst.) He assumed I'd phoned my ex boyfriend and when I laughed on the phone I was later accused of being flirty. I got dogs abuse - him screaming how evil I was and I was a psycho and sick in the head and I was controlling him. This was at 130am. I was begging him to be quiet but he wouldn't. We've had the police round before beacuse of the screaming from him. He'd had a bit to drink - about a bottle of wine - normal for him.

He says it's all my fault. sad

Last night I stayed out from work at a pals house and came back at 9.30 and it was more of the same, I was evil and a headfuck and gameplayer. He admitted one of the reasons he was with me was so I could pay for him to go back to Uni and now I'd messed that up for him and destroyed his life as well.

I just didnt know what to do. I told him to go but he wouldn't. Hours of it. In the end as a 36 yr old I called my mum.....my parents came.....this was after him goading me to get them. They took his keys off him and he finally left.

He stayed last night in a homeless hostel and he repeatedly texted that I'd ruined his and my life and he'd be far better off without me. Later he texted to ask me what I thought would kill him in an overdose. I've been up all night and am so stressed.

This morning he's phoned in tears and texting me begging to help him as he's nowhere to go and will die if I leave him. He has a mum but refuses to ask for help there. He's texted again saying he's sitting in the street because of me and I clearly dont care.

He's having a breakdown because of me. i just don't know what to do. I feel I ought to maybe try and help but I know I'm a mug if I do.I'm racked with guilt. The thing is I truly loved him, i felt he was so full of potential - but now I feel almost responsible. He's not been to work in 2 days and I feel he's going to be sacked.

I feel so sick.

Please, any advice.

Alwaysinlove Fri 16-Nov-12 10:43:42

I know it doesn't seem like it, but leaving him to stand on his own two feet is the best help you can give him. He can't continue to use emotional blackmail like this. I would call his mum so she's informed and leave it at that. You must realise that you are NOT responsible for the situation he is in - HE is. He has a job so he can choose to go to work and earn money. If he doesn't, that's his choice- not your doing. The pressure he is putting on you emotionally and financially is incredibly selfish. I'm sorry you're going through this.

CleopatrasAsp Fri 16-Nov-12 10:44:37

He's not having a breakdown because of you. He's a lazy arse who thought he was onto a good thing with you but he has now been rumbled and he doesn't like it. You deserve much, much better than this and I think you need to have a think about why you set your standards so low that you have been running around mothering this waste of space. Block his number on your phone and move on. Knowing his sort he'll soon find someone else to leech from but you are not responsible for him.

PerryCombover Fri 16-Nov-12 10:48:18

Agreed
He is not having a breakdown because of you.
Leave things as they are and move on

BelleDameSousMistletoe Fri 16-Nov-12 10:48:19

What do you do? You ignore his texts; you ignore his calls; and you call the police if he starts harassing you.

Then, you heave a huge sigh of relief that you have moved on from this parasite. Honestly, why would you not?

Less harshly, I'm sure it hurts like hell but he's been using you. Even his texts are all about him and his "ruined life". What about you?

Offred Fri 16-Nov-12 10:48:59

He's done a job on you hasn't he? Wow...

No, you are not responsible for any of the choices he has made for himself like being crap at going to work or drinking too much or shouting at you and threatening you.

My advice would be to send him one last text saying "This behaviour is designed to make me feel frightened and intimidated, there is a lot of help available for you but you will not get it from me and whatever you do no-one will be able to help you if you don't help yourself and you don't stop this abusive behaviour. I do not want to have any further contact with you, if you attempt to call my phone or at my home, if you text or make any further attempt to contact me yourself or through another person or means for any reason "nice" or "nasty" I will report you to the police for harassment." Then if he contacts you for any reason report him to the police.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Fri 16-Nov-12 10:49:06

He's not having a breakdown because of you. He's "having a breakdown" hmm because he's a nasty, abusive, manipulative shit who wants to make you feel bad.

You got him a job, you've subsidised him, you've let him stay at your place, you've given him lifts to work when he couldn't be arsed to get up in time, you've given him no reason to doubt your faithfulness.

What has he done? Leached money off you, screamed abuse at you, goaded you and refused to leave when you asked him (that is fucking nasty and frightening, I'd have called the police myself), not stuck to the job you helped him get, basically told you it's your fault if he kills himself (horrible, abusive thing to do). He's blaming you for his wreck of a life because he can't be arsed to take responsibility for himself.

He's done a right number on you, basically. All that "you are a headfuck, evil bitch" stuff sounds like him transferring what he is like. I mean, he's basically admitted that he partly stays with you for the money and you're supposed to be the gameplayer? confused

Block his number, change the locks, and move on.

BelleDameSousMistletoe Fri 16-Nov-12 10:49:36

And, even if he is "full of potential" it's up to him to realise it. Although, phoning in sick with hangovers doesn't really give me that impression.

Stop thinking about him and his alleged needs. Think about you and yours.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 16-Nov-12 10:53:13

What you have lived is horrible. Well done in getting your parents to help.

Focus in yourself:
1. are you safe? can he get to your flat easily? can you tell neighbours he is nit welcome?

2. Any way you could go on a break with a friend to recharge your batteries and clear your head?

Do not pick up his messages. Save his number as "delete" and just do that. Or change number if handy.

You did the right thing.

Only him can change. Protect yourself. If you feel guilty, light a candle for him or make a donation to a mental health charity.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 16-Nov-12 10:53:57

You need to cut this man off from your life completely as of now as he will just drag you down with him.

You've also enabled him for far too long as well; enabling only gives you a false sense of control and certainly does not help him face the consequences of his actions.

You cannot save or rescue anyone like this; its his life to sort out and you are not his mother. He does not want your help and never has!. Also you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him apart from you enabling him and him spending your cash. He is selfish and manipulative; playing on your pity to get you to take him back. If you take him back you will be back to square one again.

You should never have been together in the first place. He lied to you from the off. But you stayed, why?. That is one question you need to ask yourself and you need to look closely at your own role within this. You got something from this so called relationship, just what was it exactly?.

He is not your project to rescue and or save - and never was to rescue and or save; saying that he was so full of potential indeed. Full of crap more like. Love is indeed blind isn't it?. This person only loves his own self and will stop at nothing to make you feel bad as he is now doing.

Raise your own relationship bar and work on rebuilding your own self esteem and worth through counselling if necessary. Low self esteem and perhaps an inherent need within you to rescue such damaged people to begin with actually makes you a magnet for such abusive types.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 16-Nov-12 10:54:05

He's not having a breakdown, he's having a tantrum! And just like with a toddler, giving in to it is the worst thing you can do, for yourself or the child, sorry, I mean man (or do I?)

This is the original "world owes me a living" guy. Just look what you say here:

"He admitted one of the reasons he was with me was so I could pay for him to go back to Uni and now I'd messed that up for him and destroyed his life as well."

Can you see how that is all kinds of wrong? You have ruined his life by not funding his University plans. Which by the sound of it he hadn't even told you about? I mean, where do you pick up the responsibility of living another adult's life for them? This is not partnership, this is not caring for each other, supporting each other by turns. This is one grabby toddler-brained adult throwing a massive wobbly because the Bank of Girlfriend just closed, just as Bank of Mum did a few years ago. If he was going to kill himself he'd have done it, not rung you to ask how to do it (he takes so little responsibility you even have to tell him how to kill himself? How does that work?!). He is throwing a massive paddy. Maybe he does need help but you are in the very worst position to be the one to give it.

HipHopOpotomus Fri 16-Nov-12 10:54:08

Geeze you've pushed him into a corner and he has come out guns blazing, trying every trick in the book.

Sorry but he sounds like a lazy chancer, who saw you as some kind of meal ticket to fix and fund a new life and now you've wised up to who he really is, he's using every emotional blackmail tool he can think of to desperately turn things around HIS way.

it is NOT your fault. I would be putting as much distance between myself and this person as possible. You are not responsible for him. He needs to grow up too.

Keep your distance, ignore the emotional blackmail & threats he is sending you.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Fri 16-Nov-12 10:56:02

Oh yes, and never try to use your selfless loving kindness to rescue a worm man with "potential" ever again. wink You know it is silly and not good for you or you wouldn't have referred to being a mug.

Lemonylemon Fri 16-Nov-12 10:57:23

^This morning he's phoned in tears and texting me begging to help him as he's nowhere to go and will die if I leave him.^

Yawn, losers always say this. He won't die.

^He's also got a terrible relationship history in which he's been cheated on a lot.^

Now there's a thing. This is just what he's telling you. Doesn't mean it's the truth. His exes have probably got fed up with him because he just doesn't come up to the mark.

^Block his number, change the locks, and move on.^

It's your life. You only get to live it once. So live it for YOU.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 16-Nov-12 11:00:44

ps I also doubt he had a string of girlfriends who cheated on him. More likely they got wise to his leeching ways and gave him his marching orders, just as you have now done. You can bet he'll tell the next woman how you cheated on him. She'll probably believe it for a while, too; presumably he's got his act fairly well honed after this long (am presuming he's a similar age to you, mid-30s).

Oh, forgot to get all sarcastic earlier about how he can't get himself somewhere to live because he "has to" save up for a laptop for his daughter, wtf? Some strange priorities there!

AfternoonsandCoffeespoons Fri 16-Nov-12 11:06:01

Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going through this. Not because he's 'left' you, but because he was ever with you. You sound like a truely lovely caring person and he has seriously taken advantage of that. Please don't feel responsible for him any longer. He is not your child. You do not have to look after him. He's a grown man and he needs to do that for hmself. I know it hurts now, but it will get better.

badtime Fri 16-Nov-12 11:08:54

I usually hate the way people diagnose psychiatric disorders online, but when in Rome...
Does this sound like your ex-boyfriend?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/

Because that is what it sounds like to me.

Whether he does have a PD or not, your boyfriend is the one who is manipulative and a 'headfuck'. He is using your kind nature to make you feel bad so he can parasitise your life for a while longer.

Please remember that nothing he is doing is because of you. He is an adult and makes his own choices (even if he does have a PD - they are not mental illnesses). He was exploiting you, and he is now, as someone said above, throwing a tantrum because he is no longer getting his own way.

wannabestressfree Fri 16-Nov-12 11:12:51

Sadly my dad was like this. Regular threats to my mum and us about overdoses etc..........
Guess what he is still alive and living in the next town......
Please don't let him back. My mum did this on a loop for 30 years :{

izzyizin Fri 16-Nov-12 11:19:40

To reiteate the point that everyone has made he is not having a breakdown because of you.

All he's doing is throwing his toys out of the pram because you've made it clear that you'll no longer tolerate what you should have put an end to months back.

36 years old and you called your dps to relieve him of his keys to your home? <tuts> You can't afford - in any way shape or form - to let him play any part in your life now.

Tell the knobber 3 packets of paracetmol will do the job and offer to send him a 8' length of rope in case he finds any difficulty swallowing.

Offred Fri 16-Nov-12 11:24:37

Agree with Annie he will tell his next gf something like you cheated and when he caught you texting OM you threw him out and still to this day don't have the decency to come clean.

LemonDrizzled Fri 16-Nov-12 11:28:55

What do you do? You heave a sigh of relief that you have got shot of this cocklodger and plan a night out with your staunchest girlfriends to celebrate. Then you spend some time examining how you got sucked into becoming a rescuer and why YOU feel so guilty when it is HIS choices and behaviour that have resulted in this situation despite all you have done to help him.

Then recalibrate your Twat Radar by reading the Red Flag threads on here and don't rush into a new relationship!

You sound like a lovely person and you are the one with all the potential!

wannabestressfree Fri 16-Nov-12 11:31:09

Sniggers at Izzy's response.......

Lemonylemon Fri 16-Nov-12 11:34:22

Snurk at Izzy's post....

eedeeot Fri 16-Nov-12 12:23:45

Thanks to all for getting back to me. I know he is an adult - I've given in and texted him back and told him he has to ask his mum for help and do it for himself. He's called me a monster and questioned my love for him.

If it was hapening to a friend I'd be raging but I have this terrible fear something bad will happen - I know it's down to him and he is responsible for himself but at the same time the feeling in me is consuming me, he knows I'm a soft hearted person and he knows I'll be feeling guilty.

I do need to work on myself. I can't keep rescuing and mothering him, it's not the relationship I want.

Keeping busy at work at least so that's helping.

thanks x

HipHopOpotomus Fri 16-Nov-12 12:27:09

"He's called me a monster and questioned my love for him."
Classic transference of his own issues onto you!

Please don't let yourself be manipulated any further - the guy is a leech and really nasty with it.

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