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Anyone had an affair with a good outcome or is it always mayhem and destruction?(108 Posts)
Am feeling terribly confused right now. Don´t really want to go into why I´m asking this but conventional wisdom and the traditional view is that it´s the worst possible thing to "cheat" and have an affair and that it only leads to suffering, horror and pain.
Can anyone tell me otherwise? Have any of you had an affair and it´s had a happily ever after ending? Looking for experiences (good and bad) of those who´ve been there.
Any of you had an affair, enjoyed it, ended it and then carried on with their marriage without anyone finding out or slipping into an abyss of insane guilt?
All comments welcome and flame me if you like...haha...it´s all good therapy probably!
I think affairs happen for many different reasons. Some people do genuinely fall in love with other people. Some of the posters on this thread obviously did. But also it is easy to think you have fallen for the OM when, in reality, you have fallen for the excitement and the ego-boost. It could be a product of poor self-esteem or an over-inflated ego. You could think that you have 'settled' for DH, and that you need to get back some excitement in your life. You could feel that you have sacrificed your happiness for DH, the kids and the business and that you need a 'reward' for that sacrifice.
It's easy to make excuses for poor choices. But if you choose to have an affair you are making a conscious choice to deceive your DH, your DC and, ultimately, yourself.
If I could have found the words Teddy, thats what I would have said.
Thanks everyone.... Even the nasties!
I guess I just wanted to hear it to give me the strength of conviction to keep staying away from the OM. Don't forget girls, that its very easy to stone the adulterer but kindly advice is more helpful! No need for some of you to get so bitchy, ok? I was sounding out the idea to get my head around the complex emotions I'm feeling. If you haven't been in the situation it's easy to judge but I never chose to feel these things... And at least now I have FULL empathy for those who do stray -doing a bad thing doesn't make you a bad person necessarily .
I'm not having an affair and I AM going to counseling with hubby so some of you can jump down off those nice big ponies now. Thanks to all who shared honestly- you've really helped :-)
The only person being bitchy is you OP.
Did you expect a cheer squad to urge you into fucking around?
Well said Walter.Grow up OP.Have read your posts earlier this week on another thread and agree with Charbon's earlier comment that wether intentional or not the jokey and almost flippant style doesn't help, and is possibly why you are not receiving the 'kindly' advice you expect.Now you've got defensive with your comment about stoning the adulterer when from what I can see replies on here have been measured,mature and genuinely trying to help.
Hopefully a good counsellor will be able to help with your complex emotions.I daresay your husband has plenty of those too.Good luck sorting things out ,whatever outcome you decide on.And before you get defensive again for both your sakes I mean that sincerely.
So another OP who asks for advice and shared experiences, then resorts to the 'strangers on the net' shit and calls posters who tell it like it is that they are 'nasties'.
It's insulting and stupid to come on here desperate for some help then bite the hands that feed.
No-one on here has talked about the affect this could have on your children - apart from in terms of divorce/finances.
My parents both had affairs throughout their 17 year marriage. I found out from overheard phone calls, found photos, relatives gossiping, parents confiding some of the truth and me working out the truth, witnessing an inappropriate looking kiss.
It was devastating.
It affected my emotional development, my self esteem, and very very much my view of my parents.
It was frightening and depressing.
I am 42 now and I still have no respect for either of them because of this.
Thanks for that point of view, proudnscary
99% of the posters were genuinely helpful and I appreciated them telling it like it is. I didn't expect a whole bunch egging me on to do it at all! I was just surprised at the anger and emotion that seemed to come through from one or two with quite personal insults which I just thought were completely unnecessary - people who clearly needed to come on here and vent at me which I just don't see the point of. I use humour to deal with hard things in my life and also so as not to come across as whiney and desperate. Sorry if it appears inappropriate to some, but everyone is different, ok?
A friend of mine with no kids came round to visit me at lunchtime one day a couple of years ago and she had been having an affair and she was single the man married. I had been very scathing but she assured me he was lovely and his wife and him both knew it was over blah blah. I didn't believe her and I logged into MN with a namechange (she doesn't do MN) and let her ask a few questions and she got lynched and really attacked (I subsequently also got attacked as I forgot to namechange back and people spotted me and thought it was me!). She was shocked at the vitriol but I had been secretly hoping it might kick her up the bum. Now a few years on they are married one child another on the way and his wife is also re married and they all get on great!
I am having an affair and it seems to work for me. I'm in my 50's and in a marriage where there is very little sex. I met a lovely man a few years older tha me who is in a similar situation and we meet up about once amonth for shopping, gallery trips lunch and an afternoon of very excitng sex. We have become very good friends, talk about our families sometimes, but mainly more interesting stuff than that and neither of us have any intention of leaving our partners. I'm getting on much better with DH now that sex is not a contentious issue and would be very happy for this to continue exactly as it is indefinately.
My ex is married to the woman he had an affair with. I guess they would call it a good outcome.
My brother got married yesterday to a woman he had a fling with while she was married (no DC). They met 17 years ago, had a torrid fling, stopped. She stuck with her marriage for a couple of years, but realised it was dead and she loved my brother. She then divorced her husband and was single for a year or 2. Her and my brother have been together a decade and love each other very much.
My ex cheated in me with my best friend. They now hate each other, have both lost nearly all their friends and my lovely DS has to live separately from his father
I had an affair within a ltr. It ended soon and wasn't discovered but I far from for away with it. Something inside me died and I will feel guilty forever.
The man I had an affair with cheated in his next partner too - glad I was never his official partner or that would have been me. He will just carry in behaving like that anyway.
The man I cheated on is too good for me. He was then and certainly is now. He remains a close friend and every few years we talk about giving it another go but something holds me back as if there's no point because I already destroyed it.
Thanks noddyholder - it's shocked me actually. I mean I expected some disapproval and people telling me what a terrible option it can be, but I thought this was somewhere where there's a kind of sisterhood of support - I would never dream of writing insults at somebody like that! Strange really!
And thanks also, last three posters for being brave enough ;-) to give a different perspective. If there's anything I've learnt the last few months, it's that life is the opposite of black and white and I'm not referring to the 50 Shades book either! Oh sorry, shouldn't attempt humour ... Eek
"but I thought this was somewhere where there's a kind of sisterhood of support"
You expect people to support you in ruining your life, that of your partner and whoever else is involved in this mess.
What would be sisterly about that?
Um.... Did you actually read anything I wrote previously or just that one sentence out of context?
Did I say I was looking for support and the go-ahead to have an affair at any point??
It's looking like Mumsnet is a pretty hostile place. What's the deal with you lot? Why so much aggression on here? Perhaps this a place for people to come and shout at each other!
Not liking this atmosphere at all which is a shame as there are some lovely helpful people on here but not sure that the rest are a very healthy bunch of mummies all in all!
Calm down a bit, crumbs!
Thanks though, it HAS been of great help and very enlightening in a whole lot of ways.... I work in a nearly all female workplace and went to an all- girls school and have always argued with people who claim that a whole bunch of women together is conducive to bitchiness. Well, I guess I've been proven wrong
going off to find some friendly sisters
GGGB, just to let you know that Charbon and P&S are both counsellors. So I would advise you to read very closely what they write, especially Charbon who is cutting through the issues you face with a scalpel.
I suppose the hostility is because a lot of us have been absolutely shattered (no exaggeration) by affairs in our lives. I woke up to a large, thin carving knife between my shoulder blades and piercing my heart and it was plunged there by the person I thought was my friend and who I trusted most in this world. Affairs are about anger.
Also I suppose MN is trying to get you to wake up. The flirting and attraction of which you speak is an addiction. It is crack.
Also: I read a wonderful extract today, from a family lawyer saying that teenage girls are taught all sorts of things, don't walk at night, don't go near the cliff face - but they are not taught about the single most dangerous thing a girl will do, and that is how to judge the person they marry [and it followed with a list of good things to look for, and red flags to beware of].
Can I have your steady, stolid, honest, H? He sounds like a wonderful friend and life companion. How you describe him comes up in the good list...
I will swap him happily for the handsome, mysterious, brooding, hinting of troubled, intense
self-absorbed person I was stupid enough to marry.
People are extremely supportive here.
And I've seen other women post on here before and NOT met with hostility.
It's your attitude tbh more than anything else.
If you came across as a nice person you'd be treated accordingly.
As it is the snide, sneering sarcasm sets my teeth on edge.
When I was 19 I had a reasonably serious boyfriend. One day I was in the pub with a group of friends (not my bf) and talking to a really good male friend. He went off to the bar and I suddenly banged my head on the table because I had just realised how much I liked him.
That was the Minday. In the Thursday I finished with my boyfriend. On the Saturday I got together with the bloke in question. 17 months later I married him. We have now been married for over 12 years and have dd and another on the way.
Technically it wasn't an affair. Nothing happened between me and Dh before I ended it with ex-bf.
But we still paid for it. And we will always pay. Dh will always slightly doubt my fidelity. I will always worry about how ruthless he can be if he really wants something.
Last summer my best friend from Uni got married. I was bridesmaid. Dd was little bridesmaid. My parents went. Ex-bf was invited as we were all friends at university. I was glad when he couldn't go as it would have felt wrong playing "perfect wife and mother" in front of him. Even though for nearly 14 years that is exactly what I've been!
I had an affair which pushed me to end a relationship that I had to end (to be fair the affair then really happened after the ending), that ironically I hadn't ended because of a misplaced sense of responsibility.
It caused me terrible distress all the time I was in it. I cried literally every day with anxiety and guilt, it tore me apart and took me years to get over.
For me, the good thing was that it changed my whole outlook on the world, and made me realise how people make mistakes - it has given more sympathy for why people do all sorts of bad things - and also that it is better to insist you are with a man who gives you what you need in a relationship and therefore you don't get in the position where affairs happen. I am now with the love of my life and I believe I could never ever cheat on him.
For my ex, it meant he could move on from me and get his current partner.
However, after the affair the guy I was involved with got back with his wife. I still feel deeply guilty to his wife who had been with him since being a teenager and I fail to see what good could have come out of it for her. I hurt that woman and what had she done to deserve it? Normally I am a nice person and I feel so sorry that I failed so much.
I understand very personally why people have affairs to force an end to failing relationships, but if you have this clarity in advance of falling for someone it is better to act now.
If you do ever resurrect love within your marriage, but have had an affair, the affair may feel great/love etc..but..months or years later, you will question all your values and regret it, how easy it becomes to sneak, double cross etc. Unless affairs (more rarely) end in marriage, these awful feelings about yourself will catch up one day and linger. In fact, as some have said, even if it ends in marriage, it causes other insecurities and guilt. Good luck with counselling, hope it brings some chinks of light for you
Thanks to the last few posters.... This was the kind of help I was looking for, tbh. :-) I have no friends that have ever admitted to anything like this so I just wanted to hear first hand accounts of affairs, good and bad (and of course, I realise- mostly bad) the outcomes, feelings and experiences. My whole perception of life, relationships and marriage has been turned upside down recently and the fact that I even considered an affair was shocking to me. I needed to know the harsh reality to get me to think clearly about my situation. It would honestly be a last resort if all else failed but, as so many of you have said, it DOES cause so much pain for the deceived parties that it just seems to awful to contemplate really.
But we still paid for it. And we will always pay. Dh will always slightly doubt my fidelity. I will always worry about how ruthless he can be if he really wants something.
MummyToKatie, I'm sorry but this is absolutely ridiculous. Either you are being really melodramatic or you have problems in your relationship. I suspect the former. You were 19 FGS and you weren't unfaithful. Break-ups are never nice, but you did the right thing. Why on earth would your husband slightly doubt your fidelity 13.5 years later? I have no idea what "playing" the "perfect wife and mother" means, but again, it's 13.5 years later - one would hope your ex has got over it by now and be happy you and your DH were together with a family. You know, like any normal mature adult would be about a teen/early adult relationship.
My best friend's DH had an affair, but her marriage has survived and they seem stronger than ever and very much together. I think it cleared many issues and made them realise they really did love each other.
She went through hell, and isn't really over it. I try to be there for her, but there is very little a friend can do other than hand hold, and it has been hard seeing her so upset. At times I've wanted to kill him. Selfish little sh*t, who wanted it all and hurt the one person who really loved him to get it.
As for OW, well she was hurt too. He lied to her, promised marriage, the whole package. I hate her for what she did to my friend, but as a woman I have some sympathy with her. He hurt her too.
Affairs hurt so many people. There may be happy outcome for two of the three, but there will always be mayhem and destruction along the way.
If you can stop yourself, that would be the better outcome for everyone.
Name changed regular of many years.
I'm a serial adulteress I suppose. I love my DH. He loves me. We both love our children. But about 3 years ago I read about dating Internet sites for married people. One night when drunk I joined one. Free for women, ruinously expensive for men.
And within a few weeks started an affair. Then it finished. Then another. And so on. And it continues. And yes, it is selfish. I know that. I am acknowledging my selfishness by indulging it in a controlled way. I fell in love once. And yes that hurt. And a few men have (unaccountably) fallen in love with me, and been hurt. But thems the risks when you engage in this sort of thing. Participants have to bear it. And my family have never found out, to my knowledge none of my partners have been, either. I have become good at lying, and (shamefully) I rather enjoy it.
Some of you have even met me in RL. You wouldn't guess. I'm a professional, happy, straight down the middle articulate woman. I really don't think anyone knows. I really don't.
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