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Does the pain of having a toxic mother ever stop ?

(9 Posts)
PenisColada Thu 15-Nov-12 22:02:26

I am 40 and happy mostly. I have come to terms with my horrible toxic mum and my dads inability to admit it.

Today my mum pulls a toxic stunt and it hurts. I know it is her not me etc etc etc but I just wish I had a 'normal' family sometimes.

Does the pain ever stop ?

howlingcow Thu 15-Nov-12 22:20:26

Sorry for your situation PC-I can't say my relationship with my mum is that bad but I have several friends who had, as you say, toxic mothers. The real easing of the pain for them started when they finally plucked up the courage to say 'enough' and cut them out of their lives. I know this, is in some situations, must be nigh on impossible especially if your dad lives with her and you want to carry on with yours and his relationship but as far as I can see-thats the only way of stopping the pain.

Slothlorien Thu 15-Nov-12 22:24:03

Even if u do take steps to cut them from your life the pain is still there sad
It will always be there, but some times will be better than others. You must nurture relationships and habits that will keep you ok.

MrsChristmasVamos Thu 15-Nov-12 22:27:26

I don't think it ever stops but when you get to the point where you tell yourself that the behaviour from her is not important and that you will not let it overtake your life, it gets better.

You have to learn not to let it bother you. Just brush it off as 'toxic mum' and sigh, smile and carry on with your day.

I have virtually nothing to do with my parents/family. No way on earth they were going to head fuck and poison my DCs. I am much happier and settled as a result of saying to myself "Enough is enough. I am entitled to be happy and live my life, and I do have worth and value, even if others are so damaged they cannot see it".

Just because they are our parents it does not give them the right to make you feel like shit forever more.

Oh, and my Dad (who isn't but that's another story) is a weak and feeble man, who should have grown some balls years ago, and maybe things wouldn't be where they are today.

(((HUG))) It's shit, I know. But you owe it to yourself to be the happiest you can be, not just 'mostly', ifkwim ? smile

greeneyed Thu 15-Nov-12 22:37:20

You cannot change your toxic mum or the way she behaves you can only change how you respond to it, I think I will always grieve a little for the 'proper mum' I never had and can still be dealt a body blow every now and again but I am learning to just accept that's the way things are\were and not allow it to eat me up so much and be so all consuming. If you are waiting or hoping for her to change you will always be disapointed and hurt. I am probably over compensating with my own son, trying to heal my inner child, I am determined he will always feel safe and loved -

PenisColada Fri 16-Nov-12 06:49:43

Yes my dad just pretends it is not happening and refuses to discuss it. It is only or him we keep in touch. He has let his wife be rude and nasty to his family and stood by and done nothing. I will never understand that.

I have a lovely mother in law though and we get on really well.

Since I realised it was her not me I have been fine. There was a huge conspiracy of silence and I grew up thinking I was a 'problem ' and 'odd' as that is what she told me. It has really scarred me but I am fine now. My mum has some mental health problems that she refuses to admit or seek help with and that is not my fault.

Yes I do the overcompensating with the children thing too !

Abitwobblynow Fri 16-Nov-12 06:53:55

It does, but you have to go through the rage and pain and HATRED, the feelings of grief and humiliation and shame and loss etc, and it hurts and it takes a long time.

Then you get to where you can forgive them. And see them as hurting sad people as well.

Your Dad has probably learned that the confrontation isn't worth it, and also he is being a bit of a hero (misplaced): he is protecting her. And that is love. Warped but love nontheless.

QueenofWhatever Fri 16-Nov-12 17:08:06

Yes, it does go and eventually so does the lingering sadness. But I've been no contact for over 17 years now and that makes the biggest difference.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 16-Nov-12 17:11:18

It does go when you stand up to them and say enough is enough, you don't get to talk to me like that anymore. While not that toxic, my own Mother thought she could say what she liked to me and get away with it - and was supported by my father who didn't want to have to put up with the sulking if my Mother was challenged.

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