coping with a drug addict

[SammiArmani]

I dont want judged please mummies, just advice.
il start from the beginning. I met my OH (J) in 2009, he worked in my local pub, I was going through a rocky patch with my boyfriend at time (we have a 4 year old together) and I could always talk to J about it when I went to the pub, eventually me and my ex split up, and in December 09 me & J got together. the relationship progressed fast, with him moving into my mums with me & my son. Now, when I was just talking to J at the pub I had no idea whatsoever that he smoked cannabis, but when we moved in together it became clear to me he did it. At first I wasn't bothered, he worked, he was good with my son, he was a gent to me, but quickly I noticed he couldn't actually function without having a bong or a hit. At the time (very ashamed of myself) I was addicted to cocaine. It started as just a weekend thing but before long i needed a line to get out of bed, to go to college, to even just have a shower!! So him smoking cannabis didn't seem like a big deal. Anyways, we got our own house and moved out of my mams, i paid for all the bills, for all the food, for everything. He lost his job because he kicked off one night so we ended up on benefits. All his dole and some of mine went on cannabis and coke, i ended up owing Halifax £2,500. We had our Ups and downs, usually when he didn't have cannabis he'd get angry and abusive. In march 2011 I was struck down with meningitis, after a stint in hospital and being hooked up to anti-biotics, I began to value my life and I stopped cocaine. I found it hard, but id had the wakeup call I needed. In may 2011 I discovered I was pregnant with my second baby, my partner promised he'd quit smoking cannabis, which he did for a while but then he hit the drink instead, whenever he drunk he got abusive, he threatened to hit me with a baseball bat, he said I was damaged goods and nobody would want me again, he called me fat, he called me ugly, he said he hated me and the baby, he used to shout at my son for nothing, he went to hit me with a wine bottle..so when he started smoking weed again I was relieved because when he was stoned he was nice and lovely and the man I fell in love with. Nothing had changed on the money front, I still paid for the house, the bill, everything. I bought everything we needed for the new baby, he didn't spend a penny. In January this year our son was born. J promised he'd help out and start helping financially...but it didn't happen, I struggled on whilst he continued to smoke weed every day and night. He eventually tried to quit in February, he quit for a month and a half and it was the worst time ever, he was really angry, he shouted at everything, he went to hit me when I had hold of the baby, he called me a bad mum, he used to disappeared all time, he burst into tears one day (he never cries!!!!!) and said he wanted to kill himself. In the end he relapsed. and has been on it ever since. He's never contributed to the house yet, or the kids Xmas and hes never bought nappies or milk or anything. Hes made lots of promises to quit but has never actually followed through. However...its now day 4 of no cannabis and I thought he was doing ok, but tonight he's just flew of the handle and I dont think I can cope anymore. Im suffering from PND and im on meds for it and sleepers so im going through enough as it is, am I selfish for wanting to walk away now? I just cant physically or mentally cope with the stress of this :(

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not at all selfish to not want to live in an environment with someone who, if he isn't stoned or drunk, seems to be abusive, selfish, lazy, untrustworthy, uses emotional blackmail, freeloads and a lot of other nasty traits besides.

Rather than you walking, however, you should tell him to leave. I can't work out from your post whether your house is mortgaged, rented, yours or someone else's. Either way, pack his bags, bolt the door firmly behind him and don't give it a second thought. If he refuses to leave consider legal routes. If he's violent or aggressive, call the police and have him evicted.

Just as an aside. If you're depressed, then look after yourself as top priority. Get as much help as you can from friends and family as well as medical professionals. Think long and hard before you let another person into your life again. Stay clean, get yourself well, embrace your independence...

[CremeEggThief]

Do the right thing for yourself and your DC and end this relationship now. I would also advise you to contact Women's Aid, as there is violence involved and this man sounds dangerous.

[ErikNorseman]

Omg I thought you were going to try to justify staying with him! Of course you should leave this abusive, cocklodging, addicted wanker.

[izzyizin]

Next time he kicks off - which sounds as if it won't be long before he loses the plot again - simply call the police and have him removed from your home.

If nothing else, this will be a salutory lesson to him which you can reinforce by refusing to allow him into your home at any time and making arrangement for him to see his ds in the supervised environment of an accredited contact centre.

Be aware that anything less than the above places your dc and yourself at risk of physical harm from this unstable man.

[suburbophobe]

It would be easier to read if you put in paragraphs.

I smoke Maria Juana but still keep it together (LP). I have a joint at the end of the night.

Of course I'm lucky that I can buy it here next to the supermarket LOL they call it the coffeeshop

It's the way of the future (Colorado, Washington, US, Portugal, S.American. countries etc.)

There's a huge chemical industry out there to keep people popping their pills - no thanks.

Not into hard drugs at all, cocaine is one of them. You only have to look at Mexico etc. to see the damage that it does.

[FreckledLeopard]

Do you really want your children exposed to that kind of violence? Do you want them growing up to think drugs, alcohol, verbal and physical abuse are the norm? From what you've described it sounds like an episode of Shameless. Sorry to be harsh but stop justifying his behaviour, get a grip and think about your children. Get rid of your vile partner, put your children first and try and sort your life out.

[Crikeyblimey]

"Interesting" post sub - but in what way is that going to help the op??

op you really need to get him out of there. Get whatever support you can. You are most definitely NOT selfish. You will be putting your children's safety and yours first. This is vital.

Take care

[FastLoris]

I'm afraid there is really no answer but separation here. Even before reading about the violence in his withdrawal periods I could tell it was not going to work. Ex-drug addicts committed to staying that way can't live with drug addicts. They can't even socialise with them too much, really. The lifestyles and directions are just not compatible.

He sounds very disturbed. TBH I don't even think his "addiction" per se is the issue here (I know some would disagree, but cannabis is not really very physically addictive anyway). The issue is that he clearly has some serious mental health or emotional disturbance issues that he can only keep under control by self medication.

If he was willing to see someone about those and work on them, and made progress to the point where he could function as a considerate, responsible adult without being stoned, then maybe you could have a future together. But that's a massive IF, and I wouldn't be on it, personally. Even if he can get as far as admitting the problem and seeking help, it's a long hard road from there.

You need to separate from him now and bring up your child in a healthy and safe environment, and then if those things work out you can think again. But don't hold your breath.

There's also the fact that pragmatically, you need to consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who provides no financial help and is a net financial drain, without contributing in any other way for it. You already have one baby.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I don't really know what to say except : you already know that leaving this man is the right thing to do.

I know people who smoke cannabis,though it's never interested me personally. Sure they might be a bit short tempered if they haven't had any for a bit,but in the same way a coffee lover can be short tempered if they don't have their morning coffee. They don't behave like your OH.

You should be really proud of yourself that you overcame your drug problems. Really OP you should. And if you leave this man,which I truly hope you do,you will look back with relief and pride that you made that decision.

Honestly,the man is an abuser. You and your children will be so much better off without him. Safer. You will all be safer.

Wish you all the best.