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Serious MIL issue...wants to buy one child but not the other for Xmas!!(58 Posts)
I'll try to be brief...my partner and I seperated for 3m earlier this year after an array of issues. After a lot of soul searching and discussion my partner asked to try again - I said yes for a number of reasons and overall things are going well, slow and steady steps. However, my MIL is refusing to acknowledge his decision to return and is saying that me and my other daughter (aged 10, from a previous relationship) are not welcome in her home (she blames me for our split, we both 'wronged' one another in different ways) on halloween my partner took both girls to see her and she ignored my eldest daughter and FIL asked eldest to move out of the way so he could take a picture of our little one!! When they got back, my partner told me what had happened and was shocked and embarrassed by his parent's behaviour. He said that he would speak to them and felt like he was in 'the middle' which I can understand as I was furious - I'd of gone to see her about it but I wouldn't give her anything to twist or manipulate against me.
However, when he went round she had company and he decided it was inappropriate to bring it up at that point. Anyway...today she has text asking what our youngest would like for Christmas and he has replied 'are you buying for ...' to which she text back 'why?' he then said 'they are both my children, if you don't buy for one then don't buy for the other' to which she replied that she is NOT buying presents for me or my eldest child. I am livid - I am not concerned about actually recieving gifts but its the insinuation that you can treat two sisters differently because one is not her son's is shocking. I can't help but feel she has targeted eldest to get a rise out of me. I have never argued with this woman and when we split literally didn't go anywhere in our local area as I just wanted to deal with the situation in the most dignified manner - access and matenence were both dealt with swifty and as amicably as possible.
What do I do?? Advice please!!
My MIL was (is) exactly like this. She and her daughters all assumed that any time H didnt ask "How high?" when they said "jump", it was because of me. Quite insulting when you think about it, as it implies that he is so stupid that you have to do his thinking for him and he is happy to let you!
Things got so bad that they refused to attend our wedding and since then he has not spoken to them. They didnt want him to marry me so I think that they thought he would call the wedding off if they refused to go, thats how self important they are! They have fallen out with so many people over the years, one sister even stopped speaking to her uncle because he joked "Dont call me Uncle, you make me sound old!" at a party. She started screaming and shouting (not drunk!) that it proved that he didnt want to be related to her . She is an out and out bitch, she has set herself up as the Alpha female, the matriarch and didnt like me coming along at all!.
But as H says, it isnt me that they have a problem with, its his wife. It wouldnt matter who he'd married, they would hate her. He is the only male in that family, his dad left when he was a child and died 15 years ago, so he has been put upon and bullied by them his whole life. When he met me and my family he realised that he didnt have to put up with it and started saying "no" sometimes, and thats when they all went bat shit. They simply cannot accept that anyone would want to do things other than what they want.
No loss, our life has been so much easier and quieter since, and H has been so much happier since he cut them out too.
Bertram Absolutely. Any child who is involved in anyway with my family will always be treated fairly in my house.
DB and SIL split a few years ago. SIL had DD from previous relationship. DB brought her up from age 3. They then had a DS. DB is an arse & now they have split has nothing to do with the daughter. We don't see her or SIL as we live a few hundred miles away but I will ALWAYS send a present for her at Christmas & birthday. They are siblings and as far as I am concerned frm age 3 she has been my niece.
I would expect ex-SIL to have an issue if I only bought my nephew - and quote rightly! Stick to your guns!
It will also backfire on the family. They are sisters after all I rembrr my ds realising he had been given more money than his brothers and then swift dividing it all equally with his brothers. He was about 6
I like Ledkr's approach.
The alternative is, if asked what youngest would like, to ask for one of those charity donations in lieu of a gift. We are the proud owners of a pot bellied pig running around Guatamala or somewhere. Send a cow
They're going to look a bit daft by trying to make a point by saying 'look RubyTuesday & eldest DD, we have excluded you because we bought a goat only on youngest DD's behalf and not yours, so nerr!'
I also think you need to try to put a light-hearted gloss on things (even if you are seething inside). Along the lines of 'don't worry DDs, we all know grandma is as mad as a box of frogs' followed by a tinkly laugh.
2rebecca what a ridiculous thing to say. What about the child they share? Should she not get a present because she is illegitimate?
It's bloody rude to buy for one sibling and not another and plain nasty behaviour towards a child IMO.
I wouldn't buy for a friends child and not the others it would just be bad manners even if this woman feels the child is nothing to do with her then she should still buy a gift out of goodwill and kindness.
I would leave your DP to do what he thinks is best. His instincts seem to be in the right place. He can decide what access arrangements are reasonable at the moment, it doesn't have to be up to you.
Just to add that my ex's family acknowledge that they are sisters.
Thanks to everyone for their posts and advice.
@2rebecca - the fact we are not married is irrelevant nor have we had an on/off relationship. We split for 3m after 4.5 yrs together mainly because of uneven distribution of childcare/chores and finances (with me as the majority shareholder!) as I've said previously its not about the gift, it's the principle and the refusal to acknowledge that we are back together (happily since Aug) and the attempts to isolate a child.
I would ignore the stroppy tests. I certainly wouldn't send my husband round to have an argument with his parents. She makes a stupid sarky remark by text it gets ignored and you don't contact her at all. If she gets in proper contact in person then your partner tells her he doesn't reply to nasty text messages and that if she wants to see her grandaughter then she has to start being a more pleasant person.
If youaren't married then she isn't really your MIL and as her son is not the father of your eldest child she isn't that child's grandmother so it's not surprising that she just buys presents for her grandchildren. Your eldest child should get things from her father's parents..
My dad just buys something token for my (now adult) step kids and did so when they were younger. My stepkids have 2 sets of grandparents of their own. My inlaws do buy my kids presents although my ex's parents would rather they didn't buy them anything as they feel my inlaws are taking over a grandparenting role that isn't theirs.
You can't win.
Accept that as you aren't married your partner's parents don't regard you as part of their family, probably not helped by you and youir boyfriend having an on off relationship, and that your daughter has 2 sets of grandparents but they are different to your other daughter's grandparents.
His parents do sound as though they were nasty to your elder daughter and that would make me avoid them, they can still be nice to her even though she isn't their grand daughter.
I had 2 dc when I married my ex and they were ignored by his grandparents and got less from his parents than our ds did. I once sent a thank you card to the gp from ALL the dc. When asked about it I told them that I always buy something and wrap it from them so they don't feel left out. They were like this
Utter bitch sorry.
Every year I buy two extra presents for my exh children he had with ow after leaving us. They are children and also my dc s half siblings. I have no concept of leaving a child out what a nasty bitter woman she must be.
Accept nothing and please protect dd 1 from this horrible deed
Ignore as Beryl says above.
But I would go further and stop their txts. Or ask DP to either stop reading their txts or to stop telling you what they say. Sounds like a concerted effort by MIL to bring SILs on board. What a malicious bunch. And tell DP you don't want to know what spiteful comment she has made when he visits (unless it is directly effecting DD2).
What MIL is trying to do is punish you for having a relationship with DP, and as long as you are being distressed and angered by her behaviour she is succeeding.
And we can't have that malicious old witch winning
It would be good if you could move away then cut contact. But that is possibly not feasible.
I would explain, in terms they would understnad,to DDs what is going on so that they know it is MIL and not them that's a problem and that you're sorry but there's not much you can do etc.
Sounds good that DP is limiting contact for DD2 and that you will chuck any presents not sent to both DDs. If you keep this up she will eventually back down unless she wants to risk having no contact with DP and DD2 in the future.
How do I go about it? Do I tell them that effectively I'm denying access or leave them to figure it out for themselves? I was thinking what if OH took youngest round for an hour a week? But then I think what right does she have? And it would be condoning her behaviour! It was in no way a coincidence that my SIL's got in touch - they're far too calculating for that and trying to prove a point.
Id avoid the old sow and refuse to let either girl see her at all
I suppose it's possible this was just a coincidence rather than a concerted attack by your in-laws, but either way you need to shut them out. Your DP has made his feelings clear by text, it is now up to them what they choose to do about this.
I am trying desperately to ignore them but today both of my SIL's got in touch with OH to see what they can get the youngest, he tried to ring them but they didn't answer so he promptly text back 'if your not buying for one then don't bother for the other, I might not be eldest's father but I've been like her dad for 5yrs' they haven't even bothered to reply back!!
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
She wants a reaction.
Get D to tell her that unless she treats both DC equally, any pressie from her will be unopened and sent to charity.
Then ignore some more.
" Ifeel awful putting him in the middle"
You are not putting him in the middle. She is. Without her behaviour, 'middle' would not exist.
You think that she would realise this, but she wont. Even today I got home and was cooking dinner and my OH told me that she'd text again saying 'when does the youngest get home from boarding school?' I can't work out if she's saying this because youngest is in full time childcare as we both work full time or because she is insinuating that she hasn't saw her for a while - since Halloween. I was furious and insisted that he go and speak to her immediately as the more she goes unchallenged the worse she is getting. He went but she was out, I feel awful putting him in the middle but I'm insistent that he goes tomorrow. I can literally feel my blood boiling!!
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