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Serious MIL issue...wants to buy one child but not the other for Xmas!!

(58 Posts)
RubyTuesday123 Thu 15-Nov-12 12:49:39

I'll try to be partner and I seperated for 3m earlier this year after an array of issues. After a lot of soul searching and discussion my partner asked to try again - I said yes for a number of reasons and overall things are going well, slow and steady steps. However, my MIL is refusing to acknowledge his decision to return and is saying that me and my other daughter (aged 10, from a previous relationship) are not welcome in her home (she blames me for our split, we both 'wronged' one another in different ways) on halloween my partner took both girls to see her and she ignored my eldest daughter and FIL asked eldest to move out of the way so he could take a picture of our little one!! When they got back, my partner told me what had happened and was shocked and embarrassed by his parent's behaviour. He said that he would speak to them and felt like he was in 'the middle' which I can understand as I was furious - I'd of gone to see her about it but I wouldn't give her anything to twist or manipulate against me.

However, when he went round she had company and he decided it was inappropriate to bring it up at that point. she has text asking what our youngest would like for Christmas and he has replied 'are you buying for ...' to which she text back 'why?' he then said 'they are both my children, if you don't buy for one then don't buy for the other' to which she replied that she is NOT buying presents for me or my eldest child. I am livid - I am not concerned about actually recieving gifts but its the insinuation that you can treat two sisters differently because one is not her son's is shocking. I can't help but feel she has targeted eldest to get a rise out of me. I have never argued with this woman and when we split literally didn't go anywhere in our local area as I just wanted to deal with the situation in the most dignified manner - access and matenence were both dealt with swifty and as amicably as possible.

What do I do?? Advice please!!

BerylStreep Sat 17-Nov-12 17:49:24

I like Ledkr's approach.

The alternative is, if asked what youngest would like, to ask for one of those charity donations in lieu of a gift. We are the proud owners of a pot bellied pig running around Guatamala or somewhere. Send a cow

They're going to look a bit daft by trying to make a point by saying 'look RubyTuesday & eldest DD, we have excluded you because we bought a goat only on youngest DD's behalf and not yours, so nerr!'

I also think you need to try to put a light-hearted gloss on things (even if you are seething inside). Along the lines of 'don't worry DDs, we all know grandma is as mad as a box of frogs' followed by a tinkly laugh.

tribpot Sat 17-Nov-12 17:58:35

A goat would be inspired.

ledkr Sat 17-Nov-12 18:00:31

It will also backfire on the family. They are sisters after all I rembrr my ds realising he had been given more money than his brothers and then swift dividing it all equally with his brothers. He was about 6

ProphetOfDoom Sat 17-Nov-12 18:08:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertramBertram Sat 17-Nov-12 20:33:13

DB and SIL split a few years ago. SIL had DD from previous relationship. DB brought her up from age 3. They then had a DS. DB is an arse & now they have split has nothing to do with the daughter. We don't see her or SIL as we live a few hundred miles away but I will ALWAYS send a present for her at Christmas & birthday. They are siblings and as far as I am concerned frm age 3 she has been my niece.

I would expect ex-SIL to have an issue if I only bought my nephew - and quote rightly! Stick to your guns!

BertramBertram Sat 17-Nov-12 20:34:20

Quote?? Quite (bloody auto correct)

ledkr Sat 17-Nov-12 20:54:34

Bertram Absolutely. Any child who is involved in anyway with my family will always be treated fairly in my house.

Bogeyface Sat 17-Nov-12 20:55:42

My MIL was (is) exactly like this. She and her daughters all assumed that any time H didnt ask "How high?" when they said "jump", it was because of me. Quite insulting when you think about it, as it implies that he is so stupid that you have to do his thinking for him and he is happy to let you!

Things got so bad that they refused to attend our wedding and since then he has not spoken to them. They didnt want him to marry me so I think that they thought he would call the wedding off if they refused to go, thats how self important they are! They have fallen out with so many people over the years, one sister even stopped speaking to her uncle because he joked "Dont call me Uncle, you make me sound old!" at a party. She started screaming and shouting (not drunk!) that it proved that he didnt want to be related to her hmm. She is an out and out bitch, she has set herself up as the Alpha female, the matriarch and didnt like me coming along at all!.

But as H says, it isnt me that they have a problem with, its his wife. It wouldnt matter who he'd married, they would hate her. He is the only male in that family, his dad left when he was a child and died 15 years ago, so he has been put upon and bullied by them his whole life. When he met me and my family he realised that he didnt have to put up with it and started saying "no" sometimes, and thats when they all went bat shit. They simply cannot accept that anyone would want to do things other than what they want.

No loss, our life has been so much easier and quieter since, and H has been so much happier since he cut them out too.

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