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sexless marriage or split

(23 Posts)
kboo2211 Thu 15-Nov-12 12:25:51

I've been married for 11 years i'm 30 n got 3 kids.
I've been very unhappy in my marriage for quite some time. Me and my husband split for about 2 years and got back together about 3 year ago. At first it was great then it just went back to how it was before. We never go out or do anything together, he sits in one room on a night i sit in another, there's no affection (cuddling, hand holding etc) and we've had sex once in the last year.

We just don't get on anymore no sex no affection, no how was your day what you been up to etc(from him), he leaves the house in a morning for work with not so much as a goodbye, I'm bored, fed up and above all lonely I can't live like this anymore its making me ill, I just feel sad all the time.
I'm only 30 and feel like life is passing me by. I've spoke to him about it and he feels the same. We have 3 kids who are my world and don't want them upset by us splitting up.
I've tried talking to my mum about it and she said we can't split up its not fair on the kids and not tell her about my problems as he can't handle the stress.
I've spoke to a close friend and her advice is to just have sex with him but I can't bring myself to them feeling towards him just aren't there anymore

Charbon Thu 15-Nov-12 12:33:46

I'm guessing your mum and your friend aren't feminists then? smile

There really are no prizes for staying in a relationship that is extinct. It's also extremely unfair on children to give them this model of an adult relationship.

You say you're both feeling the same way, so it's decision time. You can part amicably and sort out a fair and equitable co-parenting regime. That leaves you both free to be on your own and decide what you want from life, or meet someone new if that's what you both decide.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 12:36:14

How upset do you think your children are seeing Mum and Dad unhappily sitting in different rooms, never showing affection etc? How upset do you think they are seeing their mother sick and father miserable, not getting on, bored, fed up and lonely? Having grown up with parents who don't sound dissimilar to you (and constantly snipe into the bargain) I have to tell you it's very upsetting indeed for a child.... especially when you get older, meet other people's parents and realise yours are abnormal.

Your mum isn't wasting her life married to your DH but, if you've grown up believing women have to 'put up and shut up', that'll be part of why you're tolerating the intolerable. Your friend is no use either... There's a name for feeling coerced into sex against your will and it ain't pretty.

Some people get along far better and are better parents apart than they are together. 30 is far too young to write youself off....

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 12:44:45

Did you split the first time around for similar reasons?

Smugfearnleyshittingstool Thu 15-Nov-12 12:58:12

I was in your situation. Same children, age and reason! we split almost a year ago, and are very amicable about co- parenting. I have a new dp and it is amazing to be in an intimate, loving and friendly relationship. The children feel the difference and are happy with our decision. I will never regret not hanging on until they were grown up, despite my head saying that was the best thing for them. One life and no medal given at the end for living in a loveless marriage. I've never been happier.

kboo2211 Thu 15-Nov-12 13:04:11

Thank you all for replying, yes we split last time for similar reasons.
I naively thought it would be better this time round or rather hoped it would. Like I say it was great at first but we have ended up like this again.
I know it is not fair on my children seeing us both unhappy.
My mum is not very supportive at all she says I'm selfish even thinking about splitting up. I guess it is decision time.

kboo2211 Thu 15-Nov-12 13:14:15

Sorry to hear you was in the same situation but glad you are happy now.
I don't see things getting any better between us and am starting to feel if we carry on living like this we will end up hating each other and splitting very badly, which obviously I don't want.
He knows how I feel lonely, fed up etc and that its like he's just a housemate, but he hasn't done anything.
Its just so hard to sit down and have that talk.

Ilovechorizo Thu 15-Nov-12 13:35:46

hi there poster..I know it may be difficult, but you really need to sit him down and let him know just how serious the situation is.

Mintberry Thu 15-Nov-12 13:53:01

Maybe it's somewhat of a vicious cycle? One person doesn't make an effort for the other because they don't see the other as appealing because no special effort is made and vice versa, so there's no incentive for either partner to make the first move in trying to be more affectionate?
Your relationship does sound near breaking point from what you said. Maybe one last push in which both of you commit to genuinely trying to build up affection for the other? It's worth a try rather than just cutting ties and putting your kids through a separation.
Though I agree with above posts that seeing a loveless relationship between parents can be bad for kids and shape the way they see adult relationships, especially when you contrast that with kids who have ended up as part of loving blended families after a parents split, so it's not always as black and white as divorced = bad, married = good.

VoiceofUnreason Thu 15-Nov-12 14:04:33

You both feel the same. Therefore an amicable split seems both sensible, advisable and perfectly achievable.

kboo2211 Thu 15-Nov-12 14:47:41

I think we really do need to sit down and decide what we are going to do.
I think i'm hanging on to something that isn't there, he makes no effort and is now apparently looking for somewhere else to live

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 15-Nov-12 15:51:50

I think both of you have already decided and, quite honestly, I would help him look for that somewhere else. However you still need to talk and it's going to be about the practicalities of the split i.e. finances & looking after the children. If you can deal with that maturely and fairly, that's about as good as it gets. Your Mum will just have to suck it up....

OneMoreChap Thu 15-Nov-12 17:40:19

Neither of you are happy; split, the kids will be happier for it.

OpheliaPayneAgain Thu 15-Nov-12 17:45:07

Have you both changed so much in 10 years that it is irrepairable?

What has caused it? Not enough couple time? The inability to communicate?

You seem to be able to talk, even if your relationship is just jogging along. Most relationships lose 'the magic' now and again, question is: do both of you want to rediscover it? Having young children is a drain, both emotionally and financially, things do get better as they get older and more self sufficient.

is there really no way forward?

kboo2211 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:05:37

Thanks for all your advice and replies.
I think we have both changed massively since we got together I was only 18 now i'm 30. I think not enough time together not communicating has contributed to the situation. But mainly I think we've just grown up and grown apart the only thing we have in common is the children and without them feel we wouldn't have lasted half this long.
If i'm totally honest I want to rediscover it so the children don't have to go through us splitting up but I honestly cannot see my ever being sexual or anything like that with him again. Them feelings have just died.
My children are all quite young and are all in bed for 8 ocolck every night he then moves into another room and hardly communicates with my all night.

RubyTuesday123 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:12:41

Sad as it is, I think sometimes we just outgrow each other. If you both feel the same could it be as amicable as possible? Surely, it would be better for your kids to see you as an empowered woman living her life than someone stuck in a rut?

Good Luck x

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 09:59:30

Cut your losses. A lot of people who get together too young find they have nothing in common by the time they reach 30 and end up splitting up. There's even a term for it... 'starter marriages'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 10:09:07

Typically a Starter Marriage lasts under five years and there are no children..... you broke up in year six, I calculate.... but I think you'll find some of the points in the attached article ring a bell with you.

kboo2211 Fri 16-Nov-12 14:05:14

Thank you for your advice I've read the article Starter marriage and although it is interesting and some things do ring true I think the term starter marriage is more for couples without children. I have been with my husband since I was 18 and am now 30 its sad to say but I think we have just grown apart.
I have told him how I feel and I am apparently selfish sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 14:07:10

You're selfish... but sitting in a separate room all night isn't? You said this is making you ill. Think you know what to do next. Sad but necessary.

BG71 Fri 16-Nov-12 14:48:30

I am in exactly the same situation which has been deteriorating for years. My DH has refused to live in a sexless marriage with me as he still wants/loves me and has decided to move out tomorrow as he cant handle being around me on a loveless/sexless basis :-( Have to tell our two lovely boys on Sunday :-(

I keep trying to remind myself that its been deteriorating for years and that this has to be the right course of action, but God its so difficult, especially when he is shaking and crying and I know its ripping him apart to leave

I feel sick at the thought of the weekend :-(

Hope you come to a decision - stay strong xx

kboo2211 Fri 16-Nov-12 15:01:06

Its a horrible situation to be in and so confusing as to what to do for the best sorry to hear your in the same position.
Cogito- your right and it is making me ill, deep down I know what to do next but its so hard

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 16-Nov-12 17:56:08

life is too short to be unhappy, plus you are young and in time could meet someone else

better to have 2 single happy parents, then 2 together unhappy ones

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