My mum and I have a weird relationship: it's all great if I dance to her tune, as I did throughout my childhood/adolescence (inc supporting her through a really destructive awful divorce from DF). As I grew up and met DP (now DH), I realised that I wanted my own life, and I pulled away, and moved away.
All was good. I moved country but visited her maybe twice a year and spoke v briefly maybe every 7-10 days. I expected little or nothing from her, and that's exactly what I got.
She's never been supportive of me (or my siblings, to be fair), and is selfish, self absorbed and only interested in herself and her life eg my wedding was actually HER day. Really?!- I thought it was about me and DH getting married (and our families being involved, of course. But not just about her!). For a long time I put her attitude down to the hard time she had with my dad (the subject of a whole other thread). But that's now over 20 years ago, and rather than continuing to rant about him, maybe she should just have some counselling? Radical idea. Hmm.
Anyhow, I was trying to change our relationship- put in place boundaries, but also make space for her to have a relationship with me and my DC. I had DD in 2008 and had PND which I didn't' feel I could tell DM about - she's a gossip, and judgmental and I couldn't cope with her. I had DS last year and had PND again. This time I told her, only to be told bf 'causes' PND (no, she has no medical background) and that she had PND with each of her DC. Riiiiight- first time I've heard of that in over 35 years.... And after about 3 weeks, she said I seemed much better, so she felt she didn't need to ask how I was anymore (even though I told her that when we speak on phone when my DC are with me, of course I have a bright manner- I don't want to upset them!).
We went to my home town in July for her 65th, and I specifically arranged 2 things for us to do with her, as she's often saying how much she misses me and DC. She bailed on the first (a trip to the park), as her hair might get messed up in the wind, and the 2nd (tea at hers), she read the paper and watched the TV rather than interact with DC (or me).
About a month ago, I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. She wanted to come over the day I got out of hospital, but I said I just wanted to be home with DH and DC. A week later, after DH had gone back to work (he works away) I rang her in tears, saying that I was finding things hard, and asked her to come over. She said she'd check dates and would speak to me a couple of days later. Nothing. So about a week later, I asked again, and gave particular dates that worked for me.
After about a week of faffing around, she said she might not be able to come over. I clearly, calmly (but nicely) told her that I got that she had a lot on her plate (she doesn't really, but I was being nice), but that I was really struggling post ec preg, and that I could really do with a hand, even for a day or two.
She called yesterday saying that she's not coming. Because she wants to go to a golf lunch w DstepF. I knew this was going to happen. And to be honest, I'm not surprised, but I'm amazed by how hurt I am.
I just need to get over my expectations of being mothered by my mum, don't I?
If you've got this far, thanks for bearing with me- I didn't mean to go on so much!
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Relationships
My mum has let me down. Again. (sorry, long)
Apparentlychilled · 15/11/2012 10:48
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