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Any positive stories of bringing things back from rock bottom?

(33 Posts)
AboutToSelfDestruct Thu 15-Nov-12 10:03:18

I am in a mess right now. Been posting on other threads so won't go into all the details, but its been so clear that there are so many stories of sadness here, and even those with a happy ending seem to be where the marriage has ended and new lives built back up. Is there anyone who has positive experiences of bringing things back and building a wonderful life together after being at rock bottom?

On Monday I was going to leave, after years of lonliness and unhappiness and confusion. DH and I have talked and cried non stop since and this seems to have been a massive wake up call for him and the way he is talking seems really genuine and hopeful for change. I'm now confused. Seeing a counsellor this afternoon. The pain and hurt over the past few days is so palpable in the air at home and is really affecting the DC's. I just want it to stop.

I just really want to knowif there can ever be a way forward and a way of fixing things and being truly happy after one of you has totally given up?

AnyFucker Thu 15-Nov-12 18:39:55

Forgive me for such a straight-to-the-point opinion, but really, I could not be arsed with this

Going round and round in circles for what ?

It's not working. Move on.

AboutToSelfDestruct Thu 15-Nov-12 18:56:05

Garlic, thats a lovely positive story, thank you.

I think i am dithering because this change of character in DH had begun before I got to this point but I had just had enough by then and just felt like I couldn't be bothered any more. The kick up the arse that he's now had may well be what is needed for change to happen, and unless I test the water so to speak then I can't be sure that I won't have any regrets. It certainly would be last chance though.

The last counselling we had involved a lot of one to one for me and you are spot on ; For example, the OP as a young woman might have been attracted to men who were 'challenges' and who were emotionally unavailable. That pattern might have been repeated with the OM in some way. It's very insightful to work out where that motivation came from and why, to stop that pattern repeating in the future. This was a massive factor for me and I think i have been really upset to realise the infuence that this was when I chose him. Now I am free of that its like I want to start again and 'choose' free of those constraints. But at the moment its just not that simple.

If DH's reaction had been as I was expecting then I most definately would have been off. But I've changed a lot in the last year so maybe be can too? Or maybe I'm just exhausted and haven't the stregth right now to take the action I had wanted to take. This is where I really hope the counsellor can help.

startlife Thu 15-Nov-12 18:56:19

Kethryveris , your post spoke to me. How do you get back the trust which I think is at the heart of the OP's question. If you have felt neglected, unloved and supportive how do you believe it will change?

Charbon, I agree it's important to understand the motivations for our actions. My H is a' lovely' man BUT when we have stressful times or I have needs he reverts to his childhood patterns which are highly destructive. No way is this visible in a new relationship as it's life events that trigger his negative behaviours.

OP, I'm in a similar position - we are in the cycle where my H is 'trying' but I don't feel he has fixed the underlying triggers, I'm looking for an lightbulb moment which he hasn't had. Listen hard to your H, what is he saying, does he talk about you or is his response fear based. i.e Dont leave.

Have you both agreed firm actions that will change the situation. "If you always do what you always did; you'll always get what you always got."

AutumnGlory Thu 15-Nov-12 19:11:04

Starlife, my husband behaves similar to yours. To the point that when we are having a stressful phase or any issues I feel I'm dealing with a teenage son rather than a husband. Telling him this doesn't help, he doesn't understand. He thinks it is because I'm 4 years older and have more relationship experiences than him...well maybe it is true, but whilst he doesn't have such a strong 'past' like I do, I wish he really had formed serious relationships with women before me, so he could compare and realise that some things aren't accessible in relationships no matter which woman you are with. This morning we had an argument because of things that happened yesterday and exactly one year ago we were having exactly the same kind of problems and arguing for the same things. I feel we are going in circles, I know he has been trying but not hard enough. We never been to counselling tough. We have a conversation scheduled for tomorrow and I don't know what is gonna happen.

Charbon Thu 15-Nov-12 19:11:11

Has the pattern repeated with the OM though? Is he in a relationship himself?

That was why I was asking what you meant when you said he was also in a vulnerable place.

AboutToSelfDestruct Fri 16-Nov-12 23:16:59

Charbon, no, nothing like the pattern with OM in fact totally different. The attraction on an emotional level for me, is the balance in our emotional connection. From counselling I now very much understand my attraction to emotionally unavailable men in the past and this is another reason why I am now not prepared to live my life like this. I don't want to talk too much about why OM is vulnerable, but he is getting over a recently ended relationship and he has very little support in life so my friendship and support could have been felt as something more important to him than it would do if he was feeling stronger. Hope that makes sense!

Startlife, I am trying to figure out if his response is genuine or fear based and I think only counselling and time will tell. We have definately had the lightbulb moment though but I am not letting my hopes build. All I know is that if the change in DH really is what he feels it is, then if I give up now without having one last try at making things work, I will almost certainly regret it in the future. But this is definately the last chance. I really can't go back to such a lonely place ever again.

Charbon Sat 17-Nov-12 00:39:14

Yes that makes perfect sense, although if I were your counsellor I might observe that someone who's getting over loss and is vulnerable might also be emotionally unavailable.....

I think if things are going to work with your husband, it's impossible to do so while you're emotionally in two camps and so if there's a security blanket of the OM nobly stepping aside but also 'waiting' for you, the marriage failing might become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I think if you are also holding secrets about the OM and your feelings for him, you won't be able to rebuild a marriage when there are lies between you. If you're committed to working on this and giving it 100% effort, I think it's got to start with honesty.

Be careful too that this exercise in 'trying' isn't something you're doing just to convince yourself that you gave it your all. There are all sorts of ways that you can sabotage this and kid yourself afterwards that the sabotage didn't happen. I'm hoping the counselling will help you with this, so that you don't subconsciously set the marriage up to fail. Good luck.

AboutToSelfDestruct Sun 18-Nov-12 00:00:49

Thank you Charbon. Good advce. OM isn't waiting for me in any romantic sense, as he freely admits he's not in a place to make that sort of decision right now. He would just like for us to be able to be a part of each others lives if that is at all possible, for lots of reasons. Although its not something that I can even think about unless DH and I are rock solid, and I know that will take time so who knows.
To be honset, I feel so utterly in pieces right now that I haven't got any emotional strength left. I just want us to all be in a better place and am hoping that that is where the counselling will help guide us. Will definately be aware of the concept of subconciously setting us up to fail. I don't think I'm there right now but good to bear it in mind.

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