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Introducing a new partner to my 15 year old DS(13 Posts)
I seem to be going from one extreme to another. Having slated dating websites for being full of men with expectations that they are going to meet a wonderful slim attractive woman 10 years younger than them - here I am asking if I should introduce someone I have met through a website to my son.
He is the same age as me (51) a single dad of 4 teenage boys, three of whom (17 and twins of 16) are still at home. He works in social care and seems really special. We have only met up three times but it is really difficult with us both having kids. I only have the one son of 15. He talking about possibly popping over Sunday and I don't know whether to arrange for my son to be elsewhere ie with friends, or just let the introductions happen casually. What has onyone elses experiences been?
Three times is still very soon. I would be cautious. But he sounds lovely and I do hope it becomes something truly special....
Hey Punkatheart - great to hear from you. I was concerned that it may be a bit too early too but wondered if, given DS's age, he wouldn't see this guy as too much of a threat, especially as he is a dad
<<waves to Punk>>
After only having met up 3 times to date, what you've got is a potential new partner who may not last the distance.
You know your ds better than others but IMO any introduction at this early stage is best conducted off the premises, so to speak, as teenage boys and putative swains can be exceedingly territorial.
If you can't arrange a casual type meet up, perhaps with one or more of his dc to kick a ball around a park or similar, maybe he can call on you 'in passing' purely as a bluff and hearty friend and on the understanding that indulging in sheeps' eyes is to be strictly avoided.
If he's got diy skills he can pose as a mate who's 'come to fix the whatsit' because at this premature stage it's enough for the two males in your life to do little more than clock each others' faces rather than having to make enforced conversation over tea and cake.
When he was 'talking about popping over Sunday' did he also talk about you popping over to his one Sunday?
I wouldn't. You hardly know him. Plus 15 is such a tricky age. Could cause all sorts of upset.
Get to know him more first. Get to know whether you do really like him - or just the good side visage that we all present to new partners at the beginning of a relationship. Shame the visage always has to slip, but it does, and you need to find out what's underneath before risking your son getting involved imho.
Far too early IMO.
Personally, I would take more time getting to know him - I think also get to know his friends too as that will help you get a better picture of the kind of bloke he is.
A big red flag here for me would be if he doesn't have any friends.
Interesting comment Stopthepigeon. Why do you say that?
Thanks guys. Instinct was right. Keep the two men in my life appart for a bit longer I think. I have already been to his house, we met there before going out and I said Hi to one of his DSs. He's half Italian and exceptionally open, but you are right. There's still a lot I don't know.
I disagree with the general advice here. A 15yo is not some small child that doesn't understand about adult relationships. He must know you've been dating - I assume you talk about where you go in the evenings or whatever - so why not do him the courtesy of having a mature chat about your new friend and see how he reacts? He may surprise you.
I wish I could have a man to fix my whatsit. It's been a while.
Rather strange thing to say about his friends, Stop. Nothing has given the indication that he is strange, a loner, a pervert (if that's what you are implying)
Did you say half Italian? Then meet his family!
But have fun, Poppy. Take it easy, enjoy and your child will see you happy, notice the changes and eventually want to meet the man who creates this magic.
*waves back to Izzy.
I simply think that by meeting a new partners friends this enables you to get to learn more about said new bloke - the same applies either way I think.
I not implying anything suggesting this blokes character may be odd at all - surely this is the fun of learning about someone new.
However - yes to be perfectly frank if said bloke had no friends whatsoever I would find myself wondering why not.
Poppy - I would say it depends on your relationship with your DS, and as Cogito says, how much he knows.
I met a lovely woman on line, have been seeing her for about 4 weeks and met her two teenage boys about 2 weeks ago. But they were keen for her to meet someone and knew she was on line. It was no major event, I went there on a sunday and they appeared because they were curious, and it was all just fine.
I think it also changes after the first time you do this; this is my second time - the first time my own kids were very reluctant to meet, and this time they vary from fine to positively interested.
the answer is one only you can know for sure .
ask yourself a couple questions to help make your decision .
is this man the kind of person , whether you are dating him or not , that you want to have around your son ? what is your sons relationship with his you and with his dad ? have you , or your ex had a relationship with anyone else that your son knows about ? do you want to hide from your son the fact that you are dating and there will be men in your life .
my own opinion is if the answer to the first question is no then he is not good enough for you . if it is yes then him being around your son would not be the problem , your sons reaction to you dating would be . if either you or your ex have had a relationship your son knew about he understands that both of you are going to have relationships . last but not least , honesty is the best policy . be honest with your son , tell him that you are dating and will continue to date , do not be ashamed , or apologetic about dating .
you are his mom , i am quite sure that you would never let anyone in your home , or around your son unless you felt like you could trust that person . your son is 15 . he does not need the same protection from you he did when he was 10 . he is more than capable of understanding that you and his dad are not together and that you do not intend on being alone the rest of your life .
whether a guy is just a friend , someone you just started dating , or someone you are getting serious with , as long you believe that the man is someone that is good enough to be in your sons life , you should never hesitate to have him around your son . all of us , not only your son , need to have as many good people in our life as we can .
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