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please reassure me

(28 Posts)
connacht Wed 14-Nov-12 20:23:35

can you please reassure me I have done the right thing. I have left my partner of 3 years (we live together and im now staying with a friend) as I can no longer live with his inertia and unreliability. To give you the salient points, i met him after he left his wife of 18 years, his business was suffering in the downturn and failed approximately 2 years ago.

since then he has worked, low paying jobs and not always telling DHSS about them, but he has gotten by with help from me. i have steadily become more disillusioned with him as he appears to constantly have big plans but nothing ever comes of them. He has yet to pull together a CV (all jobs to now have been through friends/family members), he didnt pay a penny towards his child for over a year until his ex threatened to report him to CSA, he now pays about £60 per week.

I have gotten used in our relationship to paying for most things or at least half - he rarely treats me and has to be pushed to proceed with his divorce, get bills paid on time etc etc.

At present he owes me upward of £500 which he gets angry if I pressure him to pay back (he prefers to pay what he can afford when he can afford it rather than a set amount each week), but what has really forced me to tell him to get lost is that he used his half of the rent money to pay personal bills, ie telephone and car insurance with the result that our rent is now 1 week late. I dont fear being evicted as the landlord is a really nice person.

what im actually distraught about is that he chose to pay private bills for himself before he would ensure that our home where my 2 children and I live with him and his son visits at the weekend was safe and paid for. He didnt even tell me the rent was late until Monday of this week - was due to be paid last Friday - and he told me it would be paid by the latest today. When I contacte dhim yesterday he told me it would be paid on Friday!!

I feel so let down and used. When I think back he was always short of cash and I always helped him. I thought he was depressed because of his business etc and have allowed him to take advantage of me.

I am now starting to doubt myself though and wonder if I am as nagging and sour faced as he tells me I am, constantly criticising him etc etc. I just want not to have to push this man to do anything. He is 10 years older than me yet I feel I am the one with all the responsibilty. please help.

connacht Sat 17-Nov-12 08:22:10

Can i have practical ideas on how to handle this. I need to work out if he is keeping the house or if I will - I dont want to have direct communication with him - i honestly feel so weak and drained from it all. I think im losing it as Im now running through scenarios in my head (where he is once again blaming me and everything/one around him for the situation - as he has done so many times previously) and im there trying to justify/explain myself to him, trying to get him to understand that he is wrong.

do you think he knows he is wrong deep down - or even not deep down but just wont admit it?

I cannot actually face him - Im ashamed to say that, Im a grown woman with a family and a job and I cannot face my exdp or the end of the relationship for that matter. What sort of a mother am I that I would move my children in with this man?

I need to get some things from the house - I dont want him to be there when Im doing it - I feel I am vulnerable and he will try to manipulate me with words when Im not up to dealing with him.

Should I write to him and tell him to write back - is that totally childish? sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 17-Nov-12 10:26:09

Do you have someone you could go to your house with and act as moral support? It would make it a lot more difficult for you to be manipulated. FWIW, don't write back. Write down what you want to say, call him and then stick to the script. Once you've said what you want to say, just put the phone down... make it a one-sided rather than two-sided conversation and he won't have the opportunity to blame etc. Above all please realise that, even though you've made a mistake trusting or loving this man, that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. Con-artists, users and freeloaders are very good at what they do... if you don't have that gene yourself, it's easy to take them on face value.

You will not make him see he is wrong so save your breath.

connacht Sat 17-Nov-12 10:55:47

cogito im pm'g you

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