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Can you end a marriage and still live together?

(11 Posts)
desperatelyunhappy2012 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:42:26

Regular but name changed for this.

DH and I separated 18 months ago for a short time. Got back together again as we both felt we did love each other and it was a mistake.

18 months on, things have got steadily worse. We never have sex (DH stays up gaming and one of the children usually comes into bed with me) and we argue in front of the children. I don't want to stay in this relationship both for their sakes and for mine.

Please help, I have no-one to turn to.

wellcoveredsparerib Wed 14-Nov-12 19:47:10

I dont understand why you want to continue living together if the relationship has What difference would divorce make to your life?

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 14-Nov-12 19:48:14

Not sure what you mean as being the proposed arrangement. Do you mean house-share/platonic friends/co parents type arrangement?

wellcoveredsparerib Wed 14-Nov-12 19:48:23

Oops "if your relationship has failed" I meant to say..

desperatelyunhappy2012 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:54:18

parsley I don't really know what I mean. I suppose I am hoping that if I say it is over then miraculously we will stop being bitter towards each other.

well it's for the children - the separation hit them really hard and I don't want to put them through that again.

wellcoveredsparerib Wed 14-Nov-12 20:02:23

It doesnt sound like a workable plan to me. I cant see what positive difference it would make to how you relate to each other on a day to day basis. You need to look to how you both can try and improve your relationship or separate properly.

Lovingfreedom Wed 14-Nov-12 20:15:06

My experience with my own separation is that the kids are hit hard initially but get used to it quite quickly if they understand that that's the way it is now. My kids, at least, don't really like change or uncertainty. But they adapt quickly and have slotted into a new set up actually pretty well and they accept and like it now.

I'm in a different position now to you because i definitely wouldn't want to get back with my ex. But, as well as any personal preference, I'd be very reluctant now to 'undo' what I've been explaining to the kids all year, by getting back with their father.

You won't miraculously stop being bitter if you split up, especially if you carry on living together. If you stop living together, you also might continue being bitter towards each other, but at least you have plenty of time apart and more practical ways of containing the bitterness (i.e. in emails etc).

So, if you do love each other and both want to make it work, perhaps you are going through a bad patch that you want to try to mend, then sort out some counselling. Get him to cut down on gaming, carve out some time for the two of you to be a couple together and get the kids sleeping in their own beds. See if making changes like that helps.

If you've tried all that kind of thing and have had enough of living together and you're finding that it's making you (and perhaps him) miserable, then you're right, time to move out of the relationship. But if you're making this decision try to stick with it...both for your sake, and that of the kids. What's happened so far is understandable, but the kids will feel more secure if they know what is happening, rather than chopping and changing the arrangement because their parents can't make up their minds what they're doing.

desperatelyunhappy2012 Wed 14-Nov-12 21:37:54

Thank you so much for your advice...really thought I would be told to get out and move on.

We have been together nearly 14 years and yes, we do still love each other but atm can't seem to get past the arguments (which are nearly all about the way we bring up the children).

We're going out this weekend to a comedy night with friends - hopefully that will give me a chance to say to him about the gaming in a non-confrontational setting.

Thank you thanks

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 14-Nov-12 21:42:39

Desp I think when you get divorced, more bitterness creeps in IME. Maybe this is just a way of not acknowledging in your head that this might be the answer? Relate?

stoney1215 Sun 18-Nov-12 06:53:29

the separation may have been hard on your children , but do you really think that is better for them to grow up hearing their parents arguing all the time ? do you think it is better for them to see their parents dating other people while still living together ?

it is always hard on kids when their parents separate . it is much worse for kids to grow up seeing and hearing their parents fighting with each other than it is for them to have parents that are separated . usually kids are much , much more resilient than their parents are . your kids will get used to you guys being separated . all kids really want is their parents to love them .

middleager Tue 20-Nov-12 21:27:50

Hi

I have recently posted a long post about a sexless marriage. My husband has said he will leave, and has spoken to his parents about staying at theirs, although this has only happened in the last few days, and I have no idea of the timescacles.

Now that we have made the decision I am finding it torture, because this is a limbo. It is a surreal situation where we have finally called time but are living together in a polite bubble where nothing is being discussed, yet we know where this is going.

However, I am only half myself in the relationship and I'm not sure the kids have ever seen DH and me laughing or being affectionate together. Yet I am full of life with others. I feel that they will see the real me when we split (although I still can't envisage him packing and going and pray that i don't back out) and the real him. Because we make each other miserable.

But, OP, you say you still love each other. Is there hope? I feel there is none for me, which makes the decision a little more bearable.

I hope whatever you decide that it works out for you. It's never easy with kids and I have agonised about this for years. Good luck x

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