Hi everyone, I've been searching the internet for ages for the right forum and i'm still not sure but going to give this one a go. Here is my background: when I was 6 my dad died and my mum died when I was 11, so its fair to say i didn't have they easiest of childhoods. As a coping mechanism, a lot of my past is a black 'blur' and I struggle to remember things. I moved in with my elderly auntie and uncle who brought me up and as much as possible i had a stable life from then on- i worked hard at school, got decent grades and went to uni even though i didn't want to. I graduated last year, and unsure what to do afterwards, applied for a pgce in maths (i wasn't sure but I had to do something and it was what my family wanted). I got on the course and started it in September, still feeling unsure, thinking that it was meant to be and that i'd be okay. How wrong i was. Because of my memory lapses, i have a lot of maths to learn and its bringing back painful memories for me. I saw a counsellor briefly before starting and we established that change is something that causes me anxiety and i dont cope well with. Well this course is all change, new places and new things all the time, and i feel SO overwhelmed. I have no confidence at all with any of it and cant see how it is going to improve.
Now here is the other issue :(
About 5 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. My initial thought was that i wanted to get rid of it. It definitely wasn't planned, timing couldn't be much worse and me and my boyfriend had said if it happened to us that's what we would do. but of course when i said that i never thought it would happen to me!! I hoped he would change his mind, but he didn't, so I was booked in for an abortion (November 6th). We both cried all morning and I couldn't focus and get myself ready, my boyfriend dressed me and got me ready i was just led on the floor upset. I spent several hours at the hospital crying and I wasn't 100% sure and after what was a horrible experience, I changed the appointment. There was only one available date (next Tuesday) which is exactly 12 weeks, the last time they will do it for me. The issue is that 1: i still don't want an abortion, but my family, my boyfriend and his mum don't wouldn't be happy and 2: I'm in placement in schools and im worried about the physical and mental repercussions of this :(.
my bf admitted that he was having feelings towards the baby that he was fighting with but still felt the same about getting rid of it. I've been trying (and failing) to sort my head out but to no avail- i wanted to see a counsellor but as im in schools its not possible as they work weekdays (normal hours). About 18 months ago (we have been together 1 year) my bf attempted suicide after a break up. He was depressed for a while and told no one. He has now told me that if i continue with the pregnancy, while he will support me he thinks he might end up back down that road. I'm torn because i love him and don't want that, but i feel like that could be me if i go through with this. It seems i can be happy and no one else, or everyone else but not me and that hurts. i don't know what to do and could really do with some advice/ support! :( I've lost all interest in anything including my PGCE work which I was hating anyway
thanks
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Relationships
Feel like I'm going to have a breakdown
nemogirl1 · 14/11/2012 19:39
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