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Feel like I'm going to have a breakdown

(41 Posts)
nemogirl1 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:39:51

Hi everyone, I've been searching the internet for ages for the right forum and i'm still not sure but going to give this one a go. Here is my background: when I was 6 my dad died and my mum died when I was 11, so its fair to say i didn't have they easiest of childhoods. As a coping mechanism, a lot of my past is a black 'blur' and I struggle to remember things. I moved in with my elderly auntie and uncle who brought me up and as much as possible i had a stable life from then on- i worked hard at school, got decent grades and went to uni even though i didn't want to. I graduated last year, and unsure what to do afterwards, applied for a pgce in maths (i wasn't sure but I had to do something and it was what my family wanted). I got on the course and started it in September, still feeling unsure, thinking that it was meant to be and that i'd be okay. How wrong i was. Because of my memory lapses, i have a lot of maths to learn and its bringing back painful memories for me. I saw a counsellor briefly before starting and we established that change is something that causes me anxiety and i dont cope well with. Well this course is all change, new places and new things all the time, and i feel SO overwhelmed. I have no confidence at all with any of it and cant see how it is going to improve.

Now here is the other issue sad
About 5 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. My initial thought was that i wanted to get rid of it. It definitely wasn't planned, timing couldn't be much worse and me and my boyfriend had said if it happened to us that's what we would do. but of course when i said that i never thought it would happen to me!! I hoped he would change his mind, but he didn't, so I was booked in for an abortion (November 6th). We both cried all morning and I couldn't focus and get myself ready, my boyfriend dressed me and got me ready i was just led on the floor upset. I spent several hours at the hospital crying and I wasn't 100% sure and after what was a horrible experience, I changed the appointment. There was only one available date (next Tuesday) which is exactly 12 weeks, the last time they will do it for me. The issue is that 1: i still don't want an abortion, but my family, my boyfriend and his mum don't wouldn't be happy and 2: I'm in placement in schools and im worried about the physical and mental repercussions of this sad.

my bf admitted that he was having feelings towards the baby that he was fighting with but still felt the same about getting rid of it. I've been trying (and failing) to sort my head out but to no avail- i wanted to see a counsellor but as im in schools its not possible as they work weekdays (normal hours). About 18 months ago (we have been together 1 year) my bf attempted suicide after a break up. He was depressed for a while and told no one. He has now told me that if i continue with the pregnancy, while he will support me he thinks he might end up back down that road. I'm torn because i love him and don't want that, but i feel like that could be me if i go through with this. It seems i can be happy and no one else, or everyone else but not me and that hurts. i don't know what to do and could really do with some advice/ support! sad I've lost all interest in anything including my PGCE work which I was hating anyway


Moosylorris Tue 20-Nov-12 19:32:11

My 16 yr old niece recently dropped that bombshell I'm not going to say it went down well because initially it didn't but people soon get used to the idea, when I had my last baby my then partner and I weren't even living in the same country as each other, barely even on speaking terms actually I had just lost my job and was in a two bed flat with my two daughters needless to say no one thought it was ideal timing or circumstances to be adding to the brood!! However babies are very good at bringing people together and as your going to be a parent your first job is standing up for him/her that kinda starts now however they react you've just gotta take it on the chin but I wouldn't wait too long or they will know you've been keeping it from them, this won't go down well!! Once you know baby is well as healthy you need to get them on board when you do tell them explain you know it's not ideal but what's done is done and you would appreciate support through this make sure you have words with your bf too prior to this and tell him he has to back you all the way especially in front of family!!! My little surprise has just turned three life is much more settled now and we are all very happy as no doubt you and your family will be too smile

nemogirl1 Tue 20-Nov-12 17:54:00

Thank you all. I'm feeling really overwhelmed and scared right now, whilst im happy I have made the right decision I'm terrified about what our families will think. We both agreed we didn't want to tell our families yet- but I don't know how long it'll be before I start to show! I've already put on a fair amount of weight (not sure where as can't see it!) and I haven't had any sickness just nausea from being hungry alllllllllll the time! Im a 14/16 so i suppose my natural 'muffin top' will hide it for a bit :/ is there anyone else out there who had parents/ family who had a bad reaction and how did it turn out? sad I want to start feeling happier but with this burden on my shoulders I can't still! xx

Moosylorris Tue 20-Nov-12 10:42:04

Blimey I don't know about anyone else but Nemo your last message sparked the water works!! So happy for you xxx

takeitaway Tue 20-Nov-12 10:13:52

Hi nemo, so glad you've talked it through and made the decision that feels right for you - it must be a big weight off your mind. smile

Hope that both your families come to see this as a positive thing for you too.

I still think it's important that you spend some time away from your partner and his mum, though - whether it's seeing more of your family or making more of an effort with friends. You're a young girl and don't have to be doing housework or sat watching TV with his mum - enjoy yourself, enjoy your pregnancy!

best wishes

seaofyou Tue 20-Nov-12 09:16:29

{{{{{{nemo}}}}} <--- hugs

You have done what is best for you good girl and refusing to back down to your DP who is trying to manipulate you.

I suggest you start a new thread with title something like 'dp said he'd commit suicide if I don't abort' this gives MNs a clue about what is involved in thread as so many posts!

Ah welcome aboard the MN trainsmile

Personally I knew you wanted to keep your baby all along!


nemogirl1 Tue 20-Nov-12 07:43:23

Hi all,
I'm okay. Me and my boyfriend spoke yesterday and I told him how upset I was that he said he might kill himself and that he could walk away if he wants but I cant go through with it so looks like we are having a baby! Got to tell our families though which is the thing that scares me the most xx

seaofyou Mon 19-Nov-12 15:21:07

Hey Nemo

Just checking in to see how you are?

It is A day tomorrow and wondered if you been to counselling to help you decide if you aborting for you or your DP and DP Mother?

Please speak to your aunty too Nemo she may have some wise words too

Please do this for YOU no one else...good luck wth YOUR decision...we are here for you what ever the outcome!

minmooch Sat 17-Nov-12 17:13:37

Hi Nemo

Unfortunately our problems just don't go away - I wish it were that easy.

I think you need to seperate your decisions about your course from your decisions about keeping the baby.

You need to make some changes in order to make yourself happy. Why are you driving your bf to rugby? You need time to think things through by yourself (as he seems too immature) and for yourself (as he seems too immature).

If you keep the baby and he wants to be a part of it then the pair of you need to be independent from his mum.

If you decide to keep the baby and he does not want to be a part of it then you will need to be independent from them both.

If under pressure from your DP and/or his mum you decide to go ahead with an abortion I think that you will not feel the same way about either of them and you will need to be independent from them.

Try to only think about what you want - don't live your life for other people - live it how you want it to be.

nemogirl1 Sat 17-Nov-12 15:33:24

I have told them, I can only go on interruption at Easter if I keep it around the time I'd go on maternity leave if I was working. If I thought I was able to complete it and that's what happens, that is fine but I don't feel like that at all! :-( I'm not tough enough yet and kids will see through me and take advantage! I live with him and his mum atm and I do all mine and his washing, cook every night nearly and clean and I get fed up with it I wouldn't mind if it was my own home but it's not! I hate not being able to feel happy because I'm usually a nice happy person! Just want it to be Xmas and not to have these problems!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 17-Nov-12 12:25:52

Don't they think having a baby is grounds for pausing your training? confused Or didn't you tell them about that bit?

I'm with Garlic's comment of a couple of days ago on this, I must say. The boyfriend is far too immature to be married and has far too many of his own issues going on. You'd end up being his therapist and third parent. You have to make your mind up on the basis of what is good for you, and actually, what is good for the baby too - which isn't necessarily being born (though I admit I'd err on the side of keeping it in most situations, but that's my choice).

nemogirl1 Sat 17-Nov-12 12:11:41

Hi everyone
I was told 12 weeks is the last date possible (Devon) so it may be a regional policy :-(. I'm having to drive my boyfriend to rugby but I might go for a walk or something instead of watching try to clear my head, I was going to stay at home but didn't want to be sat with his mum. Thinking of driving to bristol tomorrow, visit my mum and dad's grave it might help I don't know. I'm okay but still not really switched on and have lost all motivation! Got through the format week of my 2 weeks introduction to school, 1 to go. I've been told I probably wouldn't have grounds to go on interruption atm so it's withdraw or stick it out which is not what I was hoping to hear x

takeitaway Fri 16-Nov-12 22:48:56

Hi nemo, was hoping you might check back in tonight.

Really hope you're okay.

takeitaway Fri 16-Nov-12 12:14:32

Also, you can afford yourself a bit more time to make your decision. If you take a look at the NHS website it explains the different termination procedures, and you certainly have a few more weeks to decide.

It might also be worth calling BPAS on 08457 304030 to talk through your options.

It does sound very much like you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, though. And maybe putting your studies on hold for a bit will give you time to consider what path you do eventually want to take. You already have a degree so you're in a fantastic position.

As I said in my previous post, I think it would be really helpful if you could get away for the weekend - maybe stay with an old friend if you're not ready to talk to your family. The main thing is to give yourself some breathing space away from your boyfriend and his mum, particularly given her views on babies out of wedlock.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do smile

takeitaway Fri 16-Nov-12 10:09:18

Hi nemo hope you're okay this morning.

Is there any chance you can go back home for the weekend? I really think you need to talk everything through with your aunt and uncle - I'm sure they would be sad to know that you are struggling with such a huge decision without their support.

catsrus Fri 16-Nov-12 08:59:14

First of all - the others are right, you come across as very mature and well able to cope with this. Secondly the PGCE is a useful qualification - it doesn't mean you have to teach. I know someone who hated teaching but got a job in the education department of a charity and prepared their material for schools. There aren't tons of jobs like that around but don't underestimate the value of the qualification if you can get it. If I understand you correctly you have a maths degree? that's one of the most useful to have for alternative careers in sectors like banking etc.

It's clear you want this baby, to be honest if you have an abortion i don't think the relationship will survive - he will always be the man who forced you into it. It's great that you have a family you believe will support you, his don't sound very nice to be honest.

This decision is yours and yours alone though - even without support from your family you can do this if you choose to. Yes babies are hard work - but you have coped with a class of schoolkids smile

nemogirl1 Fri 16-Nov-12 08:36:42

I feel really out of my comfort zone with the course, you have to be a strong person with a tough skin to teach and I definitely don't right now. I don't even like telling the kids what to do! If I go on interruption I have 2 years in which to come back and complete the course which seems quite good to me to sort myself out. I wasn't happy when i first found out, but then I started to get used to the idea and I've always wanted kids more than anything in life, to give them the childhood I never had. But there is so much bad feeling I don't feel happy about either option now :-(. His family are not really like mine. We would give anyone anything if we had it. His family are very bitchy to one another and have strong morals about babies out of wedlock etc. I'm sure this is the reason he is so scared but I hate that they can be so cold hearted. I know that my family would be hurt angry disappointed etc but they would come around probably we are quite a close knit family x

garlicbaguette Thu 15-Nov-12 21:45:11

Oh dear, sweetheart, the last thing you need is a stranger telling you what to do but, in view of the timescale, I'm going to do just that. Sorry.

Dump the boyfriend. He is no good. He can't make up his own mind, is nowhere near mature enough to be a worthwhile husband or father, and is emotionally unstable. If he gets into the Navy, it could be what he needs. In every way, the kindest thing you can do for yourself, for him and for your baby (whether you have it or not) is set him loose.

Tell your family. They will surprise you one way or another. You can't introduce a secret this big into your relationship for ever and, if you tell them later, they'll be devastated that you didn't trust them.

Find a place to live. A share might be good for you just now; what do you think?

Deal with the matter of which course to do AFTER you've made a choice about your pregnancy and ditched the boyfriend.

Good luck. xx

superstarheartbreaker Thu 15-Nov-12 20:21:32

Your dp sounds like a twat. My ex did this to me and tried to get me to abort. I kept the baby and lost him. OP; what do YOU want? I was doing my NQT year and the PGCE is hell but if you could complete sometime in the future it might be useful. But then again you could change course completely.

minmooch Thu 15-Nov-12 19:34:32

You do not owe your family your unhappiness. Your family would be heartbroken if they thought you were doing a course for them that you did not enjoy. They may have suggested it with the best intentions but that does not mean it was/is right for you.

Your family will want for you what makes you happy.

Trust in yourself, your ability to know yourself and what will make you happy.

Put aside what your family would tell you to do. Put aside what your dp wants you to do. Put aside what your dp's mother wants you to do. Solely concentrate on what feels like the right thing to do for you.

nemogirl1 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:18:25

I am eligible for counselling but there's no way I would get it before Tuesday morning which is when I am supposed to be having the abortion. The last date they will abort is 12 weeks which is exactly that day so I cant delay it again and I've been trying to get on with my course and not throw it away so I haven't had a chance. I'm just going to school, coming home sorting stuff out, cooking tea and going to bed.

I feel like I owe so much to my family, they could have put me in care but they didn't and they would be absolutely heartbroken if they knew so I'm trying to go through it on my own x

iloveweetos Thu 15-Nov-12 19:04:10

Dont pay for counselling! you will be eligible for counselling at university, which is great in my experience!
good luck! agree with everyone bout the red flag! babies are hardly ever planned, so dont feel like you need to bow down to his pressure, love or not

minmooch Thu 15-Nov-12 18:51:46

You sound much more mature than your dp. I reiterate what I said - you really need to make this decision for yourself - please do not be pushed into this by anyone. This is your life and you need to be sure that you are happy with any decision you make.

At 21 he probably wasn't expecting to face fatherhood. But the situation is at it is. He cannot emotionally blackmail you into making a decision - if you go ahead with pregnancy he will feel suicidal, if you abort he will propose at Christmas. If you make a decision under these pressures I don't think you will be happy that you made the right decision.

Living at home with his mother cannot be helpful either. Can you go and stay with a friend for a while so that you can get the space to really think things over?

No counsellor should 'judge' you so don't let that prevent you seeking help from that direction.

You are not responsible for your DP's happiness. You are responsible for your life and your happiness.

LivesInJeans Thu 15-Nov-12 17:51:05

He wants you to abort
He wants you to go into counselling to discuss the abortion he wants you to have
He threatens that if you put your feelings first he'll feel suicidal again
His mum won't be happy if you don't abort
Whilst at the abortion clinic he mentioned marriage (leverage/manipulative)
He hasn't said he will support you if you keep the baby
He doesn't want you to live in student accomodation even though you feel like you need some space


I would expect my DP to respect my decision because it's MY body
Suggest counselling if he felt that I would benefit
Worry about me feeling depressed
Care more about me than his moher and protect me from her if she didn't respect boundaries
Propose to me at a romantic memorable happy time
Support me unconditionally
Respect my need for space

Just remind me what he is doing for you? what support you are getting? He really is bad news OP. He will make you unhappy

seaofyou Thu 15-Nov-12 13:20:59

But nemo he is still unwell if threatening suicide because someone won't do as he wants!

I can't believe he even mentioned marriage in an abortion clinic! You know I am angry at him not you nemo he is abusing you by threatening to kill himself to get what he wants. It is not right what he is putting you through! You and the baby are very vulnerable.

Your age does not matter you choose to have don't need excuses! If you want an abortion that is ok but try and use contraception next time as this is such an awful situation to be in esp for you and unborn baby.

nemogirl1 Thu 15-Nov-12 13:07:18

P.s I'm 22, he is 21 in January and planning on joining the navy (but won't be for a year or 2 because of the attempted suicide and also waiting lists).

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