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Wise miners........I need your help....sorry could be long!

(13 Posts)
Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 10:42:32

I have name changed but it will probably sound familiar to those who thankfully answered.
Have a dilemma similar to a thread that's going on at the moment with a DH and work colleague. When I first posted, I was unsure as to what was going on with my DH. So as not to drip feed... has been working away last 18 months, works v.v long hours, back as and when he can, is often so tired just falls asleep at w.ends he's off. During this time I notice DH changing - new wardrobe, more conscious of how he looks, smells etc., dropping random things into conversations.

So....I have a look at phone etc, nothing personal but it does seem he has a new friend! One text late at night (shift work so not unusual) and he has used personal money for things not just for new (female) friend but male ones too but he uses money gets it back but it never goes back into account. Doesn't tell me what for but his money and I don't have to ask him if I do the same IFYSWIM.
Anyway, after months of me looking at him in a strange new way - I decided to ask what was going on. After, much talking and shouting (from me I'm ashamed to say), he has used money on not just her but others then gets cash from them.
My point to him was - if I had texted a man from work (about work but late at night easy for anyone to get wrong idea), had shiny new friend that expected me to use family money etc and then not told him - would he not be mightily p****d off or at the least embarrassed that other people might see it in a different way?
His answer was 'why would I tell you 'X' when to be honest I hadn't even thought about it?' And that he's exactly the same to her as anybody else in office. He then went on to pull funny face and said seriously, she stinks of alcohol first thing of a morning, every morning - he said it's the office joke and why would he want to look at her or anyone else.

He's late thirties - she's early twenties and seems to like a lot of male attention! I pointed this out to him (as if I needed to) I thought she could be a bit like TUlisalover if anyone read that thread!
My question is how can I believe a word he says or even begin to respect him in any way when he refuses to acknowledge that his actions can so easily be misconstrued?
I don't think affair - she's engaged and he's not Brad Pitt (although he does have company credit card) but he's better than Brad for me! And I do love him (just feel like he's not admitting he's been a knob and just not cared or not even realised)

Looksgoodingravy Wed 14-Nov-12 10:47:45

When you say he's 'used money not just on her but others then gets cash from them' what do you mean? Money for what?

What did the late night text say?

Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 10:53:31

I like your nickname (that's kind of how I'm feeling) ie: all looks good if I squint my eyes enough!
The cash is used with a discount card by him and they give him the cash back.

The text was purely work ( which he said it was ) I thought it had been deleted but it hadn't.
He doesn't like to talk though (def not about feelings!) and doesn't 'get' it when people are upset by things. Genuinely can't understand it and comes up with practical solutions with kids, me, friends etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 10:58:52

(I don't get the 'gets cash from them' reference either, I'm afraid. Do you mean he buys meals or drinks, they pay him back in cash but you don't see it again?) However, the problem sounds like it's more than a solitary texts or some cash, it's more to do with a DH that you're feeling disconnected from because either he's not there or he's asleep. When you're effectively leading separate lives it's very easy to stop seeing things from the other person's point of view. Very easy to use your imagination to fill in the gaps.

Is it essential he works away? Could you go and spend time with him where he works? Could he get a job closer to home?

Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 11:03:38

I feel like I shouldn't have to spell things out all the time. I don't encourage other men and I think if I have to spell it out to him, then he will be just ripe for some numb nut to come along because he doesn't have the gumption to point out he's very married and happy ( so he's said.)

Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 11:07:23

Sorry Cogito, cross posted. Yes about the cash. For sundries and then they pay him back, I hope! He says they do and he uses that without taking more out.
I have little ones and not really child are that would allow an overnight stay. He would be working anyway. I think I just want him to realise that some women will do and say whatever they want to get whatever that may be at the time. He looks at me as if I'm talking Chinese when I say things like this to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 11:09:32

You can't really judge him by what you would do. Has he any track record of being unfaithful or flirtatious? Have you had problems in the past? Prima facie if he's away at work all week and one of his colleagues is female then one solitary text and using his discount card the way he does for his male colleagues is hardly 'encouraging' is it? And a new wardrobe isn't exactly conclusive either. Living/working apart can make you feel insecure. How about working together on ways to feel closer?

Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 11:13:47

So, do you think I should spell it out to him? Or wait til the time when a 'work colleague' pops round while I'm out, jumps on his lap and he's sitting there saying ' I've asked her to move over love so I can get the remote - I missed a bloody goal!'
This is the man I have here - have I got a secret love God at work and he's forgotten to tell me?!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 11:17:24

I think you should spell out that the physical distance between you and the fact that he's asleep all weekend is making you feel insecure about your relationship, little things are starting to bother you, and that you (plural) need to find ways to improve matters or it may not end well.

Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 11:20:45

X posted again !
No, there have been lots of little things that could be and have been explained away but there was once a time when he changed with a new job and at a work do a secretary came over all chatty with him, plonked herself in front of her and completely blanked me. I just said 'hi I'm Mr itwasn'tme's wife, nice to meet you' and went to the bar. She didn't want to talk to me though! This caused an argument that he just couldn't understand. She was very obvious to me though and to another wife because she told me afterwards. It's like he doesn't see how some women are (or does he and just enjoys it?!)

Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 11:24:55

Thanks Cogito, he had a chance to move next year but a lot less hours, less money etc so he will stay but 'says' that staff are moving. But I wonder if this is just to make me feel better though! I want to just believe him and move on but I have a niggle that just won't seem to budge.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 14-Nov-12 11:41:56

I think this is possibly more to do with your own insecurities and this is compounded by your dh working away, I personally believe he'd be more secretive with his phone if he was hiding something and not leave it where you can easily access it. The text from the female colleague was still there for you to view. I take it from you knowing that she was a new contact that you know all of his contacts on his phone, therefore check it frequently?

It must be hard when he's away so much but as Cogito states lots of little things are bothering you and you need to sit down and take time to talk this through otherwise the gap in your relationship will widen even further.

Itwasntmemum Wed 14-Nov-12 11:52:33

I did question myself at first (am I lonely, insecure etc) but have come to realise that it doesn't really bother me when he works away. He often has but I've never felt the need to look for anything before and even now, don't want to go looking for something as I don't think it's anything physical. Maybe just the thought that he's spending time with someone new, female that I don't know whilst he's awake has rocked our boat! I don't normally feel jealous or insecure even with really beautiful women ( in everyday situations). We both joke about things on TV but not in real life. He doesn't openly flirt - just speaks to people the same - man or woman! What I mean is I don't watch him with my beady eye or should I want to!!

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