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New baby, dealing with ex, sinking fast - please help

(9 Posts)
dollyindub Wed 14-Nov-12 00:59:40

I feel as if I'm fast losing the plot and need some MN advice please!

Sorry in advance as this will be long but I'll try to keep it concise...

I live alone with my 6 week old DS - the best thing that's happened to me. His father finished with me when I told him I was pregnant (we've known each other 5 years, and lived together 1 1/2 years at this point). His reasons - that we'd not been getting on well, bad timing - he's a mature student, and that we didn't have the 'X factor' that would want him to take our relationship to the next level.

Stupidly, instead of kicking him out, I allowed him to continue to live with me as I hoped he would change his mind and he had no where else to go at the time.

6 months later he moved to his mothers house at the start of the summer break from college.

Background: He became friends with a woman in his 1st year who started to confide in him about her terrible marriage, emotionally abusive husband, and she would bring her daughter to meet him in the holidays etc. I was very uncomfortable about this, but he accused me of being needy, jealous, irrational etc.
He eventually stopped talking about her and I didn't ask any more. Then just before I found I was pregnant, his phone rang when he was out of the room so I went to pick it up seeing it was one of his friends calling. It rang off but the list of previous calls came up - all of them from her...
Again, when I confronted him about this he said they were just friends and he was helping her with college work.

So then I was pregnant and things happened as above.

He stayed in regular contact whilst at his mums, and was at the birth. He now adores our son and visited regularly. We had a lovely time together when he was born and I started to hope that we could work as a family unit. I didnt say anything to XP but cooked for him, and made life very easy for him when he was round. He always slept in the spare room.

However 2 weeks ago I found out that he lied to me, and has been having a relationship with the woman from college. I feel gutted. And so angry.
I demanded to know the truth and he told me that it only became physical 4 weeks ago (when our baby was 2 weeks old).

I am angry because he has already taken her to lovely places on dates where he never bothered with me.
He had been whingeing that he cannot manage his college work, seeing the baby etc - not enough time - now I know why!
She had obviously seen him as a way out of her crap marriage and set her cap at him. Although he obviously did not put any barriers in place either.
What kind of woman dives into a relationship with a man who has a new baby without even making a clean break from her marriage? She still lives with her husband (although they are 'separated').

I feel that she is needy (he previously only liked independent women) and devious and he's worse. Only I still have to see him as he's my baby's father.

He makes me sick - he couldn't keep it in his pants longer that 2 weeks after the birth of his son.

So how do I deal with my confused feelings for him? I hate him but need his support as I'm alone. My family live abroad.
I can't bear to think of them together, and I'm raging that they have taken my thoughts away from my precious baby with their duplicity and lies.

Sorry this is so long, but I really feel as if I'm losing it. I'm scared I may get PND as my mood is so variable but mostly low. I cant eat or sleep. Please help me.

JurassicFart Wed 14-Nov-12 01:23:14

I really feel for you, what an awful situation. Your DP is an utter, utter scumbag - I can't believe he took up with the other woman when your baby was two weeks old and then whinged that he couldn't fit everything in!

Do you have any friends locally? Are you able to go and stay with family for the duration of your maternity leave? You need to concentrate on your baby now instead of dwelling on this - I know this is so hard to do though.

Hopefully someone with better advice will be along shortly, just wanted to send a hug.

ErikNorseman Wed 14-Nov-12 07:29:18

Well you need to shelve any ideas of being a family with this guy. He has acted appallingly by stringing you along for the last 9 months with no intention of getting back together. Whether they only had sex a month ago or not (doubtful) he has had feelings for her for a long time and yet has taken advantage of your home, your kindness and your vulnerability. What a turd he is. I'm sorry that you have to feel this but you must. It's terrible timing but you must get over him and stop hoping for a reconciliation.
The OW is probably under the impression that you split many months ago and probably has no idea how you might be feeling. Yes it is foolish of her to get involved with such a messy situation but don't focus your blame or anger on her.
Make set times for the exp to come over, he can take the baby out for a walk while you have a bath or a nap or something. If the baby needs feeding he can make himself useful and do some housework. Do not let him act like he's your partner and you are a family, it's too confusing. Take his help but only practical.
And congratulations smile

liveinazoo Wed 14-Nov-12 07:43:09

firstly congrats on new babysmile

second-well done for realising he is an arse and you need some suport

so what next?
i agree aranging for him to watch baby while you get some rest

are you in the uk?

if so ask a health visitor about local groups or is there a childrens centre near you

they are a mine of nformation and support and many have support workers you can speak to in confidence who can signpost you to other support,as well as having groups for new mums some have support for lone parent groups,parents with pnd etc

if you were in northampton id be round like a shot!smile

in time making some local mum mates will make this seem much easier.til then keep least then you know you are not alonesmile

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 14-Nov-12 07:45:53

"I hate him but need his support "

You don't need his support beyond a financial contribution. The way he has behaved means he is not even your friend. You can't afford to rely on someone like that so you need to move heaven and earth now to cut contact with him & forge a life for yourself and your baby in which he plays a walk-on part only. Talk to the people around and get support from those that actually like you. If you think you may be depressed, talk to your healthcare providers. Health Visitors may also be able to put you in touch with other young mums in the area who you can meet up with at post-natal groups, for example. That's a good way to make new friends and get practical help. I've been a single parent since birth. It gives you a great sense of achievement to raise a child single-handed.

BTW... 'what kind of woman?' is not the question. 'What kind of man' treats the mother of his child as contemptuously as he has treated you? If it wasn't this woman it would be some other woman, rest assured.

Good luck

dollyindub Thu 15-Nov-12 00:51:33

Thank you all so much for your kind responses. I felt much better today after reading them, and hopefully this will continue. I have made an appointment with a MH nurse next week to discuss my situation as I feel I should be pro-active to avoid PND.
It's amazing how objective opinions on here can help - I do have very good friends fortunately, but I don't like to go on about my situation too much.

I've decided to be very directive re access to the baby - he can see him on my terms, when it suits me, and I'll make sure I'm not around as he is falling over himself to be 'super friendly '(guilt and fear-driven I think as I could move back to the UK tomorrow if I fancied) which was wrecking my head.

Erik you are right in that I should not blame the OW, but I cannot abide the complete lack of 'sisterhood' in some women who would stand on another woman's head to get what she wants.
As for ExP, he has really shown his true colours and even if he came grovelling back there is no way I would entertain him now. I am worth so much more. Good luck to them - they deserve each other!

Thank you all again.

DoubleYew Thu 15-Nov-12 01:35:41

Dolly so sorry to hear you are going through this.

It is great to hear how confident you sound in your last post. Just be warned there may be good days when you feel you are sailing into the horizon and bad when your baby is not sleeping and you dwell on what has happened. Don't worry, it is just the usual ups and downs of settling into a new life, both being a mother and being single. Mumsnet is always here!

seaofyou Thu 15-Nov-12 01:47:21

Oh you poor thing! My ex finished with me as met another woman but denied it and actually didnt tell me we were split up just disappeared for 6 weeks!

I think this may have started a while ago and the sooner you relaise how lucky you are to get rid of this waste of space that sponges off everyone the better.
You cant afford to feed the man! You have a baby to feed!
Does he pay maintenance? Does he work? Look on CSA website they have a calculator and if you know his wage work out how much he should support his ds every week.
Also set up regular visits no excuses he comes those dates/times and if he misses them he doesn't get another appointment that week! This good for you to be prepared when he comes etc and your lovely baby to get used to df at regular times....keep diary of when he does not turn up!

TBH don't even make him a cup of tea...he does not deserve it! Treat it like a business and eventually with support from people around you that do love you will take over....please tell your friends...they will want to support you esp with new baby. Please even if you just tell one of them! Also if hard ask for friend to come around when he sees his dc so you have some support.

If you want to move back to UK tomorrow do NOT put dad on birth cert as you will need his permission to bring your baby back! Get your baby registered with dad unknown just in case you want to return!

bringupthebabies Thu 15-Nov-12 01:53:19

Congrats [flowers] and glad you're feeling stronger.

You must look after yourself. Not sleeping or eating is not an option.

I think you need some lovely short-term plans to focus on over the next month or two. Is there anything you'd like to do particularly that you can throw mental energy in to?

I know you've got a newborn but it can be easier when they still sleep a lot (partic if bf) to get out and about. When my oldest was tiny I spent about 6 weeks decorating a room for her. Just a bit when I felt like it - she did sleep well grin And really enjoyed the sense of achievement.

Or visiting a friend you haven't seen? Or taking the baby somewhere you like?

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