Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
help! ex may try to abduct DD this w.e.(41 Posts)
hi mummies. we are known to some of you. im at my mums , in order to stay away from persistent and bullying ex, who beleives its his right to 1. have full access to my flat still and 2. the right to see his DD whenever he wants and now 3. the right to benefits and have her live with him.
He's a big guy , strong, fearless, and inflamed by having been through this with his ex wife too about 10 years ago and has a drink and mental health issue. im waiting for income proof to gain full access to legal aid, in next 2-3 days , . the solicitor will be writing him a warning letter re; harrasment..but im not sure if he will get it before this weekend. i wished i had moved faster on this stuff!
the police warned me to apply for a residency order, but she says its ok to allow contact as im the primary carer , and i can get a court order should he not return her. however i dont agree, i dont want it to get to that as it would be traumatic for me and Dd as she is only 2.5 and still BF . advise please ! am panicking and thinking of going into hiding somewhere else as my dozy mums too switched off and self absorbed to be on the ball about this stuff.
OP have you seen a solicitor fully trained in Family Law yet? Please do it's Friday tomorrow. You are lucky at least ex is warning you when it is....so you can be as far away as possible. Oh do not go out alone or with dd alone. Get an attack alarm on your key ring. Look out for ex car or suspicious cars parked up.
Come back over weekend and let us know you are ok?
That's ok Nickname I just assume from experience that ex is the starting point of dangerous and well he could try and get in at night and take his dd whilst asleep...OTT possibly! But that's my PTSD from my lovely experiences over the years from my twunt of an ex!
seaofyou, I totally take your point about attacks happening at night, and if arson is a likelihood, it makes sense to stay alert then. From what you've said of your ex, that sounded like a very necessary strategy for you. I don't get the same impression here, and I think it's an important for her to keep a cool head. Proper sleep does help.
Would that be a solicitor who has considerable experience in the field of family law or a follow up appointment with the trainee you've already consulted?
yes..am seeing solicitor tomorrow, thanx :-)
Op, how do you know its not your ex you're talking to on POF? Keep your cards close.
POF = Plenty of Fish which is a dating site not known for providing reliable legal advice, Beryl.
sure the guy on on POf has done all this - one way to get you onside with him right? what do you know of him? zilch -any more than you know people on here - so get proper advice and help
not the time to be dating really is it?
get proper solicitor advice. and dont hand your dd over if her eis no contact oder dont do it - wait toil contact properly sorted at a contact centre initially.
You should really think about going into Woman's Aid refuge Yummy as your ex sounds dangerous? You could be putting your mother's life at risk too? Press the WA link Izzy did.
If you went into refuge you could write to ex to say I am no longer at my mum's and my solicitor will be in contact in due course about supervised access!
It is up to you re dating but it would have been the last thing on my mind when ds and I were being targeted.
A trainee solicitor will be as much use a chocolate teapot; in this situation you need an experienced
rottweiler practitioner who is well versed in applying for ex parte injunctions and in justifying and maintaining the need for any such Orders at a later date.
Locate your local Women's Aid offices here www.womensaid.org.uk and seek recommendations for solicitors who have the expertise to put the necessary measures in place.
Don't use your mum being 'switched off' and you being switched on to some guy on POF to excuse your failure to protect your dd; her welfare and welbeing is solely down to YOU and you're long overdue in getting off your bum and getting this show on the road.
OP: Your "solicitor" is a trainee. She will not be able to take any steps on her own. She needs the advice & permission of her superior/law firm partner. If this is as urgent as you say, you need to speak to the solicitor supervising your trainee.
Stop with the PoF and get some action going with the solicitor, Women's Aid, the Police DV unit etc. etc. etc.
Sorry, but WTF? You're on POF while there's a chance your DD will be taken by your abusive Ex?
I would also ask what work you have done to reduce the risk of falling for the same kind of guy as your ex? Have you done the Freedom Programme?
If not, do that first, before trawling the bilge that is POF.
Get on the phone and get the protection your DD needs, write to the twat to tell him that due to his threats that you'll not be allowing contact until adequate protection is put in place.
Then make sure that you and she are as safe as houses. Call the police for advice too.
Nickname I meant stay awake at night if Yummy has to stay as he could strike...it's only one weekend. She can sleep when light when people around in street in daytime and ex is less likely to strike and also depends on what type of stuff he did to other ex's too will see similar pattern!
If's it's i.e risk of arson or breaking in is one of the behaviours these are usually done at night time when no witnesses to see and people asleep inside house. From my experience most of the attacks were late evening or night time a few in the day too but mainly at night after being spotted several times in day time sitting in car round the corner...that another thing you could ask someone to check for (who your ex does not know and wont drive off and car reg taken and phone police if spotted).
Yeah, it's really not the time to be chatting on PoF.
You don't have to hand her over this weekend. Send him a letter saying that you'll make DD available through a contact centre. It won't do you much good, but keep a copy - shows you're willing to allow safe contact. And prioritize the legal stuff. If you're not happy with the solicitor, try looking around for others. Many offer a free 30 min appointment - if you can talk to a few, you'll get a good sense of who is on the ball.
My ex did claim child benefit and tax credits for DD, when I was the residential parent, and each time it took 6 months to sort out. A pain in the backside, but it does get sorted out in the end. Don't panic (and don't try to stay awake all weekend, as earlier advised - it won't help your judgement). You can do this, but you need to keep your head, get good legal advice, and follow it faithfully.
i think you might find chatting to your solicitor, women's aid, child benefit office etc. more helpful?
ps. by luck am chatting to a guy on POF who has just been thru all this so tahts helpful
hi thanks for all the responses. yes, ex has 'borderline narcissistic personality disorder' so control is a big issue.i agree chopstheduck its about controlling ME. he also sees kids as 'cashcows' as he illegally claimed childben / tax cred for years for his other kids, and is still getting it for one! his ex was a bit switched off at the time, now i think she's too scared as he has given them years of harrassment/ abuse since she locked him out . yes i think its time to show the solicitor his threatening emails along with benefit evidence, she seems a bit reluctant to take proper steps via court, but she is a trainee. thanks snoopdog i was feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the orders etc , which one was siutable etc. we took so long as we were in shock-initially,and recovering, tired ,plus so many things got in way, just everyday stuff ,and , as said mums a bit switched off and kept doing her own things so i was stuck with DD and unable to get on , plus solicitor booked up then my benefit evidence wasnt recent enuf...so we had a long meeting but then she hasnt been able to do anything else ! i feel like im tramping thru mud! flojo its not that he has been reasonable, but that he has written some very threatening emails, some quiet abusive to family/ freinds, and basically says its his 'right' to have DD with him. i think also some weird punishment thing against women as he's a misogynist and hates women. Am going to make some phone calls. not sure where we could go this w.e., but yes i dont want DD exposed, as you say hissyby name she has been thru enuf drama already .
Do you have somewhere else you and your DD can stay this weekend?
Be out. You don't want to expose your dc to this, or put her at risk.
Be OUT. All weekend.
Apply to court for an emergency non molestation order on the basis of his threat to take your child. solicitor will have to draw up statement and demonstrate grounds - his verbal agression, threats etc, financial abuse drink issues, mental health problems, you should get a 10/20 minute hearing. I did this, the judge's main concern (rightly) was that I was not trying to engineer a situation that blocked all contact with children. I assured him that I just needed short term protection to put necessary safeguards and arrangements re contact in place. My order was granted. He wasn't allowed within 500m of me.
Because it is an emergency order it is granted without your ex's knowledge. He will be served with the order and from the moment it is served it is in effect (get the process server to call you to tell you it's been done.)
He will then be given the right to reply within about 14 days I think from memory and he can then put his side of the story.
It will give the time and space to put suitable arrangements in place, take control of the situation and hopefully, allow things to calm down a bit.
Make sure it comes with 'power of arrest' or it's useless
it sounds to me a lot like my exh.
'have DD living with me and then you will have to come and see her at my place'
IMO, it's about gaining control over YOU not dd. I'm not convinced at all that it is about a dad wanting access to, or residency of his child. He wants control over you, so he calls the shots, and you have to go over to his place to see your daughter.
I would block contact this weekend - just say sorry, this weekend isn't convenient, and get some proper arrangements in place. Contact women's aid for advice, and also, do you have a Home Start or Sure Start near you? They may also be able to provide support.
I not sure you have grounds to block unsupervised contact, but in this situation you should at least get the residency order in place and proper arrangements for access.
My exh was like this, until I moved 200 miles away, then he lost all interest in his children overnight, and I never heard from him again. I tried to make arrangements so he could still see them on a regular basis, but once I was out of reach, he wasn't interested any more.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Read what the OP has said about her ex, Flojo.
Any negotiations with bullying/abusive/controlling individuals are best conducted from a position of strength and, especially where drink/mental issues are a factor, the welfare and wellbeing of any dc should be of paramount importance at all times.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.