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To cut ties with my family over this?

(16 Posts)
BratinghamPalace Tue 13-Nov-12 23:42:43

There are four of us in the family all married and all living in different countries. I had a major row with one DB last year which ended in him refusing to continue his role of Godfather to dd1 (5 yrs old). So things not good there. DM went to visit him last month and when there organized to spend Christmas there with all the other siblings. She told me yesterday as an "oh, by the way ....." I am not upset that they would all have Xmas together. I am upset at the complete and utter exclusion and further by the casual way I was told. No recognition at all of the fact that I might be hurt or would like to have been invited.
So would I be U to slowly cut ties?

Rockchick1984 Tue 13-Nov-12 23:45:53

Unless there is a massive backstory that you haven't shared then yes, YABU. Your mum probably didn't know how else to tell you other than just to blurt it out, and if you no longer speak to your brother why would he invite you to stay with him?

SoleSource Tue 13-Nov-12 23:48:11

Your presence would make the gathering awkward for everybody else aswell as the fact your DB does not want you there.

It must be awkward for your DM to have to be the one to tell you of their plans..

What other readons do you have for cutting ties?

There is more to this,.isn't there?

WorraLiberty Tue 13-Nov-12 23:59:44

It's not easy for the rest of the family when two people fall out

I expect your mum assumed you wouldn't want to go anyway if you're not talking to your DB?

As an aside, what sort of 'role' can a Godfather play when they live in a different country?

BratinghamPalace Wed 14-Nov-12 00:00:30

There was a fraught upbringing largely due to a violent and emotionally
Nasty DM. So one the one hand we were very close, all suffering together
So to speak but on the other hand played against each other by her. I
Feel now, with DCs of my own and the age we are all at that it may be time for me to bow out. I should move this thread. It does not belong here.
Am too raw.

BratinghamPalace Wed 14-Nov-12 00:01:25

Skype from time to time?

blackeyedsusan Wed 14-Nov-12 08:07:38

only you don't have to cut them off, you can gradually withdaw until you are happy with the level of contact.

StanleyLambchop Wed 14-Nov-12 08:27:22

From what you say, it seems your DBro is carrying on with the behaviour learned from your DM. He has invited all the other siblings to exclude you. Playing them off against you. How is your relationship with the others? I feel very sorry for you , but I think you cannot do anything so just have your Christmas with your own family and forget about the rest. As you all live far apart then surely you are not in daily contact anyway. Just cut back, don't bother with them if it is too painful.

dysfunctionalme Wed 14-Nov-12 08:34:41

No don't cut ties. Don't do anything rash. You're hurt and angry, but sit on it for a bit until you work out what you really want to do. Cutting them off will just add to the drama.

Sounds like your family situation is pretty fraught at the best of times but there may come a time when your mother is less in the picture and you siblings re-group. Maybe think about leaving an opportunity for that.

Would you talk to a counsellor? Family relationships can be v complex and you need someone without a vested interest to listen.

VirginiaDare Wed 14-Nov-12 08:57:57

Hold on a minute, lets not automatically assume that OP is the Wronged party and the brother is awful. Maybe the falling out was her fault? Maybe it was equally both of them?
Are we all suggesting that because his sister isn't speaking to him he, or any of them, are not allowed to have a family christmas because she will be excluded? That doesn't make sense.

diddl Wed 14-Nov-12 09:03:42

Am I misreading/misunderstanding?

Why would you care about not being invited to spend Christmas with the brother you have fallen out with?

Surely the rest of the family can do as they please?

Anyone who would rather not so as not to hurt you can say no.

Were you planning to see your mum or other siblings & she has ruined this by asking/organising first?

Sallyingforth Wed 14-Nov-12 10:02:38

I don't think we could make a fair judgment without hearing DBs side of this.

Justforlaughs Wed 14-Nov-12 10:42:21

Only you can know whether it's worth making an effort to build bridges or walk away. I know that I would do anything for any of my siblings and although two of us did have a big row once, we made it up the very next day. If I was in the situation that you have described I would be doing my best to build those bridges (maybe by sending presents for everyone with my DM) but I'm not you and my family are not your family. I don't know anything about any past history. I don't think YAnecessarilyBU whichever you decide to do.

Justforlaughs Wed 14-Nov-12 10:42:57

I hope you all have a great Christmas anyway grin

diddl Wed 14-Nov-12 11:07:57

So you want to cut ties with everyone because they are all having Christmas with the brother you have already cut ties with?

I have to say that that sounds U to me tbh.

SandyMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 15-Nov-12 10:02:50

Hi there,

We are moving this thread to Relationships now, at the OP's request.


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