advice over contact during the week

[jan2013]

im having awful trouble with my dds sleep. ive changed her bedtime to between 8 and 9 now to try to get her to sleeping and also stop the 5am wake ups - she has me up many times at night and is 14 months.

dh takes her 2 nights after his work - from 5.30 to 7.30. she falls alseep in the car and then is transferred to her cot asleep. the problem with it is that, if he brings her home early, she falls asleep in the car, its too early of a bed time for her it really affects her sleep at night. so i told dh now that im trying a later bedtime, he needs to bring her back later as then she will fall asleep. he is not doing it. tonight he brought her back early... she woke up, and this is the other thing that can happen - if she wakes up after a nap in the car, she will be up very late tonight before she'll go to bed.

it all sounds very complicated doesn't it? to me its pretty simple. but dh seems not to understand. im tempted to say i think she would be better just being at my house during the week. her staying over at his is not an option. anyone know what i should do? ive been working on her sleep now for awhile, im completely shattered, and the little things count when it comes to bed time routines, but the little things don't count when it comes to exdh's who don't have to get up during the night or in the am. anyone get where im coming from

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

50/50 parenting is meant to be for the child's benefit. If everyone's having broken nights as a result - your DD included - you'll have to come to a different arrangement. Is the access agreed through court or is it informal?

[HoolioHallio]

Is he 'choosing' not to understand ? It seems very simple to me.
This is a classic example of why children can be caught in the cross fire of a '50/50' arrangement.

This lack of/disruption to your DDs bedtime routine can't continue. How amicable is the split? Could you suggest no midweek overnights for a few months so that you can work consistently at getting her into a better sleep pattern, with an option to review after that? Could he come round to yours and put her to bed one night a week? - I realise that may not be feasible.

[jan2013]

Yes its informal - no- one else involved with deciding what to do. and yeah, that was my thoughts, he is choosing not to understand - as ive explained to him a few times now, and tbh i get the feeling that he is going out after and thats why he drops her off early. he had his friend in the car once, and i know a lot of things he goes to start at that time.

the split is not really amicable. he isn't having any overnights at the minute - because he hasn't asked for them and i don't think he would want them, give the way he is treating the times when he does have her. no it really isn't going to work if he comes round here to put her to bed....

i could suggest that unless he can bring her home at the right time, then i will have to have her at home, due to disruption in her routine. i know he won't be very happy when i say that...he is likely to be annoyed... but i have to do something about it.

[MyLittleFireBird]

This is a classic example of why children can be caught in the cross fire of a '50/50' arrangement.
How does 4 hours over weekdays sound like a '50/50 arrangement' if she can never stay at his? The antipathy on here towards split custody is unbelievable, and always so poorly informed. This is clearly not a shared custody (child has no home with father) arrangement, the OP calls it 'contact' and the hours mean it can't be 50/50.

OP, hope her sleep improves soon and that you're able to either get your Ex to understand or change the arrangements.

[CaliforniaLeaving]

Tell him not to come by to drop her off before xx time as you won't be home. Maybe that will get the message across. Does he expect you to sit home waiting for him to turn up with her, you could say you'll be out doing the groceries or at a friends house.

[HoolioHallio]

Apologies Mylittle - my bad! - I was trawling through old threads on contact (hoping for some divine inspiration for my own situation) and thought the OP talked about 50/50 care

[jan2013]

you know, that is an excellent idea. i have been the one sitting at home every night while he is going out whenever he wants. maybe its time for me to actually go out and do something, even if its going for a walk or the groceries or my studying in the library instead of the house. brilliant idea... its just getting myself motivated now to get out..... i know he will not be happy though

[Lovingfreedom]

Great advice. If he's agreed 7.30 return then arriving back from your activity right on time will incentivise him to take the times agreed seriously. If he doesn't like you going out well...tough titty. You're not with him any more....none of his business. Couple of hours is plenty for a good walk, swim, couple of coffees and natter. Enjoy yourself and good luck with the sleeping.