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Friendship over-any experiences?

(16 Posts)
awaywego1 Tue 13-Nov-12 16:17:06

So this might be long...
My closest friend has decided he no longer wants to be friends with me. We had a minor falling out in June and I haven't seen him since. Prior to this I regarded him as family, we have been 'best friends' for 7 years and have supported each other through some very difficult times, saw each other an awful lot, had a group of mutual friends etc.
The reasons behind him no longer wanting to be friends with me are complex and I believe lie in his fears around people being close to him due to a history of sexual abuse. Unfortunately he won't talk to me about the reasons and just says that the friendship wasn't working for him and that he doesn't want me to analyse it. Actually the only contact we have has is via email.
People around me are understandably shocked and angry and to some degree it also impacts upon other people as we were part of a small but close group of friends and haven't socialised together since. He has to some degree distanced himself from those people too but not to the same extent.
I just feel so so sad and I am also worried about him, I worry about what is going on in his head that has made him feel that this is the right thing to do. I am really struggling to move on from this and I just wondered if anyone has had a similar experience?

I know I need to grieve I guess and try and accept life without him but its hard and I really don't want to. People around me are supportive but I feel like I need to stop talking about it now and move on.
Any thoughts would he gratefully received.

Goodidea Tue 13-Nov-12 17:20:01

Will pm you tonight.

awaywego1 Tue 13-Nov-12 18:15:40

Thanks smile

ashesgirl Tue 13-Nov-12 18:24:05

I'm sure it must be very painful for you.

But if he's asked you not to continue and not to go into his reasons why, then I think you have to respect that.

If he's going to come round, he will in his own time. Being pressurised or feeling guilty about it may only push him away more.

So for now, I'd withdraw and try to come to terms with it.

olgaga Tue 13-Nov-12 19:05:17

I think that sometimes people who have been abused regret sharing their experiences. Shaking off relationships with people you've confided in is a way of shaking off the memories.

It's about not wanting to be with people who know, because it's a constant reminder.

You'll have to be gracious and let this go. I don't know why anyone else thinks it's their business to be "shocked and angry" - that seems a little over-the-top.

People are allowed to move on in life!

awaywego1 Tue 13-Nov-12 20:09:33

I guess other people are shocked because it seems odd after such a significant friendship and seems to have come out of he blue and they are angry because there has been no communication with me which seems unkind and disrespectful.

I know I have to let it go and I am, of course it is his choice who he chooses to be friends with but it hurts and is confusing.

ashesgirl Tue 13-Nov-12 20:27:21

Must be tough.

Can you say what was the minor falling out about? Could it be something minor to you but major to him?

olgaga Tue 13-Nov-12 20:30:17

It's probably because it was such a "significant friendship" that it's all got a bit much.

What kind of communication were you expecting? No-one's entitled to a full post-mortem if a relationship breaks down.

Perhaps he's met someone, and feels his friendship with you was a bit of a complication - or maybe he just doesn't need it any more.

It sounds as though you were over-invested in this. Were you hoping this "friendship" would become something more significant? Either way, you need to move on too.

awaywego1 Tue 13-Nov-12 20:45:35

Its difficult to say what the minor falling out was about without outing myself. At the time he said that it was just about that but his reaction was disproportionate and so I guess it was a deeper problem.

We are both in relationships where we are happy, I can say with certainty that there are no issues there. I think there was some over investment to some degree-we relied on each other a lot-and I recognise that of course friendships change and wax and wane depending on where you are in life but its the extreme 'cutting off' which is difficult to process.
We would normally spend Xmas and holidays together and it's so sad to know that wont happen again.

ashesgirl Tue 13-Nov-12 20:52:46

Maybe you're right. Perhaps he wanted to pull away from the friendship before and the falling out was just the last straw.

Who can say? All you can do is grieve for the relationship and let him get on with his life.

You may well find out in time what it was all about.

OovoofWelcome Tue 13-Nov-12 22:11:33

Sorry you're going through this - it's very painful. I've been there.

I think sometimes when one friend is the supporter and the other very needy then that very imbalance, which for a time meets a powerful need in both friends, can ensure that the friendship will end. It is too unequal to last longer than one life cycle of one kind or another.

Hurts though I know. Just let him go. Stop wanting to fix him. And you are allowed to be angry and hurt: you are no longer in relationship with him, you don't have to take care of him any more. So feel how you feel. Furious, spurned....shock at his ingratitude, even. It won't impact him. So feel how you feel in order to start letting go.

I don't believe in the afterlife but sometimes I wish there was a room at the end of life, where you and everyone you've ever been close to can meet up - ancient, amused, compassionate, level-headed after years of experience....and talk about what actually happened, without drama, with fondness, with acknowledgment of the love that was once there.

CindySherman Tue 13-Nov-12 22:18:39

How strange. Do you think he likes you in a romantic way?

awaywego1 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:22:10

Oowoof-that made me shed a tear, it feels really important to remember all the nice stuff and the kindness we shared, it's hard now because it feels so at odds with how things have panned out.

No-definitely no romantic interest on either side.

thetrackisback Tue 13-Nov-12 22:35:29

one more piece of contact. Thank him for the happy times and for being a wonderful friend when you needed him. Tell him you are gutted about the situation but you respect his wishes. Wish him well and leave the ball in his court.

How does his partner get on with you?

awaywego1 Tue 13-Nov-12 22:41:52

Thetrack-yes have been considering that but if he was feeling that our friendship was too intense I don't want him to feel I'm hassling him but then what have I got to lose now.
Yes I get on really well with his partner, we were very close too, have seen each other a bit since but obviously it's a bit Awkward and he seems totally in the dark about it all too, friend has just said he doesn't want to talk about it when he's tried to bring it up. I'm not speaking to his partner about it regularly tho as I don't want him to feel any more 'in the middle' than he already does.

thetrackisback Tue 13-Nov-12 22:55:55

You have nothing to lose and you are not hassling him you are just telling him what you feel about him with no strings. It may just keep the door open if things change in the future.

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