Not apologising for something

[BranchingOut]

On my work days I take my son to nursery in the car, come home, collect my bag and work things then head off to work by public transport.
This might sound a bit complicated, but we live in London so this is the best way.

I just take the car keys and a set of house keys with me to the nursery - I need both hands to wrangle DS and the nursery is tiny, so it is better to leave excess stuff at home.

However, I got back home today and realised that there was no key on the fob, only other keys that would not open the door. DH had removed the key to go running, failed to replace it on the fob afterwards and then headed off to work. The keys in question are a general household set that we keep handy, for locking the door or popping out.

I was locked out, due to be late for work and in a real fix. No money, no travel card, nothing. In the end I had to go to a neighbour to call DH, drive quite a distance to his offices in Central London, pick up the key and then come back home. This took up the best part of the morning. I couldn't have driven to work as there is no parking there.

What really got me was he was steering very clear of admitting any kind of fault for this (you should have looked etc) and did not apologise. I told him that I was pretty upset, but although somewhat helpful in telling me the route to drive out of the city, he seemed to regard it as just one of those things. Obviously, yes, some of the fault is mine, but you do expect keys to still be on a fob where they normally live. He didn't express any concern for me missing work, being locked out or suffering a lot of inconvenience.

Things are not great between us (he does have some quite critical tendencies) and in some way maybe I was waiting for some kind of event that might test his reactions.

Any views? Thanks.

[olgaga]

Frustrating, isn't it, when they simply won't admit to being at fault or see the need to apologise. I used to think this was a trait peculiar to my DH - until I discovered Mumsnet! Is it a pride thing?

I'm not sure what the answer is - except to ask him how he would have felt if he had been in your position. No doubt if the boot was on the other foot, he would have been pretty hacked off too - the difference is you would have been mortified and apologetic.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

We all make mistakes but a total lack of apology sounds off. Didn't offer to come back or even meet you halfway to halve your journey so I wouldn't be turning cartwheels at him giving you map directions. Is he normally this thoughtless? Has this been brewing a while?

[BranchingOut]

Santa, literally nowhere to park near where I work. No car park. No street parking. On a main road with double yellows and a bus lane, plus if I had found a meter space anywhere nearby then no money to pay for it.

[suburbophobe]

Surely the solution is for you each to have a set of keys....

[BranchingOut]

We do have separate sets of keys, but if they are inside the house then they aren't much good to me!

I had taken a set of keys which had been rendered non-functional by the deliberate removal of the most important key.

The point is, it isn't about the arrangements, it is about the relationship.
If I had borrowed his travel card and not returned it, then I would be at fault. If this removal had meant that he was unable to get to work or some other inconvenience resulted then I would be ready with a heartfelt apology and be doing what I could to make things better.

[Whatnowffs]

I think it sounds pretty trivial - annoying but trivial, however, the fact that you are so cross and he didn't apologise and its looking like you are going to end up wiht a big blow up over this, trivial but annoying thing, says that you really need to be looking at your relationship. Maybe use this as a catalyst to have a heart to heart about what has been going wrong recently? could it be that you are both really stressed out? work, young DC etc and look at ways to ease the stress?

[BranchingOut]

I think that what got me was that he didn't even do the "Oh" followed by a long pause thing he does when he realises that he might have made a mistake.

There was something slightly shifty about the way that he was not forthcoming with any apology or any real concern. Just a sense that he was determined to still be firmly in the right.

There are deeper issues, but I suppose I just expected a bit more from him.

[Whatnowffs]

What are the deeper issues? Were you shitty with him about it? (i freely admit i would have gone off he deepend to DP about it so i would have got short shrift too so.........).

Maybe he was just caught up in work?

I think he was pretty thoughtless actually, but its not worth having a major falling out over. But do have a talk.

[mummytime]

Why did he take your key?
My kids on occasion have taken it to let themselves in when I have taken another on another of my kids taxi runs (they are teens), but they usually have their own with them. I have nearly borrowed DHs when I have been late and couldn't find mine (usually when he is out of the country). But I fail to see why your DH had taken yours.
Was it just because he was too lazy to find his own? Because he wanted to set you up to fail?

I think you do need to think deeply about this.

And yes He Was Being Unreasonable not to at least apologise.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

If you take a key off the keyring where it always lives, you are responsible for putting it back, and if you don't put it back, you are responsible for any disruption or trouble this causes someone else.

Your dh should have apologised.

[lovemydogs]

hiya
that would upset me too. Alot. Some men don't apologise - it is rare for my OH to apologise and he also tends to be critical - sometimes we think things but we don't have to say them is how I try to live. I think your husband is in the wrong. I would get a spare key cut, give it to him, and tell him to use it when he goes running so as not to leave a set of keys incomplete. Good luck. xx

[gladiolus]

I think your dh knows he is in the wrong, feels bad, but doesn't want to lose face, so he is pushing the blame onto you.

How about, doing what lovemydogs suggests, getting a key cut for him, telling him this is his special running key so the situation doesn't arise again, then giving it to him with a kiss.

Hopefully, he will a) feel bad that he did it in the first place, b) feel happy that you have thought about him and come up with a solution and c) be prodded by his conscious into an apology because you haven't gone off on one about it like he deserves.

[gladiolus]

^conscience, not conscious. :)

[BranchingOut]

I definitely wasn't shitty or even shirty.

When I called him, my tone was probably a bit upset/anxious/puzzling out what to do. By the time I got to his office I was a bit frazzled after driving through central London and numerous diversions, road closures and satnav failiures, plus being generally frustrated about the loss of my morning - but it was more upset than going off at him. I did say 'I am upset about this' and my facial expressions and body language would have backed this up.

The first thing I did when I finally got home (had called work, explained and told them I would be working from home, albeit unplanned and not what I wanted to do today) was to go round to the locskmith and cut him a spare key for when he goes out running, so there is no excuse for this in future.

Bizarrely, he did not want me to do this and said it was not necessary. It was as if he would rather me be permanently checking around him rather than put something in place to sort it out.

I am not going to make a big thing out of this, but I will remember it.

[gladiolus]

Well maybe you can hang onto that spare key and put it on your car keys. I must admit, his reaction wasn't what I would have hoped for.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I don't really think this is just about keys, sorry.

[Dahlen]

THat's just weird behaviour on his part. I was going to say that sometimes people can get all defensive when they know they're in the wrong, but the normal reaction in this sort of situation would be an "Oh shit, I didn't think. I'm really sorry" followed by an "It's ok, I know you didn't do it on purpose" and then both of you letting it go. So he's BU for not reacting like that, which most people would do instinctively I think.

Follow that up by not wanting you to have another key cut...

Do you think he wanted you to be wrong-footed today? And if so, why?

[BranchingOut]

Thanks for all the responses.

The thought that he might have wanted this on some level makes me feel a bit wierd. In fairness, the key was just lying out in such a way that it was near where we normally keep that set, so it was as if he had just forgotten.

But there was a sense of 'Well, you should just double check or change the way you do things in order to accommodate my own out-of-the-ordinary action.'

Regarding the cutting of the extra spare key and him not feeling it should be necessary. He likes me to let him in when he has been running rather than taking a key (due to them jangling in his pocket) and can get a bit sniffy if I ever say that I might be popping out or won't be able to come to the door for some reason. So by cutting this key I have neutralised his whole 'letting-me-in-when-I-go-running' complaint.

He also hasn't liked it before when I have done something to neutralise a source of complaint eg. he used to always complain when I worked pre maternity leave that I couldn't tell him my bank balance at any given point in time (I don't hold that info in my head) or would accuse me of not contributing enough money to the joint account. However, I did contribute the agreed amount of money to cover mortgage and bills, plus keeping back a bit for my own personal expenses and a few savings, but not the extra £000s per month that he could put in there due to his high salary.

So, when I went back to work I decided, enough was enough, and asked my employer to pay my whole salary directly into the joint account. Then I set up a small standing order to my own bank a/c for my own personal expenses. Totally up front, all money going in visible, all money coming out visible. He seemed strangely irritated by this.... .

[captainmummy]

Of course you shouldn't need to 'check' the keyring before going out - who does this? If the key should be there, if it's always there, then you assume it's still going to be there! I am notorious for forgetting keys, so now i have (in additiion to my keyring) a spare key in my purse, so if i forget my keys I've usually got my handbag/purse at least.

But it's not really about keys, is it?

[SugaricePlumFairy]

It does sound like he wants you to have an ' itch that needs scratching' like a reminder that he thinks you are at fault for something, you sorting out the bank account stopped him being able to complain so did he find something else to moan at you about?

Put the spare key under the door mat or a plant pot then you don't need to be at his beck and call when he returns from a run.

[digerd]

Reading between the lines, no, I don't think it is either.

[BranchingOut]

Yes, that sort of 'being on the tips of your toes' feeling.

We had a lot of problems about two years ago, but have been ok for over a year. But I still feel a bit 'jumpy', as if he wouldn't ever let me off for doing or not doing something and that I always have to have good reason on the tip of my tongue if something hasn't gone to plan.

[amverytired]

Is it kind of like a 'walking on eggshells' feeling?
Do you worry about getting things 'wrong' because of his reaction? i.e. sighing, getting cross, lecturing etc.?