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Feel so alone

(13 Posts)
BabyHaribo Tue 13-Nov-12 09:38:29

Why does no one tell you having a baby can be like this? Having a baby is all Ive ever wanted to do in life and it's not working out as I thought.

I was made redundant while on mat leave and we decided I should stay at home for a while, DH works long hours and it's easier to manage DS with only one of us commuting.

I just feel like DS has pushed me and DH so far apart I don't no if we will ever get back what we had. DH is not interested in DS will do things with/for him but only if I ask. He is just carrying on as he was pre children. He never gets up in the night (last night I think I had 3hours sleep which might explain the emotional post!).

I feel like everything I do for DS is out of love. I do not want to get out of bed at 2am but i do because there is no choice and DS needs me! DHs response would be to just leave him to cry (he is 10 months).

Having a baby is tiring/stressful/emotional BUT I feel there is so much good stuff too. DH just feels resentment to DS for changing his life and this is making me resent DH - can we ever get past this?

I can't tell anyone in RL as I feel ashamed that we are struggling sad

puds11 Tue 13-Nov-12 09:43:17

(((hugs))) haribo. Having a baby is very har, especially if you are unsupported. I cried every day for a year after my DD was born. Her dad was completely useless and never helped.

However....now she is older (4), goes to nursery and school, can entertain herself if needs be. You begin to get you freedom back. Hang in there, it does get easier.

Is it possible you have post natal depression?

puds11 Tue 13-Nov-12 09:43:34

*hard not har hmm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 13-Nov-12 09:45:22

Wiser people than me will be along to advise but couldn't let you go unanswered. It can get better and please don't keep quiet about this, confide in someone in RL. It's not uncommon and mums often feel almost ashamed to admit problems like this, it really isn't anything to be embarrassed about - having a baby is such a big experience.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 13-Nov-12 09:47:33

Slow typist me, puds11 has already popped in.
Can I ask, does DH get up at weekends to help, ideally you would have at least one morning Sat or Sun for a lie in.

GlesgaRocket Tue 13-Nov-12 09:58:39

I felt the exact same as you. The lack of support from P and his seeming lack of interest in DD (he never did one night with her - despite the fact i returned also to full time work when she was just over 4 months old) caused a lot of resentment and bitterness for me.
There were other problems in our relationship, but this resentment, lack of support, sleep deprivation etc was one of the deciding factors in me leaving him (i took DD with me) when DD was only 6 months old.

DD is now 20 months old, and although very hard work is an absolute joy. Her dad has seen her only 3 times since we left, and contributes nothing financially.
Although she was planned, and very much wanted, i don't think he understood the reality of what having a child was actually about, and how it would change our relationship. The financial burden was also a complete shock to the system for him.

I do sometimes think that if i'd discussed how i'd felt with ex-p, and tried to sort things out then things might have been different, but the anger was eating me up and i basically stormed out after a row without much thought, and that was the end of that.
However, how he has treated his DD since then has now convinced me that leaving was the right thing to do. How any person could treat their child with such apathy is beyond me. I also still feel angry that he put a black cloud over what should have been the happiest time of my life, bonding with my newborn.

You really need to talk to your DH about how you're feeling, and what you and your child need from him. Don't do what i do and just blow up - not until you've tried to discuss things first anyway!

Good luck to you.

BabyHaribo Tue 13-Nov-12 10:08:15

Thanks for all the replies it's good to know you are never truly alone!

I agree I need to talk to DH and we have he says he will do this that or the other but things always seem to slip back. I guess you can't change how you feel. I really believe that once DS is a bit more independent and sleeps better that DH could be a wonderful father....but it's really really hard in the meantime and I am letting anger and resentment take over

FlipFlippingFlippers Tue 13-Nov-12 10:12:31

Hang in there! It does get easier and then they turn 3! grin

Having a baby is so hard. I have a very supportive Dh and still found it very lonely and difficult. Didn't help that he worked shifts and sometimes that would be til midnight!

I also found the lack of conversation when Dh was working very isolating. I never felt comfortable quite silly really talking to a baby. But once my dd started talking things improved.

I now think after having dd2 that after dd1 I possibly had post natal depression. Do you think this could be something you suffer from?

Do dad and baby ever have any one on one time? Do you have many days out as a family? Do you have other help from friends or family?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 13-Nov-12 10:38:57

You shouldn't feel this is a solo effort, no way should you feel like a lone parent. Whether this baby was planned or even a happy accident, your DH needs to step up.

At the weekend find time to talk. If he thinks as main breadwinner his effort stops there he is letting you and DS down. Some people do say, oh so + so is no good around tiny babies, they can't really interact. That is bs, and now as your child is 10 months and as toddlerdom looms you definitely need DH's input.

It is not "babysitting" or "doing you a favour" if he looks after DS by himself if you go out one evening midweek or spend a day at the weekend out with friends.

Hope he at least pulls his weight round the house? Being at home with DS doesn't make you a housekeeper or render DH incapable of doing some domestic stuff.

Are you able to lean on family for support? Have you a trusted person available to babysit so you can have time out as a couple?

I don't know whether your friends have had children yet but definitely try and get talking to someone outside too. Keep posting here also the Parenting thread.

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 12:57:49

when i think how my partner supported me setting up the feeds and just being there for me i can,t believe how some men think has soon has you have the baby not help even just a little means alot.

BabyHaribo Tue 13-Nov-12 13:39:20

I think also being tired for us both doesn't help.

I have lots of friends with children similar ages to DS but always feel that everyone else is coping/doing it better than me. DS can't yet crawl and can be a bit clingy I worry I have made him like this.

Lots of friends are also now starting to go back to work. DH commented they other day about a friends husband "he gets up in the night & does stuff around house...but then it's different cos she has gone back to work!"angry

Don't know about PND I would feel like I was failing DS if I had PND and I wouldn't know what to do about it anyway my GP is useless & only saw HV when DS was small.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 13-Nov-12 16:20:11

Tons of mums put on a brave face, sometimes it just takes for one person to say, "God I'm on my knees with tiredness, wish baby would sleep through just once!" for everyone else to start agreeing.

Please don't think you're the only one going through this, you really aren't.

Having a quiet word with any GP at your doctor's surgery should be of help, (perhaps one of your friends can recommend a helpful soul), it isn't any kind of admission of failure honestly.

puds11 Tue 13-Nov-12 19:26:26

What a prick! IMO, i would much rather do a days work than look after a child. Working is much easier.

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