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Christmas politics

(6 Posts)
semirurallife Mon 12-Nov-12 17:54:16

need some of y'alls amazing wisdom and experience out there.... am trying to work out what to do for xmas. snooty big sis is offering to host because mum is having cancer treatment. don't hate me for this but am not keen on going. she's doing fine, it won't be her last. but it also won't be the last time they all lay in to me. i am 'different', 'a rebel', my mum used to to say sneeringly, they have never liked any decisions i have taken and even though i am 40!! they still tell me when they don;t like something i do. e.g. was about to buy a house, with DH who they like, but gave me months of wearing down about how it was too far from my DD's school (35 mins). when we moved to pretty rural village and got my DD into the best school, they said 'it was luck wasn't it, that your move went so well.' they could not believe for a minute I had done so much right. now lastly its been a series of job decisions. they know all this because I try to be a good daughter, call them, visit whenever I can... but I am sick of it, and them, sadly, i have tried to explain that they need to stop judging but they don;t and the wounds are old but still very un-healed and no amount of counselling is ever going to change the fact they really p**s me off with their 1950s snooty judging. they can;t love me for who I am so... . what to do???? help!!

TheBirderer Mon 12-Nov-12 18:06:27

Don't go, stay at home with your husband and children and make your own traditions and have a lovely time. You've been painted as the dodgy one who can't do anything right and it pisses them off that you've done well and are a success: they'll shit all over you whatever you do. It's THEM, not you. They're the ones who are all messed up.

Be sure of this: if you don't go they'll be guilt tripping you and complaining that your mum has been through so much and telling you how selfish you are. But it'll be best for you if you don't. You don't owe it to them to show up and be insulted and belittled just so they can get some satisfaction.

This may sound quite cold, but just because your mum has cancer doesn't change that she sneers at you, belittles your achievements and tells you that she hasn't ever liked a single decision of yours.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 12-Nov-12 18:14:23

What TheBirderer wrote. You do not have to attend their Christmas celebrations to be both insulted and belittled. What about cutting them off completely or if that is too much limit all communications to that of an occasional phone call.

Its not you, its them. You did not make them this way. You do not mention your Dad; is he still around?.

People who come from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your assigned role to them is scapegoat.

Have a read of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward along with having a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationship pages.

olgaga Mon 12-Nov-12 18:24:52

Definitely give it a miss. It's perfectly acceptable to say "we're having Christmas at home this year". Don't forget you can visit your mum any time - it doesn't have to be Christmas Day. And don't let anyone make you feel bad about it!

semirurallife Mon 12-Nov-12 18:25:59

thank you Birder and Attila!! you rock. I have read about toxic parents, even called them that in an email when the house attack came, but no progress.. will check out the stately homes. Thanks!!! smile friends, even virtual ones, are the family we choose...

semirurallife Mon 12-Nov-12 19:17:40

thanks olgaga too...

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