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I can't go on.

(54 Posts)
DeadInside Mon 12-Nov-12 13:18:17

I don't know what to do. H and I had an arguement on Saturday. He pushed me (by the throat) so hard I feel over and hit my head on a chest of drawers. I think I landed badly on my hip too as it's quite bruised and it hurts to walk. I got up and he pushed me again, this time into the wall.

I called the police as I am now seriously frightened of him. They took him for questioning but of course I didn't press charges as he would have lost his job and with it the house we live in. He is back in the huse but we don't speak.

The thing is I now know exactly who he is. He has hurt me before in arguements but not for a yeat at least. I am afraid of him and know that from now on a part of me will always be afraid. I know he can and will hurt me. He has said 'sorry' but in a way whoch makes it clear he doesn't mean it. He says I have hurt him in the past. I have pucnhed him in the arm before yes, never hard, never with the intent to really really hurt him and never inteding to frighted him. But it was wrong, yes.

We have 2 DC. He has slowly begun to poisen the eldest again me. He undermines me and encouages talking back and refusing to do anything I ask.

I can't go on. I am drowning in fear and hate. But of course there is the panic. I am in tbe position Xenia constantly tells us 'only a moron would put themselves in', I have no job so no income and nowhere to go. My spine has turned to jelly. I despise myself. How did I end up with someone who would hurt me? I look at my friends and I know their husbands wouldn't hurt them. He has always had a temper, but I didn't know he could go this far. He pushed me not knowing or caring what woukd happen. At deep down I think ge was pleased I hit my head as I was hurt, but he can say he didn't hit me.

He tells me I'm unhinged and that he'll tell SS I tried to kill myself (7 years ago) so he'll get the children. I don't know what to do. I think he wants me to have breakdown. I think he will keep on until I crack and do something silly.

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:27:00

Hi Deadinside - I'm so sorry you're going thru this, its a horrible situation to be in. Have you called Women's Aid? I have no experience in this area so can't give any advice but wanted to say I'm here and you're not alone -I'm sure others will come along with good advice very soon.

Is he at work now? What time will he be home?

DeadInside Mon 12-Nov-12 13:28:00

Yes at work til 6ish. Older DC at school so just baby and I.

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:28:50

Do you have a friend in RL you can talk to? Is there somewhere else you can stay tonight while you sort things out?

mentlejen Mon 12-Nov-12 13:29:47

I'm so sorry this is happening for you. I couldn't read and run but there will be wiser and more knowledgeable folk along shortly.

There is always a way out of a relationship like this that leads to a happier future. The road out might be difficult but you CAN do it and it is worth it. As well as your fear and suffering, this horribly bully is damaging your beautiful children by modelling abuse and disrespect. What your eldest is learning will be damaging to their relationships in the future, as well as damaging to you.

Take heart and know that you can leave this. You're not unhinged - you've been bullied and abused and as a result have no self esteem, no confidence, no sense of your own worth. He sounds like a classic abuser - especially with the threats re 'getting' the children. You are their primary carer so are very very likely to be the parent they have their main residence with.

You're married, so entitled to half the marital assets (in most cases). Do you rent or own? Do you have a mortgage?

Do you have RL support? A classic pattern in an abusive relationship will be that you've been slowly cut off from friends and family by his view of them/his view of you spending time with them. If this is the case, is there anyone you can reconnect with.

You are worth more than this. You can be much much happier than this... Hugs

Brodicea Mon 12-Nov-12 13:31:19

First off: it doesn't matter if he hit you or pushed you, it's still violence.
Second: try talking to someone, like the Samaritans, just to try and get all the harsh thoughts out, and clear your mind so that you can start to plan your way out of this situation.
Other posters will (unfortunately due to experience) have more practical advice for you - you will be able to get out of this, your children do and will love you, and you don't deserve any of this violence.

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:31:32

How is the house attached to his job? Could you stay there if he moved out?

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:35:08

Women's Aid : 0808 2000 247 is a free 24 hr helpline for women suffering domestic violence

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 13:35:50

Please call Womens Aid and ask for their advice. 0808 2000 247 You shouldn't have to tolerate this for the sake of a house. Reconsider pressing charges. Better to live in a caravan with your kids in safety & on your own than be trapped in the house with a potential killer.... If you've been suicidal in the past, isn't that because you're living in appalling conditions with a violent bully? SS would not take your children away and make them live with a brute.

Do seek some help. Good luck

AlienRefluxovermypoppy Mon 12-Nov-12 13:38:03

Oh love, you don't have to continue like this. I don't know the ins and outs like some of the wise posters that will be along shortly, but I do know you need to ring womens aid for a start, they will give you some very much needed advice with this and work out a way out for you.

Firstly, SS will not hold your suicide attempt from 7 years ago against you.

He is a violent bully, at least it is logged with the police what he did.

You need to get out of this toxic relationship for the sake of you and your DCs, how old is your eldest?

We are all here for you.

Lottapianos Mon 12-Nov-12 13:38:48

DeadInside, you do not have to accept this behaviour. You are worth so much more than this. He seriously assaulted you and then seriously assaulted you again when you got up from the first blow. You know that he doesn't mean his apology. You are afraid of him, and with very good reason. He is poisoning your child against you.

I left a violent controlling partner about 10 years ago. We didn't have children, weren't married and didn't live together but I was still petrified of making that leap. I couldn't imagine how I would manage without him. Please believe me when I say it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It felt like coming out of prison. My friends absolutely rallied round and I had loads of support and even more importantly, I wasn't looking over my shoulder and afraid to make my own decisions any more.

I know your situation is more complicated but please believe me when I say that your life will get better, not worse, when you are no longer living under this man's control. Please phone Women's Aid - they will listen without any judgement and help you decide what to do - and please keep posting. You do not have to accept this.

DeadInside Mon 12-Nov-12 13:46:51

The house comes with his job so if I leave him I would have to leave the house. No mortgage so nowhere else to go apart from back to parents.

I have told one friend. But she lives on the same road so staying there wouldn't really jelp in terms of space, play knowing where we were. I'm worried about school for the eldest, only recp, but still. I've hatched a semi plan about hanging on til Xmas and then getting home and refusing to go back. But I think I may go mad before then. I can hardly think straight, I can't see properly for some reason and so everything is blurred in one eye. I'm probably going mad which is what he has wanted all along I think.

He keeps saying 'I would never hurt the DC', but then looks at me as if to say 'but I can and will hurt you'. And I know he will. I can see it so clearly now, he will always hurt me when I don't do what he wants. He can't help himself. It doesn't matter to him now. He knows I'm frightened and alone. He will keep going until I believe I made him do it and it's my fault. I can see it happening, but now what to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 13:52:18

You've got to get yourself and your DCs away. No 'waiting until Christmas'. Get back to your family where they can protect you from this evil person. As you're leaving anyway, press those charges with the police. No point protecting him when he all he wants for you is terror. If your vision is blurred after a head trauma there can be several reasons for that, some more serious than others .. do get yourself to a doctor

Amelia Arnold didn't get as far as Christmas with her violent partner. Please get yourself safe.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 13:53:29

"He can't help himself"

Yes he can. He's choosing to do this. And you can help yourself....

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:55:26

Do ring Women's Aid - they will have talked thru many situations like yours and will know how you should deal with it. Its confidential.

You don't have to put up with this. Go and see your GP today and tell him/her what's happened. You need to be checked over. Don't stay in a dangerous position because he'll think he can keep doing this.

If you do something about it now, you can stop him. You're not going mad at all, but you do need to take action straight away to protect yourself and your children. I can understand how scared you are.

NessunDorma Mon 12-Nov-12 13:55:35

Sweetheart you have to leave, ASAP. Grab your things. Collect your kids and go.

DeadInside Mon 12-Nov-12 13:55:47

But he will convince everyone I'm mad. He was laughing with the police man. He will convince everyone that I'm crazy and all he did was push me and I happened to trip and it was all a terrible accident and he can't understand why I'd ruin everything over something so small.

JuliaScurr Mon 12-Nov-12 13:58:24

mintymellons Mon 12-Nov-12 13:59:06

So sorry to hear abou this. I have no experience or real advice, but wanted to say that this surely can't go on and that you WILL be happier once he is out of your life.

Good luck x

raskolnikov Mon 12-Nov-12 13:59:10

This is not 'something so small'. This is a very serious situation and you have to get yourself and your kids out straight away.

Can you go to your parents today?

He's a bully and he's already hurt you badly - don't wait for the next time.

mentlejen Mon 12-Nov-12 13:59:25

Would your parents be supportive if you were to go home? How far away is that from where you are now? Would it be possible to talk to your parents about it?

Christmas is a long time away to live in this kind of fear. Would it be possible to 'plan' an earlier visit to give you space or from which you don't come back? Or it may be safer to just leave when he's at work one day soon having got all the papers you need (financial information, information about his income, yours and the children's passports, birth certificates etc)?

You're not going mad. You're frightened, shocked and hurt so of course you're not thinking straight. I hope your friend was supportive. Please get checked out by a doctor if your vision is blurred. It could be connected to hitting your head on the drawers.

ShamyFarrahCooper Mon 12-Nov-12 14:00:00

OP please reconsider leaving sooner. This man sounds dangerous and I'm extremely worried for your safety. The longer you wait, if there is a gap in violent incidents you will have more time to talk yourself into thinking 'this wasn't so bad, generally things are ok'. PLEASE don't do that. He has shown he does not care if you are hurt. He is willing to do anything to keep control over you.
PLEASE call women's aid and at least put an escape bag together if you can safely hide it (can you take it round to your friends house to hide?) Just some basic essentials if you and the kids need to leave in a hurry.

He chooses not to help himself because he has all the power in this relationship. Please remember, this is HIS choice.

NessunDorma Mon 12-Nov-12 14:01:19

You know the truth, it doesn't matter what he tells everyone else. Fuck 'em all.

You need to keep yourself safe. There will never be a perfect time to leave.

DeadInside Mon 12-Nov-12 14:02:02

Parents are 600 miles away. Car is a heap of junk and probably wouldn't make it. If I get on a train can he have me arrested for abduction? He says I need his permisson to take them anywhere and if i do he'll phone the police and say I've threatened to kill us all.

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 12-Nov-12 14:02:20

He can't help himself

I presume he doesn't push work colleagues over by the throat and then attack them again when they get up? No? Well, then, he can help himself. He just wants you to think that. Please, consider going. You are living a half life in fear of this man. Keep posting.

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