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I feel like I'm going to ruin my own relationship.

(2 Posts)
Naysa Mon 12-Nov-12 12:08:25

This may be long sorry.
I'm 19, I met my ex when I was 16, he was 18. We were together for two years.
During those two years he treated me badly, but only for the last year of the relationship.

When we got together, he was kind and cared about my feelings but he used to go missing for days on end and no one, not even his family, knew where he had gone, his friends and family used to ring me to see if I was with him. He never told me where he was or who he was with. This resulted in me becoming very clingy. I'd ring his friends and family if he didn't reply to a text. Then he got rid of his phone so he was very difficult to get hold of. If it hadn't been for the fact he kept coming to my house to see me, I'd think he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. He became very cold towards me, we went one month without kissing or cuddling, and he made me sleep top and tail or on the sofa, this was when he was in uni, about a year into the relationship, and I went to visit him.

He fell out with all of his family and got into debt, as his loan got paid late and my mum helped him out.
Then he left uni after a year and moved back to our home town. He got a new phone on contract and became very attached to it. He was texting constantly and when I looked there were only texts to me. Which meant he had deleted the others. He had a phone that would show you who you had been texting but not what and it showed hundreds of texts to one of my closest friends. I confronted him and he ended it. I was devastated. He had been the be all end all of my life for two years. I had alienated myself from my friends. He is still with that girl and sometimes he turns up at my house, and cries to me, saying that he still loves me and that he expected me to get back with him after we broke up. Unfortunately for him I grew up.

I had a rebound relationship straight after, which I ended because I didn't want a relationship. I decided to stay single and spend time rebuilding my friendships, which I did successfully.

Then I met my current OH, he's kind, funny and everything I've ever wanted. He is very attentive and texts me and rings me often. He surprises me with little romantic things, that are personal and well thought out. He really pays attention to me. When we got together I felt slightly smothered with affection but I've come to realise, from seeing my friends in relationships that this is a normal amount of love to give to your partner and now I enjoy it.

But I have a problem. I feel like I can't give 100%. I feel like I'm holding back so I don't get hurt again. I get upset over stupid things, if he is in work and can't text back I think he's gone missing and send him many texts. This gets him upset, not annoyed, but sad that I think he'll do the same. He is trying to understand and build my confidence but I can see that my lack of trust hurts him. He is a perfect boyfriend, everyone tells me and I see it, but I feel like I'm on the outside of a house looking in through the window at the relationship.

How can I get over the fact that I was hurt once before? I want to put my all into this relationship but I can't, and I think he knows this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 13:03:36

"But I have a problem. I feel like I can't give 100%."

That is not a problem, that's a defence mechanism against being hurt again. Quite normal and IMHO you should never give '100%' of yourself to anyone because anyone can turn out to be nothing like they appear. For true happiness develop yourself as an individual, build your self-esteem, value your independence, embrace self-reliance. If you ditched the ex age 18 and you're only 19 now you haven't spent all that much time building this up. You need longer. And never give 'your all'... always keep a little bit back for yourself.

When you are confident in yourself rather than relying on some bloke to make you feel worthwhile then you won't be constantly sat by the phone waiting for a message and you won't be bombarding him obsessively with texts. In the meantime, consciously stop yourself doing it.

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