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I love you but...

(19 Posts)
BovrilonToast Mon 12-Nov-12 11:52:47

followed by a list of things he wishes I wouldn't say or do...

that's not right is it?

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 12-Nov-12 11:57:05

No, it's not right.

"I love you" is a good thing.
An honest, tactful discussion regarding things that drive you crazy is a good thing.
"I love you but" is not a good thing.

It reeks of emotional blackmail and passive aggressive bullshit.

Brodicea Mon 12-Nov-12 11:57:40

no angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 11:59:59

You mean 'conditional love'... no.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Nov-12 12:01:11

nope

ThatBastardSanta Mon 12-Nov-12 12:04:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BovrilonToast Mon 12-Nov-12 12:04:47

Thanks. I've been holding on to the last threads of my relationship, remembering the good times we had at the beginning...

I'm finally realising that actually, I want someone who loves me properly, not if I behave in a certain way...

ThatBastardSanta Mon 12-Nov-12 12:05:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji Mon 12-Nov-12 12:07:54

It depends on how it's said and the context.

A list sounds controlling.

I might say something like "I love you, but I don't like it when you shout at me, and won't put up with it."

I think that's perfectly valid in a conversation.

It's up to you to agree with the changes or not (and move on).

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-Nov-12 12:26:50

If it's said as 'I'd love you if.... (you do x, y, and z)' that's not acceptable. IME the kind of person that says that doesn't actually want you to succeed, they just want to keep the carrot of 'I love you' dangling out of reach so that they can control you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 12-Nov-12 12:32:28

Monologue was it or a mutual list of faults? Sorry, doesn't sound good. And what good is a rosy beginning and good times if it dwindles to this?

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 12-Nov-12 12:51:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BovrilonToast Mon 12-Nov-12 12:52:00

Thanks all...

Last time we had the conversation about giving it one last go, it was a list of things that I don't do - listen, answer his questions, etc.

A good example would be last night he asked me how long roast potatoes take to cook. I said how hot is the oven? he said it's on a 200, that's what the packet for the chicken said. I replied is that after having taken off the 20 degrees to account for the fan oven? (He knows we have a fan oven)

Cue him storming off in to the kitchen shouting you never answer the fucking question do you?

It would have been my fault if the dinner was burnt, even though I wasn't eating as I was ill....

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 12-Nov-12 12:57:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snoopdogg Mon 12-Nov-12 12:58:19

Miserable fucker, and 200's too hot for chicken grin

BovrilonToast Mon 12-Nov-12 13:03:58

You know what the worst thing is?

I know I don't have to live like this. I spend 5 years with a EA twat in my twenties... I should know better

Hilde I am ok - thank you. It's taken me a while to get there... but now I've made the decision I know I'll be just fabulous!

I am seriously considering getting therapy to understand why I am incapable of breaking off shit relationships

hildebrandisgettinghappier Mon 12-Nov-12 13:27:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji Mon 12-Nov-12 13:41:09

Have you told him "I love you, but you must stop storming off instead of carrying off a proper conversation"?

Doh!

I'd understand his complaint about answering questions if he meant you kept silent when he asks you something. Not trying to gather all the info before giving a proper reply.

BovrilonToast Mon 12-Nov-12 13:46:16

I'm with you Hilde

Yes Lueji, that approach hasn't been so productive... sad

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